“We’re gonna need a bigger helicopter!”

Justin’s rating: I like the Australian family showing up hoping to see pure shark terror

Justin’s review: When you really consider it, Spielberg was insane for trying to make the original Jaws. It wasn’t like there were a lot of trained great white sharks or CGI in 1975. Attempting a shark attack movie of that scope with the film technology of the era should’ve resulted in disaster. It’s to Spielberg’s incredible skill as a director that he fashioned a blockbuster hit out of it, because every Jaws knock-off that followed (at least until CGI became a thing) were laughably terrible examples of how bad this sub-genre coult get.

And if you scrounge down into the barrel of those knock-offs, beyond the Jaws sequels, other American-made titles, and past foreign attempts, you’ll arrive at the sticky, scummy bottom. It’s here that a corroded copy of Cruel Jaws exists. This Italian horror flick isn’t just bad, it’s tacky plagiarism to the highest order. Noted cinematic thief Bruno Mattei liberally cribbed scenes from six other shark movies (including all of the Jaws franchise) and — why not? — threw in some Star Wars music to give the lawyers an extra treat.

Our hero for the hour is Dag, a Florida aquarium owner who looks like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Gandalf. Dag’s wife was killed and his daughter put into a wheelchair due to “the accident.” The movie never tells us what this accident was, so I’m going with a giant squid attack and you can’t stop me.

Dag runs an aquarium that’s on the verge of getting repossessed by the evil mayor, his daughter swims with the dolphins there, and his best friend — a dippy shark expert named Billy — identifies that a dead body on the beach was victim of a shark attack.

Close the beach! the good guys cry. But our seasonal tourism drives profits! responds the mayor. Couldn’t you be bothered to write original plot points! screams the audience.

But before you accuse Cruel Jaws of being too derivative, just know that the shark here is a Tiger, not a Great White. So… there?

Lots of local teens start getting killed by swimming at “night” (clearly the daytime with the light filter turned down) before Dag’s Daring Do-Gooders take to the water to end this menace once and for all. Will this Tiger shark be nipped in the fin before the regatta takes place? Was the shark actually trained to kill, as Billy theorizes?

The question isn’t “What’s wrong with Cruel Jaws?” because it’s pretty much everything. The plot is recycled. Shark clips are lifted from other flicks and are never spliced in well. Too many scenes are filmed in near-darkness so that you can’t see what’s happening. The acting is beyond cringy. And sometimes the shark is actually a dolphin (I’m not even lying here).

The oddest thing is that the whole production, from the fashion to the soundtrack to the very look of the film stock, looks like it came from the mid-80s, not the mid-90s. Perhaps it was done to match the antiquated shots they stole, but somehow I don’t think so.

So with a plot that’s almost beat-for-beat Jaws and Jaws 2, why see Cruel Jaws at all? Mostly for the same reason you’d see any other bad movie: To get a kick out of the cheesy acting and ridiculous moments, of which there are many here. The sloppy stealing of far better films adds to the tonal silliness and makes for a legendary pile of leftovers.

Intermission!

• Illegal dives are best done at night. And with a harpoon gun.
• Sharks love their roaring, oh yes they do
• Who needs to see anything in these first five minutes?
• Sharks can ram through the bottoms of ships
• “Something smells fishy here.”
• Unexpected dead torso puts a damper on a flirty race
• The camera really loves shoving us right into the dead guy’s face
• That guy has the worst feathery mullet I’ve ever seen
• Yeah let’s go blow up some dolphins? What’s wrong with these guys?
• The police have an awesome ’80s-style rap soundtrack
• Who the heck uses old fashioned slide shows in 1995?
• “Don’t be so wicked, Mr. Lewis.”
• SEAL ATTACK!
• “Once and for all, Billy, is it the fish or me? Do I have to grow gills?”
• “I’m generous above all… love is written in my eyes.” Best romance talk ever.
• I think you just sniped a dolphin
• “It’s almost as if someone’s trained him to attack and kill.”
• Beaches cannot be that wheelchair accessible
• Those nets cost — wait for it — $30,000!
• “You’re vomit! You’re a nobody!”
• The regatta music is so cheery that it robs any tension of the shark invasion
• That’s the smallest PA
• Hunting sharks “isn’t like fishing for sardines”
• Nice Jurassic Park quote
• “12 gauge. Cool.” I don’t think a shotgun’s going to have much penetration into the water
• THE STAR WARS THEME as the boat takes off
• Maybe don’t douse your whole ship in gasoline for no good reason unless you want to be blown up