“Maximum speed sesame.”

Justin’s rating: No insurance company would ever cover this kid’s property after these movies

Justin’s review: How do you systematically disassemble a beloved franchise? Without trying too hard, the Home Alone series seems to have figured it out. The first step in ruining it is creating a theater-bound threequel with absolutely no connection to the previous films. Then for the fourth, you return to the original characters and setting… only to completely replace them with lower-budget stand-ins. It also helps if you shuffle this off straight-to-video right in time to make a cheap buck for the holiday 2002 season.

Oh yes, I have returned to the Home Alone series this year, determined to finally make it through to the end of all six of them. Because we’re talking about quality declining so hard it’s skydiving with one of those cartoon anvils instead of a parachute, I will probably need resuscitation afterward. Please be standing by with a medical kit after the last paragraph.

So yeah, we’re back to the McCallisters, only this time Kevin is played by some kid named Mike Weinberg and his mom, dad, Buzz, and other family members replaced by other actors you don’t know. On top of that, this was filmed in South Africa, Harry is completely MIA, and Marv is now French Stewart. There’s no John Williams, no John Hughes influence, no laughs, and no heart.

People, when the strongest card in your promotional deck is “Starring French Stewart,” maybe it’s time to let the Wet Bandits win.

With Kevin’s parents divorcing (ha ha), Kevin ends up going to his dad’s girlfriend Natalie’s mansion and protects it from an intrusion by Marv and his wife Vera (Missi Pyle).

Can I mention how smarmy and sleazy Kevin’s dad is now? He’s so brutal to his ex-wife that you start to root for the bad guys to trash his new girlfriend’s palatial estate. It’s such a weird and unnecessary choice, especially as it trods all over a previously liked character who is a staple in many people’s Christmas movie traditions.

Another strange thing is that the film initially portrays Natalie as pretty nice and understanding of this difficult family situation. It’s also her house being targeted, so she’s a victim here. But about halfway through the writers decide that she’s got to be mean or something so that the parents get back together in the end. I’m very much on Team Natalie, at least as much as any terminally bored reviewer can be.

This giant, fake-looking house is the centerpiece of Home Alone 4 with an array of smart gadgets and voice-activated whatevers. I suppose that sort of thing seemed like a wondrous novelty in 2002 before Alexa came along to turn on our lights for us when we couldn’t be bothered to move our wide girths from the recliner.

Anyway, this invasion of the French Stewarts gives Generic Kevin the opportunity to turn those smart gadgets against this Mensa-level criminal. A booby-trapped house was the only part of the original movie that these filmmakers seem to remember, so they lean hard into that. Generic Kevin nearly murders these intruders with high powered shower jets, grappling hooks in the junk, a dumbwaiter, a revolving bar, and pots of fondue. He also gets a spy kit for Christmas that he uses to eavesdrop ‘n’ stuff, just in case your Miranda rights weren’t fully violated.

I must mention that Marv isn’t actually trying to steal money or treasure this time around; rather, he and Vera are going to kidnap a royal kid who’s visiting Natalie’s house for Christmas. Royal from what country? Why are they visiting her home? Why on Christmas? Eh, the screenwriters can’t be bothered with actual details.

And can I note that, despite the name of this movie, Kevin is never once “home alone?” He’s not accidentally left behind, he doesn’t get the fantasy of running his own home — none of that. It’s Home With Some Other People 4: Super House.

If nothing else, this viewing experience reminded me how rare it is to strike upon truly talented and watchable child actors. Macaulay Culkin made Kevin work with great expressions and a knack for quirky comedic timing. Replacing him with another kid who’s so good as to not to constantly draw comparisons is pretty much impossible. You’re going to be thinking of the O.G. Kevin and raging because of it.

As an aside, Home Alone 4 does have one great thing going for it: renowned character actor Erick Avari as the butler. You may not know him by name, but you certainly know his face. This guy was all over the movie scene in the ’90s and 2000s, such as in Encino Man, Stargate, The Mummy, Mr. Deeds, and so on. Any time you need a slightly stuffy-looking guy to look scandalized at what the main character is doing, Avari was your man.

If you ever had a horrid fantasy where ABC remade Home Alone with a next-to-nothing budget and a bland child actor, then this movie will teach you to kill those intrusive thoughts where they arise. Believe it or not, this TV movie was a backdoor pilot for a potential series which, thankfully, never happened.

Intermission!

• Absolutely no kid would be sitting in his room watching home movies of last Christmas.
• Hey we’ve been separated for eight months and now I’m going to get remarried and take the kids from you at Christmas. Father of the year award right there!
• Oh man that jagged screen wipe, it’s painful
• Taxi cabs have no compunction against taking nine-year-olds on rides as long as the kid has a piggy bank
• “Keep the change.” “It’s all change!”
• Those are the biggest interior sliding doors I’ve ever seen
• Only in movies do people have TVs as big as walls showing like 16 different shows at once
• These are the most unsubtle criminals ever — they trip over nothing, constantly
• That’s a lot of rubber ducks for the bath
• This shower’s jets are so powerful they can knock two grown adults over. Is this the power washer room?
• That’s a ridiculous amount of water from a single bathroom
• If this kid tells you that burglars came into the house after famously fighting them off twice before, maybe believe him?
• This cameraman needs to COOL IT with some of these frantic scenes
• If you decorate a Christmas tree, you’ve got to jump and dance a lot and just throw stuff at the branches
• Natalie’s new tree looks way better, I must say
• The bear story is nowhere near as entrancing as this acting tries to make it to be
• “I don’t wanna get in the bag!”
• Being covered in chocolate sauce looks an awful lot like being covered in liquid poo
• If you are stuck in a freezer for a while, you’ll develop about four inches of solid ice around you… but you won’t suffocate and die
• Kevin asking the butler for a bottle of wine and him dead-panning “excuse me?” is the only chuckle I had in this entire film
• SHOCKING TWIST IT’S MARV’S MOM!
• If you get trapped in a basement by robbers, don’t call 911 or anything, just call the brother who hates you and won’t listen to you
• I genuinely thought Marv was going to be decapitated by the dumbwaiter
• About 35% of this movie takes place in the house’s over-huge foyer
• The organ riff suggesting that Marv and Vera were killed