“You’re basically a walking disco ball.”

Justin’s rating: The fake wig is a good metaphor for this movie, but I couldn’t tell you why

Justin’s review: It’s starting to feel like I’m getting to a period of my life where a lot of the movie stars I grew up watching are — let me put this politely — getting up there in their years. Hollywood’s being a lot better in keeping these actors working in their senior years than it used to, probably because there are fewer new stars to replace them, but it’s still kind of a bummer to see the shocking effect of age. I find myself wondering if each movie starring particular favorites will be the last that actually matters.

As of the writing of this review, Sandra Bullock — she of Speed, Demolition Man, and Miss Congeniality — is 60 years old. That’s not ancient, I know, but I did a bit of a double-take when I realized that. I had wondered if 2009’s The Proposal was her last romcom, and she was already 45 when she did that. But bless her, she came back to do another one just a few years ago, and it kind of made waves. So take that, aging expectations!

Lifting ideas wholesale from Romancing the Stone, The Lost City stars Bullock as Loretta Sage, a reclusive romance novelist (and widow) who used to be an archaeologist back in the day. Now she makes a ton of money from her writing and goes on book tours with Alan (Channing Tatum, 21 Jump Street), who is the cover model for the male love interest of her stories. Think “Fabio,” if you’re old enough to remember him.

While on tour, Loretta gets kidnapped by billionaire Abigail Fairfax (Daniel Radcliffe), one of those budding mad villains who’s got minions and thinks that Loretta can help him find a lost treasure on a tropical island before a volcano explodes.

Alan — a good-hearted dunderhead who is secretly in love with Loretta — feels called to action in this great moment of need. Of course, he lacks any real skills to enact a rescue, which is why he calls up Brad Pitt who’s some ex-special forces hyper-competent Jason Bourne-type hero. That plan works for about 12 minutes until Pitt gets a bullet in his head and Alan and Loretta find themselves on the run from a madman in unknown territory.

Now, the winning formula of romcom and light adventure is a safe bet, thanks to coating a girlie center with an easy-to-swallow pill of man-approved explosions and fistfights. Plus, it’s always more interesting to watch a budding romance happen while on an Indiana Jones-ish outing than walking around New York City while a Frank Sinatra soundtrack plays.

The thing is that if you’re going this route, you’ve got to put some effort into the three elements: comedy, adventure, romance. You can’t simply coast on the hybrid structure. While it is pleasant, The Lost City definitely coasts.

Bullock and Tatum — the center of this film — are not bringing their A game here. This version of Sandra Bullock is nice and a little snarky, but she’s nowhere near the passionate firecracker that I know she can be. And Channing Tatum simply doesn’t have enough material to bring out his comedic strengths, leaving him to be the aw-shucks underrated nice guy. Even the story doesn’t feel ambitious. I did wish that the actual adventure was something more than (a) a bunch of wandering through non-descript jungle and (b) a brief ending sequence walking through some caves and finding a tomb with zero booby traps.

I didn’t hate it, and my wife and I enjoyed a few laughs and a good-natured story with pretty scenery. But if it didn’t have the star power it boasts, there’s no way that The Lost City would be remembered at all.

Intermission!

• That’s a lot of snakes: “Who trained them? What do they eat? Why are they not biting that guy?”
• “I feel like a nerdy figure skater.”
• Oh they did not dab. They did. I wish they had not.
• Hearing “The Final Countdown” play, I really expected Gob Bluth to emerge
• And there goes the wig
• “Does he die from a staph infection?”
• “You can transition gracefully into the shirt-on phase of your modeling career.”
• “How can I visit… ancient Greece?”
• “You’re like a human mummy.” “Mummies are human.”
• “Is this Taken? Am I tooken?”
• Brothers Abigail and Leslie
• That’s a lot of flying food
• “She was dead. She wasn’t gone, we found her.”
• “She on a plane?” “How can you tell that?” “Cause she can’t swim that fast.”
• That is a delightfully small car
• “I should go with you. For backup and awesomeness.”
• “Red Right Hand” is a great song for infiltration
• “Great effort, Alan, but that man was already unconscious.”
• Leeches tend to congregate around the buttocks
• You have nowhere to run on a boat