“Excuse me, Mr. Belnet, but there’s a dead woman in the drive-thru lane.”

Justin’s rating: Matriculating with mustard and mayo

Justin’s review: The so-called screwball sex comedy — often featuring a shocking lack of actual sex — had a really odd run throughout the ’80s. Today, if we’re forced to behold these movies, it’s usually with a scrunched-up face that just doesn’t get it. Seriously, did anyone get it? What did this decade see in these films?

I’m still trying to figure that out, although not very hard. I suspect that it wasn’t so much the promise of weak titillation as it was the sense of seeing something ribald and risque and not fully approved for all audiences. Perhaps these served as a way for people to let off steam by watching lowest common denominator jokes and one-note characters goof around for 90 minutes?

While I try to come up with a thesis on this for my PhD, I turn my eagle eye upon the regrettably named Hamburger: The Motion Picture. I have never thought that putting “The Motion Picture” as a subtitle ever made a movie more cool. Usually it’s the other way around. But in this case, it’s not like it’s letting down the word “hamburger.” There’s equal banality on both sides of that colon.

After a patriotic song about “hamburgers for America” that was used in every election cycle since 1992, we meet Russell, a guy who can’t stop women from throwing themselves at him — and keeps getting kicked out of colleges because of it. And if he doesn’t graduate with a university degree, he’s not going to inherit the $250,000 from his grandfather’s will.

Thus, Russell elects to enroll in the one place where a degree is all but guaranteed: Busterburger University, where everyone learns the ins and outs of fast food preparation in 12 weeks. I’m not quite sure why this requires several college courses when a grainy 30-minute VHS training video can do, but that’s the premise and we’re going with it!

There at B.U., Russell meets his fellow classmates and marvels at their single defining trait. There’s Hyper Nerd, Chaste Nun, Frisky Spanish Girl, Jovial Fat Guy, Prince Wannabe, and Sleazy Italian. They’re all trained by Dick Butkus, who plays a loud bully in a ketchup-red beret and tells them that they can’t leave campus, can’t drink or smoke, and definitely may not know each other in the Biblical sense.

I’ll give the film this: It really went all-in on the idea of a fast food-themed college. Busterburger University is hilariously detailed, from burger beds to mad scientist laboratories to pickle torture chambers to drill sergeants with spatulas instead of riding crops. We also get the franchise’s theme song, founding father, training courses, and the like.

And if I’m tossing out faint compliments, it is a twist on the genre to have our main character trying to run away from hooking up rather than run toward it.

Everything else is fairly predictable: Lots of physical comedy, silly quips, cartoon sound effects, and everyone overacting to a T. It’s like a raucous party, jumping from scene to scene to quickly mine whatever ridiculous notion the filmmakers thought of that day. Russell and his fellow students are game for anything that comes their way, demonstrating a camaraderie that was agreeable to experience.

Also, one of their members gets turned into a chicken. I won’t spoil the surprise as to who.

I should lie but won’t: I laughed a few times and generally enjoyed the fast food absurdity here. It’s extremely stupid to the Nth degree, but it’s good-natured stupid with high fat, sodium, and sugar. How can you hate it even if it’s not healthy for you?

Intermission!

• 49-cent steakburger is a good deal
• They did not use gloves for food prep in the 80s
• This is the most patriotic song about hamburgers ever
• “It’s been like this since I was a freshmen! I haven’t seen a movie since E.T.!“
• “My father’s going to kill me” is taken literally here
• Mr. Pickle is quite rude indeed
• “Here, now you can give me the time of day.”
• The Busterburger song
• Are those students goose-stepping past the burger?
• I took an instant liking to the fat guy and his gadgets
• The huge burger beds. They kind of look comfy.
• Underwear Twinkie
• Twirling the nun out of the way to get to the food was a nice bit of physical comedy
• POOL PARTY!
• The three Bs: Beef + Buns = Bucks
• The nun wearing a habit in Busterburger colors
• The guy doing a Stevie Wonder imitation with the glasses
• Chainsaws in class mean that you’re in for a good day
• The pickle is dead! But she does leave behind some offspring.
• The burger machine looks fun
• “And a pickle in every bite!”
• The doll inexplicably having a voice: “I’m a real girl! Hi guy! Whee!”
• The pickle torture chambers: “Oh man, are we in a pickle!”
• The burger church service with choir
• Where did she get a machine gun?
• Helicopters can fully dismantle a car
• He’s actually growing wings! And laid an egg!
• The bizarre menu at the restaurant
• “Hi, can I Buster help you?”
• I’ve never seen a movie cheerfully drop so many MF bombs
• All of the pig sounds as the fat people eat
• The exploding bathroom