“We’re going to put salt in the pool. And I’m hoping for a lot more kissing.”

Justin’s rating: Something smells fishy in here

Justin’s review: An astute reader might rightly ask why, in the name of all that’s gooey and wonderful in the world, why would I waste my time reviewing a completely forgotten sequel to a mermaid movie that’s itself practically forgotten today? And to that I would give you my business card:

Justin, Mutant Reviewer

No sequel too weird, no film too obscure

It’s not like I have a fetish for mermaid movies or have a hankering for some Tom what’s-his-name and Daryl Hannah romcom from the mid-80s. But if you toss a stinking, moldering sequel in my lap, I’m dining well that evening.

Plus, there’s a sort of perverse delight in knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is going to disappoint. I mean, when you recast the leads with C-list actors and make this a two-night (!) movie event on the Disney channel, you’re winding up for the biggest whiff in history.

Todd Waring (Splash Too) is your Tom Hanks replacement, playing Allen, a guy who’s still in love with a woman who is legally half-seafood. Madison (Amy Yasbeck, Robin Hood: Men in Tights) is a mermaid who can grow legs and create magic portals in the water that see plot points from across the country.

One of these points draws the pair to go to New York: Allen to help out the struggling family produce business, and Madison to rescue her best dolphin friend named Salty. Who is possibly Madison’s mother? Tax attorney? I don’t know how mermaid civilization works. But she’s got a passion for that mammal, so a rescue mission is needed to get Salty out from the clutches of an evil dolphin scientist who looks a lot like Weird Al.

There’s also a ho-hum side plot where the two make over a horrible house — on loan from another Tom Hanks movie, no doubt — and try to become an all-American couple. But since they got the whole blossoming romance out of the way in the first film, there’s not many places this story can go with their relationship. There are nosy neighbors who do nosy things, I guess, and you’re already bored. Let’s move on.

Yasbeck’s Madison is easily the best of this lame outing. She’s adorable and hits the expected notes of a naive literalist waif in a new situation… or a fish out of water? Too on-the-nose, Justin. Too on-the-nose. She’s cute in most of her interactions, but it doesn’t make sense to me how much she’s OK with moving too a major metropolis where the biggest body of salt water is her modified backyard pool.

Yet even Yasbeck isn’t able to do much with this flimsy, vapid script. You’d think that the writers would be able to come up with a more interesting angle for a transplanted mermaid than these trite affairs, and lacking that, you would hope that the characters would be given better lines. Honestly, this movie would’ve been 100% more interesting had everyone known that Madison was a mermaid and explored the implications of that.

When you’re a movie reviewer with the kind of stunning business cards like I have, it comes with a sobering responsibility to trudge to the very end of every film chosen. And I can tell you with all authority, Splash Too is a chore to complete. This is a total catch-and-release situation.

Intermission!

• For those who didn’t see the first movie, like me, there’s a fairy tale-like book opening to catch you up
• The opening theme and underwater mermaid swimming is admittedly pretty good
• How does she crimp her hair after coming out of the water on the beach?
• Spot the Tortoise (no, that’s his name)
• This guy LOVES wax lips: “You can chew them all day!”
• Mermaids can create long-distance peeping tom portals with magic: “It’s like cable for mermaids!”
• The peacock unintentionally photobombing a scene is pretty hilarious
• Maybe put on some real clothes instead of an undershirt and a tie?
• “Allen is the white Bill Cosby” what.
• “Is she still on tilt after being hit by lightning?”
• When you step through the floorboards, it’s not a good house
• This decrepit house has a pool with a waterfall?
• “Am I interrupting anything?” “Yes, we were kissing!”
• Cats really like the taste of mermaid tails
• Sailfish are extremely stuck-up
• Hey it’s Creepy Weird Al Yankovic
• “Oh Salty, you do have talent, and I’m going to take it.”
• Madison gets her homemaking tips from Leave It to Beaver
• When Madison chews out Allen in dolphin speech is pretty funny
• Of course they sleep on a waterbed