“We have such sights to show you.”

Drake’s rating: And here I can’t even solve a Rubik’s Cube.

Drake’s review: Moving is always a pain. Whether it’s across town or across the country, you have to pack everything you own into boxes, load it all onto a truck, unload the truck and then unpack again. And all the while you’re wondering just what got broken along the way. Hint: It was your favorite cup. It’s always your favorite cup.

But Larry Cotton and his family have something worse than broken cups awaiting them as they make the move into his old family home. Larry’s brother Frank had been living there, you see, and Frank was into some really weird stuff. Looking to expand his hedonistic horizons, Frank had found a cube-shaped puzzle box* in Morocco. This isn’t a toy designed by Ernő Rubik, however.

Instead, the cube is able to open a portal to another dimension. A dimension with all sorts of chains and hooks and other sharp bits that makes you hope that Frank was up to date on his tetanus shots before solving the puzzle and flinging open that door. Open it he does, though, and Frank disappears from our earthly dimension.

Unfortunately (because Frank is a fairly unpleasant sort), this isn’t quite a permanent situation. When Larry bashes his hand while moving furniture and spills a few drops of blood in the house, it’s enough of a link to bring Frank back from beyond. Some of him, at least. Frank’s more or less a gooey mess, but that’s still enough for Larry’s (second) wife Julia. She and Frank had had an affair sometime before, and Julia’s ready and willing to feed Frank one random man after another in order for him to get back to his non-gooey self again.

Honestly, no one here is in a healthy relationship and they all need family counseling.

The family dynamic really goes to heck once Larry’s daughter Kirsty enters the scene, as she encounters a still semi-gooey Frank and, declining the opportunity for a family reunion, flees with the box. Curious, she later solves the puzzle herself, which summons the uniquely strange quartet of leather-clad aliens known as the Cenobites. The Lead Cenobite, who comes to be known as Pinhead, is looking to take Kirsty back to their dimension of pointy metal things, but she understandably balks at the notion and, since the Cenobites lost Frank, she offers to trick him into returning to their not-so-tender mercies instead. The Cenobites agree to the deal, but can Kirsty really trust the word of someone whose idea of fashion is a few dozen nails hammered into his pale head?

Hellraiser is a classic horror movie, and with good reason. As directed by horror novelist Clive Barker and adapted from his novella “The Hellbound Heart,” this is a movie dripping with style… as well as a plethora of less pleasant things. Although a novice behind the camera, Barker nonetheless imbued the film with a certain impassive creepiness which is enhanced by the talent involved.

Sean Chapman’s Frank is a narcissistic sleazeball, focused entirely on himself and quite willing to sacrifice his only family if it will keep him out of the hands of the Cenobites, while Clare Higgins’ Julia is a willing and very active accomplice in Frank’s murderous mission. Andrew Robinson has a natural likability as Larry but, as Frank takes him over, his demeanor shifts and he becomes a disturbing presence rather than a reassuring one, leaving Kirsty as a Final Girl with some truly supernatural odds to overcome.

And I have to say that Ashley Laurence was well cast in the part. A fresh face on the big screen, having worked primarily in TV soap operas before Hellraiser, she approaches Kirsty with well-placed confidence. Kirsty is having to deal with a unique set of horror creatures, after all, and she’s not going to be able to defeat them by running away or even smacking them with an axe. Instead, Kirsty will have to rely on her wits if she wants to overcome Pinhead and friends as well as her own Uncle Frank.

Of course Doug Bradley made Pinhead his own, much in the same way that Robert Englund did with Freddy Krueger. Bradley plays the Cenobite as an understated menace who threatens eternal torment rather than death, and he works with an economy of motion. Pinhead doesn’t shout and he doesn’t cackle; instead, he simply tells you that you’re in his playground now, and his rules are the only ones that matter.

And he also controls seemingly infinite lengths of spiky chains, so there’s that.

Hellraiser is one heck of a horror movie, providing an unusual twist on the age-old concept of mortals fooling around with forces beyond their ken. If you haven’t seen it, give it a try sometime when you’re in the mood for something different.

And something gooey. And spiky.

*Called the LeMarchand Configuration in the original story, and the Lament Configuration in the later movies.

Intermission!

• A special shout-out to the effects and makeup crew here, as they really outdid themselves with the latex work and Cenobite designs. Pinhead is now an iconic movie monster, and that’s largely due to his striking premiere appearance in this film.
• I don’t know if that Cenobite really needs sunglasses, or if he’s just making a fashion statement.
• The scary bearded guy is getting his daily recommended allowance of… crickets?
• It’s never a good day when you’re being chased by a creepy scorpion-tailed thing.
• A nice jump scare from wooden Jesus.
• Granted, Pinhead is the most well-known Cenobite, but the Chattering Cenobite is pretty darn freaky.
• Oh, so that’s what’s behind the sunglasses. That’s pretty messed up.
• I am not a puzzle person. If the Lament Configuration had to solved in a hurry, I would SO be handing that thing over to my wife to figure out.