“Moon Colony will never accept a dictator. That’s one thing we’ve learned at least from the history of the planet Earth.”

Justin’s rating: Kind of bummed my parents never got me a suicide robot for Christmas

Justin’s review: I can’t help but get weirdly excited whenever I see the phrase “Canadian scifi movie.” I know it’s going to be bad, but I also know that I’ll probably admire those plucky Canucks for their ambition. And hey, look at that, it’s a Canadian scifi movie from 1979 that came into my orbit!

Not-really-based-on H.G. Wells’ 1933 novel, The Shape of Things to Come is a romp on the moon in some vague future year. Humanity depends on a special radiation drug that’s only produced on planet Delta 3, but it turns out that Delta 3’s been taken over by a madman named Omus (Jack Palance!) and his robot army. Of course he’s got a robot army! All of the trendy madmen of the future come stocked with one.

Omus crashes a giant cargo ship into the moon and threatens to send his robots there as well, which is slightly less effective than starting with the robots and not giving anyone ample warning. Feeling as if humanity should do something in response, a few moon jockeys jump onto the Starstreak, a fancy if untested spaceship, to go wrestle Omus to the ground and give him a well-deserved noogie.

Our heroes for the hour are Dr. Cabal, an older dude dying of radiation poisoning and extreme muttonchops, his son Jason, his daughter Kim, and his teleporting robot Sparks. There’s also a rebel band of humans on Delta 3 trying to sabotage Omus’ base, but they’re just filler material carrying poles around and can be successfully ignored.

Let’s not dwell too long on the fact that Kim salvages a “suicide robot” that Omus sent, reprograms it, and then spends the rest of the film enduring the robot’s relentless crush on her. Since she programmed it, we can logically assume she also programmed it to hit on her. Maybe it was for an ego boost? Kids had to do something to fill the void before Tik Tok came along.

The Starstreak takes a pit stop on earth for repairs, despite the planet supposedly an irradiated inhospitable wasteland. Naturally, the place is absolutely gorgeous, clad in autumnal colors, and our heroes take a leisurely walk there with no protective gear whatsoever. The earth trip doesn’t result in anything other than eating up time and showing us some orphaned kids with radiation poisoning that our heroes heroically leave behind.

There’s nothing about The Shape of Things to Come that’s classy or well-done, but it’s got a retro futuristic charm that made me like it even so. This is kind of exactly what you want when you feel in the mood for a scifi B-movie: chunky robots, spaceship models trying to ape Star Trek/Battlestar Galactica, Jack Palance going power mad, rebels with short neon sticks, and a useless master computer AI.

People hate on it for its crawling pace and audacity to co-opt HG Wells’ name — and those are valid criticisms — but it was shot in a more coherent manner than some films I could name, and I honestly didn’t mind it.

Intermission!

• “The time is the tomorrow after tomorrow.”
• I dig those uniform shoulder and thorax pads, so colorful
• Everyone on the moon does a lot of cardio running
• That’s some good spaceship crashing, yessir
• Omus is totally rocking that blue cape
• “Suicide Robots” would be a totally metal band name
• Oh, those thick Canadian accents!
• The robot can teleport himself now, I guess
• The giant chunky robot wears a backwards seatbelt
• Module separation confirmed!
• Nuked earth seems particularly beautiful this time of year
• Jason is driving that jeep fast enough to break the sound barrier
• Where did these kids get all that camo netting?
• Wait, WHY can’t they take these kids with them out of the radiation zone?
• Also, if all of the moon people are taking radiation pills anyway, why not live on earth? Seems like an easier place to exist.
• “Sparks” is an accurate name for this robot
• It takes 600 hours to go from the earth to the moon
• You WILL believe that a Canadian scifi film can simulate zero gravity on a budget!
• GIANT ROTATING OMUS HOLOGRAM
• Jack Palance’s helmet is serious business and should not be laughed at. Also, he can kill people with sound that makes them jitter like they’re going to pee their pants and then spin around for a while.
• “I AM YOUR CREATOR!”
• Well, that’s what you get when your bad guy plan is “blow up your own planet that was doing pretty well for itself”
• Check out Jack Palance’s expression when he gets smacked in the face by falling debris, he’s genuinely pissed