“Everything I learned about people I learned from Thomas.”

Justin’s rating: This makes me really not want to watch Thomas the Tank Engine EVEN MORE.

Justin’s review: Oh, you better believe that Brad Pitt wasn’t going to miss out on some of that trendy John Wick money, so here’s his take on an unstoppable assassin who just so happens to love public transportation. I’d heard good things about it, despite Bullet Train zipping through our life’s stations without leaving much of a mark.

Pitt plays a bad luck-plagued bucket hat-headed assassin named Ladybug who’s more prone to take firecrackers with him on a job than a handgun. Today, his line of work leads him to take a Japanese bullet train where his target awaits — only to find out that several other hit men are also along for the ride.

My favorite? A bickering pair of British twin assassins with the code names of Lemon and Tangerine who occasionally fully break the fourth wall to joke around with the audience.

There’s something hinky happening on this train, and to its credit, this movie eases us into the mystery of what’s going on. There’s a girl, you see. And a kidnapped guy. And a dying kid. And a really bad guy named the White Death. And an ongoing gag with a mascot from an anime show. And a highly poisonous snake. And a suitcase with a Thomas the Tank Engine sticker.

It’s all more complicated than Ladybug first assumed, and he’s definitely going to be pulling overtime. And despite the train coming to a station every few minutes, he can’t seem to get off of it. Maybe that’s a good thing, because he’s on a journey of zen garden self realization or somesuch. He might be the nicest killer you’ve ever met, really. We get a lot of exposition and backstory from his phone calls with his female handler (played by an unseen Sandra Bullock).

The best way that I can describe the approach of Bullet Train is Ocean’s Eleven by way of Kill Bill. There’s this extremely quirky vibe with a lot of jokes and flashbacks, tying everyone together with all of these weird vignettes. And as with Brad Pitt’s casino heist flick, this is slick and music-filled as you could ever want.

Despite being a shade over two hours, this movie never feels long with the fast-paced development and the constant interactions between the various plot points and killers. I was frequently laughing and enjoying these colorful personalities as the bizarre events stacked up. Everything comes to a head at Kyoto, the end of the line, and as the train grows nearer, the tension is almost unbearable. In the best way.

I loved that Bullet Train was more than a mindless experience — it was a collection of stories and characters that were fun to get to know, even if their life expectancies were generally short. Pick up a ticket and prepare to go for quite the ride with this one.

Intermission!

• Dying kids and cartoons is a fun mix
• Japanese version of “Stayin’ Alive”
• “My bad luck is BIBLICAL. I’m not even trying to kill people and they die.”
• “I thought they bowed here.”
• The Thomas the Tank Engine speech
• “Bring your sticker book with you, did you?”
• The flashback to see how many people they killed
• “I’m not in someone else’s story. I’m in mine.”
• Well that is one way to end a wedding
• “I will find you!” “Why?”
• Boomerang knife
• The quick explanation for the anime glasses shocked a laugh out of me
• Shh. It’s the quiet car. Makes for quiet fights.
• “I’m like MacGuyver!” *snake lurches out of cage*
• “Is this like a sex thing?” *super long pause* “Nope.”
• Channing Tatum and Ryan Reynolds in a couple blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos
• Smart toilets are awesome
• “Did you just say whack?” “I’m bringing it back.” “No it needs to stay where it was.”
• Every fight should have a water break in the middle
• It’s pretty easy to punch in a window while you’re traveling over 100 mph
• “I’m mansplaining, I’m mansplaining again.”
• “You want a blanket? You want me to hold your hand?”
• Snakes on a Train!
• “I’m going to tell you a story now.” “I’m good.”
• “There’s no episode in Japanese.”
• “Dude, all you do is talk about trains!”
• THE WATER BOTTLE STORY!
• “The narcissism of this chick!”
• Sandra Bullock cameo 🙂 “Need a banana?”