“At this very moment, the Plan Z Rocket with Gammera aboard is starting on its long journey to Mars.”

Justin’s rating: Sadly, he was neither teenage nor ninja, striking out on two of the four coveted demographics

Justin’s review: Due to my well-cultivated apathy toward Japanese kaiju flicks, I am probably the last person you’d want to use as a resource on the Godzilla expanded universe and any inspired ripoffs. Yet in a moment of weakness and turtle affection, I found myself sipping on a ’46 Peachtree Cognac (read: “Lime Bubly”) and partaking of Gammera the Invincible.

Gamera, or “Gammera” if he had enough pocket change for an extra M, was a Godzilla competitor that popped up in the mid-60s as Gamera the Giant Monster. That was repackaged for American audiences with some horrible filler scenes starring English-speaking actors merely talking about the turtle, which is the version I’m covering. In any case, this movie sparked a long-running franchise that continues even into the 2020s. I guess some people can’t function in life if they’re not being fed a steady diet of giant reptiles causing property damage.

A model of an American jet shoots down a model of an unidentified bomber over Alaska, causing the cutest nuclear explosion ever. Out of this snowy crater emerges a giant screeching turtle — GAMMERA! Why there was a turtle hanging out in the snow near an Eskimo village in Alaska is not adequately explained, so I’ll trust that internet fanfic has filled in that gap with a story about an exotic pets trader who was trying to create a new sales route in the north.

Unlike Godzilla, Gammera is a peaceful giant, looking to protect and nurture the planet that he dearly loves. No, wait, he’s exactly like Godzilla: A big rage-monster that breathes fire and has a constant beef with everything in his sightline. The only way that he differentiates himself is a signature spinning fire attack, which is the same move that my eight-year-old uses when he’s pretending to be a Pokémon.

Gammera makes a beeline from the arctic right to Japan, because a relatively small island chain in the Pacific is the only obvious target for its aggression. Meanwhile, the rest of the world thanks the Japanese for taking another hit for the team.

As Gammera begins his ’65 Japan World Tour, a small boy who’s forced to give up his tiny pet turtle gets a major upgrade. It’s death and devastation for everyone else, but it’s Christmas for the turtle-loving kid. He has a bond with Gamerra, who saves his life and presumably makes plans to go to summer camp together.

This unlikely friendship is at odds with Gammera’s tendency to transform into a fiery UFO and blast through buildings, presumably causing casualties in the thousands. You think that kid’s turtle obsession will be of great consolation to all of the families that are grieving lost parents and spouses?

Gammera the Invincible is your classic kaiju movie with a lot of unnecessary padding for American audiences. The kicker is that for all of these western-baiting scenes, this film wasn’t successful enough to get the sequels ported over as theatrical releases, only TV films. Still, don’t feel bad — Gamera got his own enduring fan club that was still churning out new franchise entries as recently as, oh, last year.

Easily the best parts involve all of the model and miniature work. I think I’ve seen far more parodies of kaiju movies than the real deal, so it’s a little surreal to see this played (somewhat) straight. It’s also a lot of fun to, say, see Gamera lay waste to a power plant while the army plinks away with artillery.

Yet it’s also shallow and rote. There’s nothing about this film that’s surprising or that you won’t see coming, just random silliness and a big turtle that’s suffering from uncontrollable heartburn. It’s the kind of thing that most of us would see once just to experience it and then be completely fine putting that shameful chapter behind us.

Intermission!

• The opening narrator practically vomits a torrent of information
• Welcome to the Eskimo village, populated by a bunch of Japanese citizens
• “Susan, we know you marked yourself as ‘no trespassing,’ but you can’t blame a guy for trying!”
• “Buttery claws”?!?
• Some planes have backwards-facing missiles
• Make sure you leave behind all of those Eskimos so they can enjoy that toasty warm nuclear fallout
• They abandon ship so quickly, right into the middle of the arctic. That’ll be fun camping.
• The armed forces discussing “giant turtles” seriously, just another day at the job
• Does this kid love his turtle? Does he? I wish this movie would settle this question!
• The Japanese want the US to nuke their country? And the President doesn’t want to be bothered about it, so he delegates this to a general?
• A freezing bomb sounds awesome
• So Gammera can turn into a UFO for some reason?
• This is the smallest UN ever
• DANCE SCENE