“Permission to come aboard granted!”

Justin’s rating: Humor overboard!

Justin’s review: Listen, I didn’t consciously plan to review a successive string of Crown International Pictures flicks when I found that old DVD set; this marathon simply happened. When I realized what I had gotten myself into, it was too late — the marathon must be completed, or it would haunt me for the rest of my life.* So for a good week, it’s been cheesy ’80s low-budget exploitation fare after cheesy ’80s low-budget exploitation fare, and I can’t say that I’ve completely hated it.

The next stop in my tour of shame is 1984’s Weekend Pass, the only other film directed by Lawrence Bassoff of Hunk fame. It concerns a quartet of freshly graduated sailor buddies who decide to make the most of their weekend pass (title!) before shipping off in different directions.

My first thought upon seeing this was, “I suspect that the filmmakers found four sailor costumes at an estate sale and decided to build a movie around it.” After watching, I’m not dissuaded that this was the case.

Our profound protagonists probably have names, but I’m going with their sole personality traits. There’s the loudmouth jerk, the bespectacled nerd, the smooth wisecracker, and the somewhat nicer jerk. Their lack of deep characterization is no insult to this film, which is as deep as one of those splash pads they have for toddlers.

The guys go to a dance bar. The guys get in a fight with a street gang. The guys hit on girls. The guys participate in a fitness class. The guys go to a stand-up comedy show (which is beyond painful). The guys get a massage. The guys go shopping with punks. The guys drive by a lot of montages for Venice Beach.**

Let’s be fair with one thing: The idea of a group of friends getting into all sorts of antics and blowing off steam for a weekend isn’t terrible and has been successfully done plenty of times. But not here. No, not here. They needed memorable characters — they have none. They needed real jokes — they have none. They needed some genuinely fun story beats — and sadly, they have none.

About all that’s going for this film is a surprising turn away from the expected raunch and toward four relatively sweet guys finding romance. It may not be a weekend that changes their entire lives, but at least they experience a shred of character development.

Now you want to hear something bizarre? Weekend Pass made over $21 million (that’d be about $65M today)! How? I have no idea. Maybe it was the very early presence of Phil Hartman (seriously) in a cameo, but I doubt it.

*My life is pretty sad. A haunting would be a social highlight.

**Crown International Pictures has a fixation for beach settings. Pick any three movies they did, and all three will end up on a beach at some point.

Intermission!

• I dig all of these little creative Crown International title cards
• This movie starts with a Colorado state flag, has sailors graduating boot camp (which should be Maryland), and immediately touring California in a blinding montage
• “I lost you to a week! End! Pass!” I won’t lie, I love this theme song.
• I can’t imagine the low point of your life to be sensually dancing to “monkey see, monkey do” lyrics
• The quick sunglasses montage got one (1) laugh from me
• That must’ve taken a lot of work to completely bury their friend up to his neck
• Pickles is an egg beater
• “Know any good Helen Keller jokes?” what
• The Navy’s training program must not be that good if a single fitness class session can wipe out all of them
• “You bring the meatballs, we’ll guarantee the gravy.” what
• “My name is Chop Suzi. I speak no English.”
• This massage includes her stabbing his back with her nails, walking on him in heels, and running her hair over him
• California fashion in ’84 was something else
• The punk with the super-spikes
• That’s a teeny tiny gun
• “A hellraiser is born.”
• It’s not a good sign if a girl repeatedly forgets who you are when you re-introduce yourself
• It’s also not a good sign if a woman has a bunch of art of herself on the wall
• She collects the labels from champagne?
• Phil Hartman as the Comedy Castle MC! (and don’t miss the rubber chicken on the shield above his head)
• “Have you ever looked at a booger? I mean, really looked at a booger?” What an awful stand-up act.
• Can’t say I’ve ever seem film noir-style stand-up… until now
• Check out that synchronized dance!
• The girl with the glasses looks so much like Tina Fey
• “Lester, why do people call us nerds?”
• This movie has no right having an ending as good as it does
• Rumor is, this film was made from a 15-page script. If that’s true, it shows.