“Fantastic shot of that bird blowing up!”

Justin’s rating: Bird Stock Footage: The Movie

Justin’s review: If we’re to be real for a moment, there was only one human being in all of history that could pull off something as ridiculous as a horror movie about bird attacks, and that was, of course, Yahoo Serious. And, if we’re being generous, Alfred Hitchcock.

And if we’re going to continue this unprecedented streak of being real into the second paragraph here, every other movie that’s tried to do “killer birds” has failed so hard that entire families have disowned the directors who dared. Just ask Birdemic. Or The Birds II: Land’s End. Or, heck, Beaks!

In this last one, Mexican filmmakers on a long weekend decided to try their hands at a remarkably stupid premise. Birds are inexplicably attacking people and plucking out their eyeballs — without permission, I might add. Reporter Vanessa (Michelle Johnson, Dr. Giggles) and her boy toy cameraman head over to Spain to investigate while the their boss presumably has no problem with blowing tons of money on flights and having two staff members not available for the daily broadcast.

Naturally, what they don’t realize is that they’re heading into Bird Ground Zero. That’s right! Birds! Avian revenge! Dove divebombs! Eagle excellence! Sparrow spies! Penguin… well, penguins aren’t in this film. But you can imagine that they’d be a terror to behold if they were!

Now to give Beaks! a little — very little — credit, there’s zero forced and cheesy CGI to assault the eyes. All of the bird attacks had to be done with stock footage and trained animals and probably a couple taxadermied animals used as close-up puppets. At least this makes everything look more natural, if by “natural” you mean “the birds are more scared of the actors than showing the sky-borne terror that we’re expected to believe they can project.”

Don’t get me wrong — Beaks! is one of those laughably bad projects that bounces from one ridiculous moment to the next. Everyone trying to build up these birds as some sort of sinister, overwhelming threat is immediately undercut when the film keeps showing the fluffiest, cutest, and (especially in the case of the chickens) dumbest feathered pals.

To try to over-compensate for THAT failing, Beaks! gives us a couple way-too-gory moments, mostly of people’s fake eyes being plucked out by either a bird or a guy with a bird puppet.

Best of luck to anyone trying to piece together a plot here. The film meanders to various people, perhaps trying to project a world coming under attack by this avian threat, but we never stay with any of them long enough for a story to happen. Eventually the birds stop attacking, everyone shrugs, and the film concludes with a Biblical text about locusts. I’d say that it makes sense in context, but… no.

If you couldn’t tell, Beaks! is the perfect target for a lot of mockery without having to feel bad about hurting anyone’s feelings. The birds quickly gain the upper hand on civilization, usually off-camera, leaving corpses everywhere and survivors running and driving in panic. That they’re so successful and the humans so inept offers great amounts of unintentional humor.

Beaks! is a fairly short romp that includes at least one (1) shot of a bird exploding from a rifle bullet and plenty of scenes where the crew got to throw a lot of inexpensive pigeons at the actors. I have to wonder what their pigeon budget was,* because that’s all they seem to be able to afford, and you know that every shot lost about 20 birds.

Watch the skies, my friends, and don’t watch this. Or do, and become paranoid that all of those pigeons that Bert was feeding on Sesame Street are coming for your precious eyes.

*This question sent me on an internet rabbit trail that ended on a website that sold pedigreed racing pigeons for $110 a pop. These were described as “powerful and prepotent. 400 miles per day. These birds are the cutting edge technology in Racing Homers.” I feel impotent compared to that description.

Intermission!

• The thrills of hang gliding awkwardly!
• Did everyone get a close up look at the gory special effects? Did you? HERE IS SOME MORE! LOOK!
• OK, I think that bird is really really dead
• This movie is all about plucked eyeballs
• Blindfolded bird shooting needs the dullest of all narrations
• Churches make for compelling bird news stories
• That guy has way too many animal skulls on his wall
• That eye patch is quite fetching, he should thank the birds for improving his rakish good looks
• Hahaha the bird blowing up is amazing
• Who doesn’t run through the surf in a bikini while draping your jacket over your shoulder?
• Nice of the birds to prop up a dead guy against a camper door so he can traumatize kids
• He’s got a bird coat!
• Vanessa delivers every line in nearly complete monotone
• A gripping tale of SAND DIGGING!
• Ducks are… not inherently terrifying. I kind of want to hug one, actually.
• Are you sure that helicopters are the best avenue to evacuate from birds?
• “We’re sitting ducks!”
• Yes, let’s have an outdoor kids birthday party during a worldwide crisis of bird attacks
• Aaaaaand a random, unconnected Bible passage about locusts to wrap things up