“They’ll have to kill me before I die!”

Justin’s rating: Pirates are kind of a kiss of death for films unless Johnny Depp is involved. And not even always then.

Justin’s review: When you stumble upon Yellowbeard for the first time, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve tripped into some sort of unexpected fever dream. A pirate movie starring a good chunk of the Monty Python ensemble, Cheech and Chong, several Mel Brooks movie veterans, and, uh, David Bowie is only scratching the surface of weirdness here.

It was a notoriously nutty movie to make, it bombed in theaters, and it elicited complex emotions from those who starred in it. John Cleese and Eric Idle both said that it was one of the worst movies ever made (yet they kind of liked being in it). There was even a documentary made about Yellowbeard called Group Madness while it was being filmed, as if they knew that this sort of mess was going to be historic.

Maybe the world wasn’t ready for a bonkers pirate flick in 1983. Maybe it still isn’t.

Monty Python’s Graham Chapman is the infamous and cocky Yellowbeard, a wealthy pirate who gets caught for tax evasion and spends 20 years behind bars. As this movie opens, he breaks out of the slammer and makes a beeline for his buried treasure. Along the way, he discovers that he spawned a 20-year-old gardener who’s more into books than burning and pillaging. Thus, this becomes a great opportunity for a dad-and-son bonding trip.

Of course, everyone wants Yellowbeard’s treasure too, including the Spanish crown, his former first mate, and various rapscallions, so there’s some competition. They set sail into abject silliness and satirical jabs aimed at pirate flicks.

You know how every spoof movie after 2004 went for extreme laziness and a lack of genuine humor? Yellowbeard tries so dang hard and yet only manages about the same chuckle count as, say, Epic Movie. Chapman is all-in as the one-note, bloodthirsty pirate who is tough as nails and operates without any restraint whatsoever. I think I would like him more if he wasn’t playing rape for laughs every other scene (seriously, it’s a running gag that I can’t believe anyone thought was a good idea).

Yellowbeard is frequently shown up by his sometimes-wife, played by Madeline Khan, who once again reminds us why she was a national treasure that we did not appreciate enough in her time. You can tell that she’s such a pro even with lackluster material.

There are a ton of other “holy crap I know those guys” faces flitting through this odd flick. John Cleese is a loquacious blind man, Eric Idle is a hapless captain, Marty Feldman — in his final role — and his crazy eyes plays an informant, David Bowie cosplays as a shark (seriously), and Peter Boyle shows up as Yellowbeard’s one-handed former partner.

Yellowbeard is an incredibly strange film, not just for its cast of about half the working comedians of the day. There’s some good money and effort spent on costumes, ships, and other period details. And the premise isn’t terrible, especially if the movie’s willing to dip deep into spoof territory.

But if you come at this thinking that it’s the great undiscovered Monty Python or Mel Brooks film, you’ll quickly be disillusioned. The comedy is extremely sporadic and not always functioning the way that the cast and crew obviously hope it will. What remains is some tepid naval adventures and shipboard life.

It feels like a crime to have so much talent present without much of a payoff. It’s hard not to watch this and think of the comedy classic that we were denied. Perhaps a pirate stole off with it.

Intermission!

• “You may bang your head on the floor until forgiven.”
• Yellowbeard’s hair is smoking there
• Treasure chest lids can chop off hands
• “Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips…”
• “You again?” “What, I haven’t seen you in 15 years!”
• People back then liked to walk on stilts sometimes… and pee on hedges
• She… tattooed a map… on her young son’s head?
• Blind Pew is very specific in his hearing
• “Won’t be the first head I’ve eaten…”
• “Professor Death! Professor Anthrax!”
• When you get paid, don’t kiss the paymaster twice on the cheeks
• Crocodiles make an interesting pirate pet
• “Nail that man’s foot to the deck!”
• Don’t volunteer reluctance to serve on a ship
• “Preventive punishment, that’s the principle.”
• That’s a whole lot of spyglasses