“I think that people are incapable of change — and their days are numbered.”

Justin’s rating: Boy did this bug me

Justin’s review: I think we forget how heavy The X-Files came out swinging in its first season. It was often a gateway to the horror genre for us newbies, and some of those initial episodes became classics in their own right. One of those episodes that really impressed me was “Ice,” a tale of extraterrestrial parasites in an isolated Alaskan research station. Yeah, it was kind of The Thing on a budget and with a slight twist, but what works works, y’know?

In the twilight of Val Kilmer’s career, he starred in a movie that ended up being both a pale copy of X-Files’ “Ice” and The Thing. It follows a team of scientists on a Canadian arctic island that discovers a buried mammoth and a polar bear feeding upon it. This is too bad for everyone involved — including the bear — as the mammoth is loaded with ancient parasitic bugs that really like to burrow into people and make them irrationally angry.

And because horror movies need a greater body count than a small handful of people, this outbreak happens just as a group of science students — including Val Kilmer’s character’s daughter — fly in for the fun. Cue some paranoia, some heebie-jeebies as bugs infect their new hosts, and everyone dying left and right as nobody can carry out a plan to save the world.

I was sold on this movie on the poster alone, thinking that this might be another cool virus-type movie like the rather excellent The Crazies. Getting to hang out with Val Kilmer shortly after his demise seemed another plus. Maybe I shouldn’t be so shallow.

The outline, the template for a good movie is here. Isolation, prior inspiration, the general public’s aversion to any bug trying to make its home in our flesh. It could’ve worked. But hoo-boy is this such a dud.

For starters, the pacing and editing is sloppy and sometimes confusing. You ever stumble into a movie that’s simply not well-made, and you can tell that right from the start? Stuff’s not cut together right, and the story lurches along, but we’re not here for the ride. That’s definitely the case here.

The Thaw dumps two groups of drama llamas on us, one of which has been dealing with the outbreak for a while and the other gradually finding out about it. Of course, nobody communicates what’s happening between the groups or takes safety precautions — just keep shoving your hands into open wounds, why not — so this ends up being one of those horror movies where it’s a concerted effort to bring about maximum death and suffering, lest someone use their head, make good choices, put on protective gear, and call in for real help.

But perhaps the most egregious sin is that this 90-minute flick beats us over the head with ecological preaching. What the message is, I have no idea, because it’s a bunch of scattered random expressions of “global warming” this and “eco-terrorism” that. It feels like the screenwriter was upset about something, maybe everything, but couldn’t put a coherent Message into words and instead sprayed crazy all over the audience. It’s absolutely jarring every time it pops up.

If The Thaw focused on delivering a tight horror thriller that played on our being creeped out by bugs, then yeah, it could’ve done what The X-Files did back in 1993. Instead, we’ve got a load of unlikable characters, an ill-defined threat, and a general sentiment that we deserve bed bugs because we’ve been mean to nature or something. Oh, and Kilmer spends a good chunk of the movie dead from a gunshot wound, so we can’t even depend on him to carry scenes.

Spray this one with Raid and move on.

Intermission!

• These may be some of the most annoying opening credits in film history. That editor needs to be put on lockdown.
• Yeah as the polar bear charges, just drop your rifle
• The timeline of this movie is confusing as it jumps around
• Ladies and gentlemen, the most weak-willed pilot ever
• Is this a horror movie or a CW drama? Because I can’t tell with all of these personal revelations.
• DEAD POLAR BEAR JUMP SCARE BUT ITS OK BECAUSE IT’S DEAD
• Dude, that is one shallow grave
• It’s a ghost ATV!
• Probably the only thing I like about this movie is how it’s light well into the early hours of the day thanks to the arctic circle