“Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted. It’s where we end up that counts.”

Justin’s rating: The sequel is all about five AirBnBs

Justin’s review: If you weren’t there for the indie movie explosion of the ’90s, then you probably have no idea how Quentin Tarantino was suddenly everywhere virtually overnight — as an actor, writer, director, or even influence. And if you thought that he had some genuine talent but was also way too full of himself and had a creepy foot fetish, as I did, his mere presence became a burr under the saddle.

It kind of felt like Tarantino was poisoning the well of creativity by making everyone want to copy him. I felt this strongly when I originally watched Four Rooms, a 1995 anthology in which QT wrote, directed, and acted in one of the segments. But maybe it was time to hunt a copy down and give it another viewing, especially considering the incredible cast lineup that included Madonna, Ione Skye, Lili Taylor, Alicia Witt, Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Marisa Tomei, Bruce Willis, and several “You Know, That Guy” character actors.

The setup for this collection of short stories is that it’s New Year’s Eve at the Hotel Mon Signor, an establishment that’s winding down and vastly understaffed. Linking these stories is a new and somewhat goofy bellhop named Ted (Tim Roth), who is drawn into these ludicrous vignettes. So as I like to do with anthologies, let’s break down each segment and give it its own review:

Honeymoon Suite – “The Missing Ingredient”

I do like that all of these stories were both written and directed by the same person, with this one handled by Allison Anders (Gas Food Lodging). In the honeymoon suite, a coven of witches light some candles and attempt to summon their goddess — with the help of Ted. They do a silly dance, and the actresses who aren’t as well known have to show more skin. Madonna, on the other hand, is wearing like 20 pounds of what looks like very thick leather.

The vibe of this one is off-the-wall goofy, like they were going for a mildly erotic cartoon. It’s simply too silly with too little of a story to matter.

Room 404 – “The Wrong Man”

Ted walks into the wrong room and becomes embroiled in some really strange roleplay between an insane husband and a bound wife. Alexandre Rockwell (In the Soup) directs this one to the nines. The only way that a frazzled Ted is going to get out of this alive is to figure out the rules and try not to push a gun-toting maniac over the edge. The whole thing is about 80% non sequiturs, and that got old pretty fast.

Room 309 – “The Misbehavers”

Director Robert Rodriguez (El Mariachi) and Antonio Banderas team back up for a tale of babysitting gone wild. A couple leaves their two misbehaving kids alone with Ted, who as we’ve come to learn gets in over his head pretty quickly.

As time goes by, things spiral out of control: The kids trash the room, find a dead body, get exposed to TV channels they shouldn’t, uncover drug needles, smoke, get drunk… you know, all sorts of wholesome things! There’s also a whole bunch of weird foot sniffing that I’m not even going to try to analyze (hint, it has something to do with the dead body). Ted loses it even more than usual, and everything crashes to a pretty hilarious conclusion.

Penthouse – “The Man from Hollywood”

Finally, we get to Quentin Tarantino’s contribution to this hodge-podge of tales. Ted, seconds away from walking out of this job for good, is convinced by his boss to cater to the penthouse and its celeb clientele. And who is this celeb? Why, it’s QT himself! Just in case you might miss him in the scene, the movie switches to first-person perspective so QT can go on a long-winded rant right in our face. He needs the ego-stroking, this one.

Years of my therapy, wiped out in a moment.

There isn’t much of a plot to this one other than semi-improvised dialogue and a dare that involves lighting a cigarette lighter, a Chevy, and chopping off someone’s finger. It’s the longest segment with way too much talking filler… and then it’s over.

Four Rooms wants to be seen as more clever, quirky, and authentic than it actually is. It’s a mess, to be honest. There are moments and characters that stand out — Tim Roth is an MVP for sure — but man oh man was I watching the clock with this one.

Intermission!

• That bellhop’s room is coated in memorabilia
• The Pink Panther-like animated opening credits may be the best part
• The sweat of five men’s thighs sounds so dang disgusting
• Did she just breathe fire?
• This movie had pictures that came alive a long time before Harry Potter
• Magic has a goofy soundtrack and cartoonish special effects
• Baby bellhop
• “You are in the middle of a situation you cannot wish your way out of.”
• Little kids smoking is not something I thought I’d see
• The girl puts on Ted’s nametag
• “There’s naked ladies dancing on my TV and I want them off.”
• Kid, stop sucking on your toes!
• Drug needles makes for great darts
• Lotta kid slappin’ and pukin’
• You don’t often see stoner girls playing video games in ’90s movies
• Don’t ever call him Theodore