“There lived an old gollum by the water.”

Justin’s rating: I have dubbed him Pepto-Bilbo on account of his wardrobe colors

Justin’s review: I think there needs to be a term for when a movie so utterly exhausts you that you have no will to see any of its sequels, no matter how important or profitable they may be. Whatever this phenomena is called, it’s the reason why I still haven’t seen Avengers Endgame, The Matrix Revolutions, or any of Peter Jackson’s Hobbit movies after the first one.

In fact, I’d rather sidle up to a filmed play adaptation of JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit that was made for Soviet TV in the mid-80s than subject myself to more of the recent trilogy — and I’m willing to prove it.

Plus, I’m curious about Soviet-era movie production and what kind of creativity could be expressed from a state that cracked down hard on individuality and freedom. Even in such an oppressive environment, imagination couldn’t be fully squelched.

The Hobbit — or as it is formally called, The Fairytale Journey of Mr. Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit — begins with a “Professor” stand-in narrating Tolkien’s classic. And let me tell you, you’ve never experienced The Hobbit until you’ve heard it in its original Russian tongue (with subtitles).

Bilbo himself looks like he should be in a spy thriller as an overweight informant who goes into alcohol-induced liver failure in the middle of his second scene. He’s also tall and huge, which are two adjectives that are often associated with the character. This Bilbo bumps into the goofiest-looking sparkle Gandalf who drags him on adventures in front of some nice but flat backdrops.

I can’t help but wonder about the actual lives of these actors, trapped behind the Iron Curtain and roped into tackling one of the most famous literary works of the 20th century. One hopes that they got an extra slice of bread and thimble-full of vodka for their troubles.

This being a play that just so happened to be filmed means that you shouldn’t expect a lot with cinematography. Every scene takes place on a static — if well-detailed — set as the script zips through the entire plot in just a little over an hour. Gandalf recruits Bilbo for an ill-advised journey across the continent to grab treasure from underneath the nose of a dragon.

One thing that amused me to no end was that, unlike every other film adaptation of Gandalf, this wizard comes across as an impish troublemaker who’s doing all of this for kicks, even if it gets most everyone killed.

What’s going to keep you watching, other than a desire to cram for your Russian language final (I have learned that “Mister Bilbo Baggins” is pronounced “Mister Bilbo Baggins”), is to see how this movie pulls off certain scenes and characters. Sometimes the answer is, “It doesn’t at all because we’re running out of time and those dwarves spent 10 minutes singing about dishes.” Other times, we get half-hearted creations like Gollum (see the top picture in this review), who I thought was supposed to be a goblin at first.

And every so often, we flash over to Grandpa Narrator in a wicker chair trying to smooth over some of the narrative jumps. For my money, he’s far more immersion breaking than building.

While the excised scenes are as baffling as they are regrettable, what really chafes is the amount of time that this film spends on song-and-dance. Yes, Tolkien worked a lot of songs into his book, but this movie is just 71 minutes long and they chose a couple of ballet numbers instead of Bert the Troll or Bilbo’s escapades in the Wood Elves’ hall.

None of this is good, but if you were a Russian kid in ’85, it’s not like you could choose between this and, say, Thundercats. You got Pink Bilbo — and you liked it, by gum! It’s certainly one of the kischier adaptations I’ve ever witnessed, not very good in its time and not aged any better today.

Intermission!

• The way Gandalf laughs and won’t stop laughing makes me want to nod politely and finger-dial 911 without looking
• Bright pink is quite the choice for Bilbo’s wardrobe
• The drum beat when Gandalf says his name
• Magic! Effects! Are! Confusing!
• The happy saloon music when the dwarves show up
• And now the “smash the dishes” song… it’s kinda catchy
• The Misty Mountains song is great in a Russian kind of way
• The cavern set is ridiculously detailed. I like the smoke trickling down.
• Gandalf grins like a lunatic and vanishes without warning
• When you don’t have the budget to show important scenes, just narrate them as a dream flashback
• Did Gandalf just throw a sword and skewer a guy?
• Mental note: Never wear a giant orange hoodie if I’m rocking a full beard
• Cave fish are to be feared, according to Bilbo’s mom
• Gollum’s fangs are so distracting
• THE NONSTOP DRIP NOISES DURING THE CAVE RIDDLE SCENE
• Such lifelike spiders!
• People in Laketown like to dance in slow motion for some reason
• Smaug the Great! Smaug the Fiercesome! Smaug… the Hand Puppet That Gets 15 Seconds of Airtime!