“How did cave people see without these neat school-issued flashlights?”

Justin’s rating: What this needed was a cave-in

Justin’s review: When you come to a Crown International Pictures flick, you are assured of five things. First, a quota of random skin to keep it from being a highbrow experience. Second, off-brand soundtrack tunes to liven things up. Third, a runtime not to exceed 80 minutes. Fourth, montages to pad out those 80 minutes. And fifth, a cheesy good time set in the vibes of the ’70s or ’80s.

While the nutritional value of such films might be low, it doesn’t make them any less tasty. Sometimes I simply want to hop in a time machine and travel back to get a quick fix of the ’80s, and flicks like Cavegirl do the trick. But why stop there? Why not go back to the Stone Age?

“Teenage” dweeb Rex (Daniel Roebuck, The Fugitive believe it or not), is having a rough go at high school despite looking like a doughier Indiana Jones with a fedora and khaki shirt. Thanks to a field trip gone wrong where a crystal and an Army helicopter missile collide, Rex is magically sent back to 25,000 B.C.

Rex, having lost his glasses and being a bit of a dope, doesn’t realize that he’s not in the present for a while, even when cavemen start chasing him (he thinks it’s just his classmates). Eventually he bumps into Eba (Cynthia Thompson, Tomboy), probably the only attractive person on the planet in this time period.*

He teaches Eba to speak and tries — mostly unsuccessfully — to form a romantic connection. I guess the concept here is that Rex is so hopeless in our time that the only chance he has is with an ignorant girl from thousands of years ago who doesn’t know English or boundaries. He also pretends to write a book about them, but it’s just an excuse to narrate caveman antics as if that would make the slapstick any more amusing.**

Fortunately, Rex does have his backpack which is loaded with a lot of items you wouldn’t expect to take on a school field trip such as deodorant, matches, camping tarp, poncho, a second hat, Polaroid camera, and shaving cream. Eventually he uses some of these to save Eba and her grunting tribe from some cannibals.

Cavegirl has a germ of a good idea. After all, there are some much more notable examples of ’80s teens going back in time to flash their superior knowledge and generate comedy. It’s too bad that there wasn’t the budget to have some real fun in this time period such as “volcano explosions” or “prehistoric beasts.” Instead, I’m pretty sure they trucked the cast out to a nice California park and made a fun weekend from it.

Unfortunately, this is as shallow as the cavepeople’s linguistic skills. It’s mostly lame slapstick comedy, a whimsical soundtrack, and Rex being needy and skeezy. Eba is a bright spot, even if most of what she does is look cute as a button and act like a motion capture performer for The Croods.

As I said, there’s a germ of a good idea and a certain light-heartedness to Cavegirl. It’s just that this germ didn’t sprout into anything much worth seeing. It’s darn hard to overlook the repulsive lead character and not spent most of the time cringing at the pathetic stabs at humor.

*Inexplicably, the same “ugly” girl who has the hots for Rex exists in each time period, but he rejects both because even nerds have their standards? Yes, he’s pathetic.

**It does not.

Intermission!

• Realistic helicopter action!
• “You’re obviously someone who cares about nutrition because you drink milk.” Or obviously a human being of some kind.
• Girls’ locker rooms contain giant metal mazes
• How did his jeans magically repair themselves? That was like a two-foot rip.
• Skull Magazine is a thing
• This entire high school is about 10 teenagers. And Rex.
• Everyone on this field trip brought Halloween costumes?
• Cavegirls had impeccable dentistry and hair salons
• OK stop feeling her up, Rex, it’s starting to cross the line into “sexual assault”
• Yeah you deserved that fist to the face
• Dang, how much stuff did you pack for this school trip man?
• That’s a really thin cassette player
• Booger flicking is quite the entertaining sport
• None of the cavepeople live in caves
• Shaving cream is delicious…?
• This shaving cream fight goes on FOREVER
• Tarps make unconvincing trampolines
• Singer Stacy Q is in this and gives us the song “Synthicide”
• Rex the Skull-Headed Magician. With an umbrella hat.
• Gifting a Walkman to a caveman isn’t going to help him once the batteries run out
• Wait, how does he get back in time? Nothing about this time travel is ever explained.
• Enjoy living forever in an era without modern medicine, hygiene, or roofs