“America! Help us!”

Justin’s rating: I come in peace, shoot to kill shoot to kill

Justin’s review: You know how when you watch the news of a major disaster unfolding and everyone is running away except for some brave heroic souls striding toward the danger? I imagine that I’m like that when it comes to truly bad cinema. There are people in comments trying to wave others off, YouTubers crying out in pain, all testifying as to how awful this all is — and that only fuels my determination to put my head down and barrel into the inferno.

No need to thank me, citizens of this planet. The national holidays and a $40,000 annual living retainer is thanks enough.

Nukie is an entry in the “shamless E.T. ripoff” category, right alongside the equally disturbing (and entertaining) Pod People and Mac and Me. It features a pair of joyriding aliens who land on earth as a lark. Miko is captured by “The Space Foundation” in the U.S. and studied, while Nukie makes his way to South Afrida — where this was filmed — and starts hiking his way the short and somewhat wet distance to his friend.

Both aliens are absolutely grotesque, coming off as lumpy drugged monkeys that lack the cute factor of Spielberg’s creation. Unlike those other films I mentioned, these extra-terrestrials speak English and have a working knowledge of our planet. I would imagine if something like this popped out from behind a bush and started talking to us humans, they’d be swiftly beaten without mercy.

You see, you do not want to hear Nukie and Miko speak. They’re both grating beyond belief, spending so much time sending each other long-distance screeches and doing a lot of internal monologuing. I mean, it is kind of funny how Miko keeps screaming in Nukie’s mind whenever he’s experimented upon. But do we need to hear any of it? Absolutely not.

In his journeys across a safari, Nukie develops a fan club that includes two mostly undressed tribal children, a talking chimp (seriously), and a nun. They also make besties with a helicopter pilot named Eric who is Nukie’s best chance of finding Miko.

But to be honest, Nukie doesn’t need their help because he comes equipped with an array of superpowers like invisibility, telepathy, freeze beams, healing hands, fire lighting, earthquake generation, fireworks, making animals go to sleep, and being able to turn into a flying ball of light. Also, he keeps trying to interrogate the local animals (who can talk to him… somehow) about where America is. Inexplicably, he can only talk to chimps and apes.

Of course, this raises the question of why Miko isn’t using these same abilities to go HAM on his captors and escape on his own. Maybe it’s spa day for him and he doesn’t want to let the good times end. And since the movie shows Nukie casually flying around the moon to impress the locals, you would think that he’d be able to head over to Florida just as easy. Nope!

Even Nukie’s creators weren’t that fond of the end product. One of the co-directors later said, “It’s something you remember like a trauma. Oh God, Nukie!’” 

That’s a proper sentiment. Just when you think you’ve got a grip on this movie, it invents a whole new ball of weirdness and lobs it your way. Oh hey, now the aliens talk. Oh hey, now there’s a sentient computer that hypnotizes intruders. Oh hey, Nukie froze a guy and his tribe has to spend half the film fixing him. Oh hey, Nukie performed grand theft helicopter. Oh hey, now Nukie is dancing to EDM and shooting off fireworks. Oh hey, Nukie is remote controlling a dirt bike. Oh hey, the computer just diddled that guy’s mind so that he thinks he’s a clown for good now.

There’s absolutely no doubt that Nukie is a legendarily bad movie full of non sequiturs, irritating voice-overs, and cheesy special effects. Yet it’s not boring, which is what takes this to a better level. It packs so much lunacy and weirdness into its 100 minute runtime. The African setting with all of the locals is a nice change of pace from normal first-world settings, and there’s some goofy comedy that actually works… from time to time.

If you’ve got friends who love dunking on bad movies, this would be perfect for any viewing party. Plus — and I say this from experience — it’s hecka fun to randomly yell out “NUKIEEEE” as you go about your day.

Intermission!

• The “touchdown” notice for UFOs
• I think you can figure out if this alien is “animal, mineral, or vegetable” you dolt
• “He’s breathing without a lung.”
• Nukie bounces a message off the moon to Miko
• No, Nukie, the giraffe is not “America”
• Why can Nukie fly a bit but not always?
• Oh stop your whining, Nukie. We all wish the earth would swallow you up.
• Yes, keep on torturing the alien by shooting lasers in its eye. That’s science for you!
• How many times Miko screams “NUKIEEEEE!” Enjoy each and every one of them. They will haunt your dreams.
• Wait, the chimp TALKS?
• If you like seeing a lot of alien snot, boy is this movie for you
• “This audience is over. I have work to do.”
• Talking chimps like candy
• “A computer, how quaint!”
• The computer hypnotizing Miko and then laughing like an insane Bond villain made me laugh so hard I had to wipe the spittle from my chin
• Nukie casually flying a helicopter, because that’s something that space aliens who can inherently fly like to do
• Miko is an expert hacker, yo
• “This is Miko, we just became friends. Come here. Come closer. Come to meeeeee.”
• What’s that guy throwing? Dominos, teeth, and stones?
• Chimps really love that Pepsi product placement
• SYNTH DANCE-OFF AND ALSO FIREWORKS
• The computer hitting on the female: “YOOU SMELL GOOOOD”
• “I discovered I have a heart. And feelings.”
• “Welcome to Miko and EDDI’s circus!” worst music ever
• “We have raised your brainwaves. You are just experiencing your childhood dreams.”
• I kind of think an actual cobra bit that kid
• Nukie got shot, it’s a about time