Hey, it’s the name of the movie!

Justin’s rating: No Christmas deserves this

Justin’s review: Every year at Culty Christmas, I have a small checklist I like to go through. This includes at least one Christmas monster movie, at least two Christmas TV specials, and at least one truly bad Hallmark-style Christmas romance movie. For the last item, this year’s dubious winner is Christmas Coupon, which apparently no one likes. As an added plus for me, it was filmed in my old home town of Livonia, MI! Which means nothing to you, but I can spend the time watching this going, “I know that place!”

Christmas Coupon is a rough go from the start. Let’s just say that when you lead off your film with middle-aged actors pretending to be teenagers at their senior prom and then they pinky-swear their love forever, it’s best to be fishing around for a heavy metal object to start thwacking against your head.

We then move forward a decade or so to visit with two professional has-beens staring into the dregs of their pathetic lives. Alison (Courtney Mathews) is a former ice skating champ with about six pounds of makeup and eyebrows that say “I should be the evil girlfriend in an Adam Sandler movie.” Ivan (Aaron Noble) is a grumpy former hockey player who gets knocked down once or something and now he’s done.

The two used to be a couple back in the day, but they grew apart presumably because winter sports are always more important than true love. I assume it was because she gave him… a cold shoulder? And he stared her down with an… icy gaze? And then their relationship was… put on ice?

Anyway, Alison starts teaching classes on a frozen pond and gives out Christmas coupons (hey! the title!) which draws in Ivan and his niece. I should mention that everyone in this town really wants them to get back together because these folks are nosy and don’t have access to reality TV.

Ivan and Alison initially lock horns because of past wounds, so they do the dance of passive-aggressive love for a while until their feelings take over and kissy faces are made. Also, it’s Christmas. The decorations were a dead giveaway. But will they get together with their fierce apathy toward each other — and Alison’s raging jerk of an uncaring boyfriend potentially standing in the way?

Probably. It’s Christmas. The decorations, you know.

Watching a movie like Christmas Coupon is a much-needed reminder that not everyone is a natural actor. You can’t just pull people off the street, dangle the prospect of becoming a star of a sure-to-be-hit holiday film, and expect them to not poop the bed. Poop is going to happen.

No conversation in this movie sounds remotely natural. Not a single one. You can sense the cast desperately trying to remember their lines while forgetting what emotion should be conveyed. It doesn’t take much imagination on the part of the viewer to picture this as an alien’s interpretation of human customs and mannerisms.

Need more reasons why Christmas Coupon is a raging bomb? Try the CGI snow, the terrible makeup, a whole scene dedicated to a white elephant gift exchange, the same overhead establishing shot used multiple times, or the pointless schmaltzy sideplots. There are also creepy twins as well as a bearded creepy carpenter who I suspect has many bodies buried under his workshop.

So yes, you should totally make this your new Christmas family tradition.

Intermission!

• There is no way all of those people are senior high schoolers at the prom.
• In the first minute, this woman says “that is so SWEET!” and pinky-swears with a guy. I’m out. I’m done.
• When you’re giving some bad news to an ice skating instructor, it’s best to lead off with, “Do you know how thin the ice you’re skating on now?” Then when you fire her, you say, “I’m afraid that this is the day the ice breaks.”
• Professional hockey players never EVER wash their own dishes
• That “Hope Springs” sign is so small and sad that I don’t even think it convinced the actors
• Watching kids learn to skate back and forth makes for riveting filmmaking
• “No money can buy the memories or the value that we have here.”
• Nice aviator glasses, you boyfriend jerk you
• Oh no it’s Rushed Exposition Scene! Buckle up!
• Never thought I’d see a whole scene dedicated to passive-aggressive white elephant gifting
• Ivan hates Christmas. Shocker.
• “I used to be good at running. Running from difficult situations, that is.”
• Bobby is easily triggered by another guy skating by his girlfriend
• They have something special together, it’s apparently “like magic”
• The priest gives his Christmas sermon like he’s threatening people