“It’s about time, that’s what.”

Justin’s rating: Tick tock Clarice

Justin’s review: Up to this point, I’ve never really given the Amityville franchise any of my interest because… well, it looked dull and I’ve got plenty of places to go for haunted house flicks if I want that. It’s also a dauntingly, obscenely huge franchise, boasting — and I am not kidding — 46 movies to date. Just from reading the more recent titles, I think it’s reached vastly diminishing returns: Amityville in Space, Amityville Karen, Amityville Christmas Vacation, Amityville Elevator, and Amityville Death Toilet.

I really didn’t make those up. Look it up if you don’t believe me. And yes, I get that many of these aren’t related; they just sport the non-copyrighted “Amityville” label because of name brand recognition. It’s still ridiculous, though.

Really, the only reason that I’m dipping my toe into this diluted, cesspool of a horror franchise is that Amityville 1992: It’s About Time has a scifi time travel element to it, and I’m always down for time travel. Also, it’s got a pre-PCU Megan Ward, and she was one of my secret ’90s crushes. SHHH DON’T TELL ANYONE.

While this movie was well into the direct-to-video era for this series, according to my sources It’s About Time was still trying to honor the spirit of the franchise and connect to the other movies. I’ll take their word for it. All I’m saying is that this was back when the creators cared enough to do something interesting and put some effort into it. I’ll always prefer that.

It also helped that this was helmed by a fairly capable director: Tony Randel, who did Hellraiser II, Ticks, and Fist of the North Star. I really liked me some Ticks.

Set in a garish California suburban home, It’s About Time is about a single dad who brings home an ugly antique clock to his teenage son, daughter, and on-again, off-again girlfriend. It’s a very normal, very safe clock with absolutely no unusual properties. Well, nothing unusual except for the fact that it drills right into the fireplace mantle, transforms the room into a torture chamber, shuts doors, makes everyone hallucinate, and sends people forward in time.

The clock’s eeeeeeeeeevil influences exacerbate some of the relationship issues already going on in the house, including the ex-girlfriend who really doesn’t want to get sucked back into this guy’s orbit but has has a habit of doing exactly that.

As the adults deal with drama, it’s up to the teenage boy Rusty and his best friend, elderly Iris, to get to the bottom of what’s happening and how to defeat… a clock? It’s no Freddy or Jason, true, but it’s quite the wily clock indeed. It’s never quite scary, but there are a few moments of creepiness when the clock’s ticker starts running slower.

It’s About Time is a little bit of a slasher in its bizarre kills, although how a clock — even one possessed by demonic forces or whatever — is capable of doing any of these around and outside the home is up to the imagination God gave you. The premise reminds me of that classic Simpsons episode where Stephen King is writing a Ben Franklin biography and can’t help but include a kite with a key that opens the gates of hell.

This plot does require all of your suspension of disbelief and then some to stop wondering why everyone’s not just smashing the clock or doing anything about the clock other than yelling at it. To be fair, Megan Ward does try to remove it just once and finds out that the clock’s stuck there, but that was her Plan A with no Plan B in sight.

When I say that it’s “a little bit of a slasher,” I also mean that it’s a lot of other things too. The clock manipulates time, sometimes fast-forwarding it, sometimes slowing it down, and sometimes stopping it entirely. It can also drive cars remotely. Thinking of this movie only as a standard slasher or haunted house flick is blinding yourself to the gonzo destination that it’s heading.

All of these time shenanigans play into a loose theme of breaking cycles. The end result is mildly clever, sometimes kind of gross, and vastly entertaining. It’s more fascinated with its own weirdness than being anywhere near being scary, reminding me of, say, Waxwork II that same year. I’ve heard it said that Amityville 1992 is the best of the franchise, and based on my data sample of one (1) movie, I agree with that assessment.

Intermission!

• The title clock sounds, bangs, and ominous music would make for a good Halloween soundtrack
• The dad gets the whole family really worked up over a clock
• “It’s ugly as hell.”
• This lady really likes house watching, I guess
• “Rusty, sleep well!” “Whatever…”
• “I hate having regret for breakfast.”
• A self-drilling clock!
• Flip the lightswitch, go to a torture chamber
• Teens were always skipping school in the ’90s to play chess with their elderly neighbors
• Those are some super-duper bloody bandages, perhaps because the doctors didn’t even stitch him up
• Why do these extremely old teenagers need a babysitter?
• Losing a few hours in a heartbeat is not a good sign
• All of the clock shots in this film
• The clock can close doors and soundproof the room
• How do you fit a full dog into a pool drain?
• Burping in a cop’s face is a power move
• “Nice shoes Lenny.”
• All teenage kids love having adults invite them to “opening a dialogue.”
• DICK MILLER!
• “You have a pyromaniacal Nazi down the hallway!”
• German pistols, what is this movie’s fascination with Nazis?
• The mirror scene is pretty much what we all imagine might happen one day if our reflection misbehaved
• Lisa’s hair got really dang big
• If the ground eats your cane, maybe let the cane go?
• DEATH BY VAN STORK
• Why is there so much half-eaten food on his bed?
• “Is it dangerous?” “I hope so.”
• “Toot toot, all aboard.”
• If you melt into the ground, only look mildly concerned.
• The melted spinny face
• The little town is genuinely freaky
• Out of nowhere incest innuendo
• Jacob’s leg really gets bad here
• I don’t think you can actually electrocute someone by sticking a cord from an amp in their mouth
• Haha Rusty gets turned into a little kid with a mullet
• Time loops make everything OK!