“I have made better sounds sitting on the pot!”

Justin’s rating: Every time he takes a shower, he unintentionally inhales six pounds of hair

Justin’s review: The Faustian deal — selling your soul for your greatest desire — drives this off-kilter movie from 1991. But really, Shock ‘Em Dead is basically an ’80s movie for all of its fawning love for hair metal rock.

Martin (musician and color commentator Stephen Quadros) really wants to join Creeping Flesh, the coolest dang rock band in the whole wide world. Or the 90210 zip code. Or at least the school where it’s renting a room. Or at least most of the room.

To see his dreams of becoming a rock god come true, Martin sells his soul to a voodoo lady who stabs him in the heart. Suddenly flush with skill, popularity, eye liner, and more fluffy, feathered hair than he ever dreamed, Martin becomes an overnight sensation as “Angel.” However, his deal comes with a price — he’s got to keep murdering people because that’s in the fine print of the deal. Or something.

Shock ‘Em Dead is just a hair’s breath above VHS/soap opera quality — it’s more like a well-shot episode of Saved by the Bell in the visual department. Sometimes that looks a little too cheap, but not always, because sometimes it cranks up the effort and comes off pretty decent and even creative. And this uneven quality extends to the cast, which includes Traci Lords as Angel’s eventual love interest and band manager Lindsay.

As Angel enjoys his new lifestyle, he learns from one of his new live-in girlfriends that they too made a deal with the devil — and that their bargains came with a price. I’m not sure why these women got stuck being in his house, unless this is some work-release program from hell. In any case, they tell him that he can’t eat (it turns toxic) and he’ll have to feed on other people’s souls to stay alive.

So yeah, he’s now a rock ‘n roll vampire, which sounds far more rad than how Angel is portrayed. Even putting aside the, y’know, murder, he’s a complete jerk to just about everyone. Nothing like returning to your former pizza job and shoving an innocent employee’s face into a vat of sauce to win over the audience.

Shock ‘Em Dead may have a few moments of creativity, but those are far outshadowed by a raging juvenile power fantasy that’s frankly embarrassing to witness. The double guitar used in this film is perhaps its greatest metaphor: The whole thing is totally and obviously stupid except to some young kid who thought it was the height of cool.

Intermission!

• Headbands for bands really need to make a comeback
• Random strange voodoo lady fly-by — she’s got to much face paint
• Heart stabbings and snake cuddlings are part of this deal
• Zombie cameo!
• That double guitar looks so impractical. How can you change chords?
• Satan is a rocker
• He’s got a waterbed, folks
• You never see Angel’s face when he’s playing guitar, only closeups on his hands. HMMM.
• Remember when guys used to wear berets in the early ’90s and thought it was cool
• “She was my spiritual advisor.”
• That guy needs to lay off the skintight spandex
• You’ll get a huge ovation if you throw up on your audience
• “Well my dear, you’re going to heaven and I’m going to hell.”
• Spandex guy screams like a girl. A lot.
• Hot tub snake is perfect for romance
• Dishwashers are great for hiding bodies in a pinch
• I think your girlfriend is… well done