“What’s merry about it? I hate Christmas!”

Justin’s rating: “Keep your trap shut?” What kind of speech filth were you peddling in 1996, ABC?

Justin’s review: I’ve been nursing a theory that could tie every single Christmas movie in the world to each other. My theory is that Santa Claus is actually operating a long-running clandestine experiment upon the world on a single day of year, and every Christmas movie is a different “experiment” through which he introduces variables and scenarios to see what happens and if he can break these people. Santa even has body doubles and fake sets for those experiments that end up visiting the “North Pole” (which is probably in Saskatchewan).

Thus, Die Hard, The Santa Clause, Elf, and all 648 versions of A Christmas Carol all exist in the same demented cinematic universe over which a nefarious bearded puppeteer pulls the strings. Think about it.

One of our red-coated mad scientist’s favorite tools to employ is chronological trickery. There’s nothing he loves more than to stick people in time loops around the holidays until they go crazy while drooling around a peppermint stick.

Subject to this treatment is Billy (Erik von Detten, Brink!), who’s an even whinier entitled teenager than Luke Skywalker wanting to go to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters. He’s struggling with his jump shot, he’s got to make deliveries for his dad’s (Robert Hayes, Airplane!) store on Christmas Eve, he likes the girlfriend of the local bully, and he totally hates being in the pageant.

Poor Billy. Poor poor Billy. You know what would mess with his head? Making every day Christmas for the better part of a month. That’s sure to bring out his hollies and jollies and brainwash him well and good!

I’ve actually seen too many of the Christmas variety of these time loops — including the one with Donald Duck and his nephews and 12 Dates of Christmas and 12 Days of Christmas Eve — to look at this as novel (although it probably was more so in 1996). But when it works, it works, so why not copy it?

These are psychological boot camps for selfish jerks, and there’s no one more selfish on this planet than a teenage boy who thinks the world revolves around him. So we get to see Billy try to figure out how to best cope with the repeat Christmases, including manipulating things for his own gain, getting revenge, and indulging in a massive pity party for himself.

But then he starts to come around and gets to know his family and neighbors a bit better, seeing that there are genuinely worse-off people who need help. As I said, it’s predictable, and Christmas Every Day isn’t going to be that daring (fun fact: This is based on a short story from 1892, so I guess time loops have been around for a lot longer than Bill Murray).

Formula can still be fun, and there’s a reason why it’s satisfying to see a selfish heart turn to selflessness, especially when it’s based around a holiday which naturally amplifies the sentimentality and drama. Robert Hayes also impressed me as a rather good dad who’s trying hard to connect with and support his son. Considering that I only really knew him from Airplane!, it’s nice to see his range.

Alas, Christmas Every Day doesn’t do much more than be blandly inoffensive. It fails to do anything interesting with the premise or deal out any genuinely funny moments, so all it’s got left is playing out some dramatic beats and seeing a selfish kid grow up.

Intermission!

• I love movies that start with whiny teenagers
• That cash register has got to be from the 1800s
• “Contact sport! Deal with it!”
• So many mid-90s boy haircuts, it’s like the Hanson brothers up in here
• Dang that’s a big camcorder — remember when we used to record with those and not our little pocket rectangles?
• $1500 for that piece of drab motel art? Take the cash, man.
• Don’t be a Santa denier!
• “Santa doesn’t give jump shots, you gotta practice!”
• Is that basketball game on fast-forward?
• “And the baby was born in the manger. AGAIN.”
• “Sleep is BAD, Billy!”
• Why does he trip on the stairs every day?
• He’s in pubertyville
• You can kung fu train in minutes by watching a martial arts movie
• “Bullying the bully doesn’t work.”
• Billy acting artificially chipper is weird
• Oh man, an Arnold “I’ll be back” imitation
• And now a Clint Eastwood homage
• Eating cat food can’t be that much cheaper than real food, I’ve seen prices for those tins
• Billy couldn’t fix the whole world, so he’s mad
• The constant close-up shots of basketball bugged me. Why couldn’t they show the actual actor missing? That’s not that hard.
• Teaching someone to ride a bike for the first time while on icy snow doesn’t strike me as a good idea
• Everyone is really happy to get absolutely plastered with fake snow