“You punk geniuses! I hope you have room on your consciences for the lives that may be lost!”

Justin’s rating: Spins a dud, any size, catches geeks just like flies

Justin’s review: As you might recall from diligent study of my previous review of Spider-Man, back in the late ’70s, CBS commissioned a live-action series of our favorite neighborhood wall-crawler starring late-20s Nicholas Hammond. While a ratings success, the network canned it after two truncated seasons totaling 14 episodes. In my experience, far more people seem to remember the ’60s cartoon than this effort.

But what’s of interest to us today is that the network didn’t just air Spider-Man on normal TV. No sir! The pilot and then a pair of two-parters were repackaged as movies and theatrically shown in Europe, which makes this officially the first Spider-Man trilogy. Today we’ll be looking at the second installment made from the two “Deadly Dust” episodes, retitled as Spider-Man Strikes Back.

Apparently there are some casting changes from the pilot, but seeing as how I watched that three years ago and also am not hanging on every bit of minutia from this series, I will adapt. In any case, the episode begins with Spider-Man creeping and climbing all over buildings (but definitely not swinging) in order to save a potential jumper. As he’s doing these heroics, Peter Parker is settling in with his job at the Daily Bugle under the tyrannical leadership of JJ Jameson. You’d think they would bond over both having first and last names that start with the same letter, but no.

Heading over to class, Parker and his fellow “college” students are more than a little wigged out that their professor is building a nuclear reactor on campus that will produce deadly radioactive dust. Unbeknownst to Peter, some of those students are planning to steal the plutonium to build a functional atomic bomb so that — I think — the college board will take the professor’s foolhardiness more serious. Never has the phrase “well that escalated quickly” was so apt.

While they fail because one of their members gets radiation poisoning, a Swiss villain named Mr. White (played by Alan Alda’s dad) pops over to the States to grab the now-complete bomb and then threaten to blow up Los Angeles unless he’s given ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Somewhere, Dr. Evil is cackling in glee, I can just tell.

While this is all happening, Spider-Man is fingered as the public threat and is hunted down by the authorities and another reporter. This is a good way to put more pressure on him — he’s got to clear his name, find the bomb, and thwart the villain all in turn. There’s even a good dose of superhero angst in a scene where Peter Parker rants about the downfalls of this lifestyle.

Spider-Man Strikes Back is a marked improvement over the pilot movie for many reasons. There are more identifiable parts of Spider-Man lore (including his powers like Spidey Sense), there’s a proper villain with a henchman, JJ Jameson is perfectly cranky, and the plot clicks along with impressively rising stakes. Yet Hammond and his hair helmet is a less-than-convincing Peter Parker/Spider-Man, a little too serious and too sincere to be the fun free-wheeling Spidey we know from the comics.

And I’m not going to say there isn’t a whole lot of ’70s-era cheese, because this film can get really funky and cheesy at a moment’s notice. And the limitations of what they can and can’t show Spider-Man doing are apparent, especially how much he clambers up ladders instead of swings around on webs.

I was also hoping, probably futilely, that one of the more recognizable villains from the comics would show up (which never did happen on this show). But no, it’s a whole lot of fear-mongering lectures about the dangers of nuclear bombs and an old guy who thinks he can do karate.

I have a feeling that this film will appeal more to people who would enjoy mocking Spider-Man and laughing at his misfortune than actual fans of the comics. But I would have given real money to watch some guy in a ’70s idea of Rhino’s costume or Vulture mincing around.

Intermission!

• Absolutely all expense was spared on the opening credits
• I like how Spider-Man has all the poise of a peeping tom as he climbs up and down these buildings
• “Honey, you got the WRONG Mr. Jameson!”
• I love how freaked out the students are that their professor is creating a nuclear reactor on campus
• Oh the cheesy “I’m in love” music
• Spidey-Sense looks like you’re seeing everything in red
• Yes, let’s drink water right next to the “DANGER RADIOACTIVE” bucket right there
• No, you do NOT have to build an atomic bomb just to “prove a point”
• Having bikini girls scrub you down in your overly soapy tub is one perk of being a super-villain
• KARATE PRACTICE HYAH
• Monkeying about with plutonium while not wearing a shred of protective gear seems a little suicidal
• That’s a weird chief reference
• Peter wants to keep his press card as a souvenir
• “We weren’t going to explode it!”
• This movie proves that Peter Parker is the worst on-the-spot liar in the world
• Spider-Tracer bug
• Spider-Man creating a web for him to land in is a neat moment
• A riveting “will Jameson pay for Peter’s airfare or not” scene that goes on for way too long.
• Two dollars for a glass of orange juice and lemonade without the sugar. LA is weird, man.