“What is that thing? You hear it in all the Tarzan movies. Is it big? Does it bite? Should we be running?”

Justin’s rating: Heheheheh

Justin’s review: Some movie names are so painfully generic that it seems as though they were designed to have eyeballs slide right over them. So I wouldn’t blame you for not even registering Gunmen as a thing that existed based on the title alone. Might as well call a film Shooty.

But persist past that and you’ll discover that lurking under this naming camouflage is a Miramax action- buddy comedy with a stacked cast, including Patrick Stewart (Masterminds), Denis Leary (Judgment Night), Christopher Lambert (Fortress), and Mario Van Peebles (Solo). Oh, and a screenplay written by Stephen Sommers (The Mummy). The more I heard about this film, the more I became genuinely excited to jump into it.

Hey, it’s Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair, years before X-Men! That’s kinda funny. But instead of playing a benevolent mind reader, Stewart is a ruthless South American drug lord who is a wee bit peeved that someone stole $400 million from him and stashed it on a boat. So he sends loyal soldier Armor (Leary) and his crew to track down the money by any means possible.

The only lead is to Dani (Lambert), the slightly unhinged brother of the thief who may know where the boat is at. Getting to him first is DEA officer Cole (Van Peebles), who busts him out of prison for a rip-roaring partnership through the jungles and urban landscape of whatever country this is supposed to be.

Right away, I knew I was going to like Gunmen for its commitment to ridiculous humor and sweaty style, and guns blazing action. There are people doing objectively terrible things (Stewart’s O’Malley begins the film burying his wife alive for some undisclosed indiscretion, and Armor orphans a kid right in front of said kid), but you get the sense that none of this is being taken that seriously, as though this is some sordid pulp action paperback put to screen.

And the people taking this the least serious are Lambert and Van Peebles, who form the buddy comedy core of this film. They’re witty and goofy and full of leaking machismo. Lambert is perhaps the funniest I’ve ever seen him as he channels his inner crazy. Sometimes the two dudes are adversarial, sometimes they work together, but always they’re trying to stay one step ahead of Armor’s off-kilter but incredibly deadly and far better armed commandos.

They do hook up with one of Cole’s friends to gear up with all sorts of big guns, and suddenly Armor’s forces are whittled down to a manageable size. There are also some double-crosses as Armor tries to pull one over on his boss (that’s a lot of money, after all).

Toss in Denis Leary’s dry sarcasm, a peppy Latin soundtrack, some well-known rappers for some reason, loads of snarky quotes, and enough firefights and stunts to keep everything moving at a brisk pace, and you’ve got yourself a great little ’90s popcorn flick. I enjoyed every minute of this and gladly pass it along for your approval.

Intermission!

• Eating flies and counting them is a way to pass the time in jail
• Nothing like starting a film with Patrick Stewart burying a woman alive while negotiating a deal
• “I’m so happy to see you! Who are you?”
• “Trust me sweetheart. You’re better off.”
• Nuns are great for orphan delivery
• Big ol’ snake
• Mmm beetle snack
• The nighttime cuddle-interrogation scene had me roaring with laughter: “Give daddy one kiss for the name”
• Dani using his fingers as a gun after he loses the pistol
• “You guys tie me up, you better mean it.”
• Nothing like a rap song in the middle of a South American-located film
• Interrogating people by hanging them upside down from a helicopter is a new one. Does seem like the shouting wouldn’t work that well.
• Throwing knives can be more deadly than guns
• The bad guys sure love shooting each other for some reason
• Jumping out of a helicopter with your hands tied doesn’t seem well advised
• Patrick Stewart’s weirdest death scene ever
• “Don’t take it like that, I just shot you in the leg, no big deal.”
• Getting shot in the leg is, apparently, no big deal
• It’s a really good idea to shoot each other in the leg before fighting a whole bunch of bad guys
• The elevator doors opening to a bunch of bad guys and Dani trying to close the doors again, was pretty funny
• “I can read! I can read!”
• Spear gun to the chest can’t feel good