“Some kung fu I learned in ‘Nam.”

Justin’s rating: Thick glasses can make a McDreamy a McDorky.

Justin’s review: You want to absolutely infuriate me? Build a movie series around a particular theme — say, summer camp — and abandon said theme with a middle entry that has absolutely nothing to do with that. Worldwide riots have started for such disrespect.

I’ve held a long grudge against Meatballs III: Summer Job for turning its back on the core premise of this hallowed franchise in order to serve up a lame Porky’s-style teen sex comedy. I can only imagine how embarrassing this is on the resume of star Patrick Dempsey, right before he became a famous romantic heartthrob. Some day I hope to bump into him on the street and loudly say, “Hello there, Meatballs III: Summer Job star Patrick Dempsey! Why are you walking away from me so quickly!”

So instead of visiting any sort of summer camp, Meatballs III follows the first movie’s Rudy (now played by Dempsey) as he goes to work for Bill Murray’s Tripper at a riverside resort town. Of course, Bill Murray wasn’t going to touch this stinker for any salary, so his character is “retired” off-screen and Rudy has to work for a grouchy dude named Mean Gene and avoid a gang of rowdy river goons.

Rudy’s presented as a completely hopeless dweeb in the art of love as he leers at women but gets laughed at by almost all of them. Again, this is retroactively hilarious knowing that this guy grows up to be McDreamy, but that may be the only laugh I got out of this. In any case, heaven sends him a romantic life coach in the form of aging former porn star Roxy (Sally Kellerman, M*A*S*H), who appears to him and him only. Honestly, she sounds like a horrible source of love advice, but since this movie is firmly in the mindset that “love” is only the crassest physical function, she fits into the logic.

She also has an array of ghost powers, which might be the only interesting and creative bits in this film. She can freeze time, mind control people, and bring back the lifeboat of the Titanic for a pleasure jaunt. For most of the movie, Rudy seems irked rather than delighted at a genie who can do pretty much anything at his command.

Listen, it’s taken me two attempts to get through this because I was rolling my eyes so hard the first time around. And I’m only writing up this review to complete the series, not because of any latent admiration. Meatballs III isn’t merely a bad film, it’s a rank embarrassment to everyone on both sides of the screen. It doesn’t even bother to show women above the neck half the time, dishes out the cringiest innuendo, and makes our hero Rudy to be a down-and-out pervert.

Rudy does have one female friend, Wendy (Isabelle Mejias, State Park), who’s constantly throwing herself at him. But he finds her repulsive (?) even though he’s absolutely desperate for female companionship and I am so done with the stupidity of this film.

This shouldn’t have been a Meatballs film at all, but it’s not like anyone saw this anyway. It exists, like most of these ’80s frisky teen movies, so people can point and comment about how shameful we used to be without acknowledging that these movies never really left the scene. It’s simply not talked about in polite society.

Intermission!

• Well these are certainly a raft of horrible pick-up lines
• Where does one get a magazine like that?
• “Hey! Trail turd!” is a notable insult
• That bike boat looks awkward, as does the beer boat
• “I doubt it Tom, you need a brain to dream.”
• “See you later hunk!” throws him off the porch into the water
• Heaven has a slide that sends you back down to earth
• That floating shack looks like a literal death trap as it’s sinking
• The shark on the rowboat, because Jaws references are always timely
• I like the guy throwing himself off the dock into the lake when he gets doused with mop water
• Wait, Roxy has magic freezing powers now?
• The Titanic lifeboat is not something I thought I’d see today
• MAKEOVER! Get rid of them glasses!
• “You might have some new threads but you’ll always be a loser.”
• “What did I tell you outside? No means yes!” OK that is not good advice, movie
• I think Mean Gene legitimately kills several people on the river