Justin: For those with long memories, the year 2009 was the last time that Mutant Reviewers held what was then a yearly tradition: The Annual Mutant Awards. From 1998 to 2009, we enjoyed thumbing our noses at the Oscars and Golden Globes by doling out hyper-specific awards to some of our favorite cult films, scenes, and actors — as well as the worst and most hated of these.

While the AMA went dormant for a decade-and-a-half, its spirit endured until we were able to resurrect it. Right here. Right now. In the grand year of the future, 2024 A.D.

So take a big swig of a carbonated beverage for the surprised spit-takes to follow, and enjoy this year’s rollout of cult kudos!

Anthony: For your consideration, the Dr Ruth “We don’t need the entire sex scene in details, Zach Snyder, I wanna watch a movie not softcore porn” Memorial Award.

The winner is… The Bikeriders! Jodie Comer — as innuendo a name as you can get — and Austin Butler never even come close to kissing, they just ride a motorcycle (might be a metaphor, who knows) and then she mentions they got married after five weeks. A couple of cuddlings is all we get, and we need no more, as the story is strong enough to avoid relying on getting ’em naked. Well done.

Heather: And now for the award for Raddest Mohawk on a Religious Figure, it’s Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!

My friends unleashed this on me over the summer and I enjoyed it for the campy, low-budget offering it is. It’s fun, despite the terrible audio and film quality. There are a lot of issues with this film, but Father Alban’s hairstyle isn’t one of them. He even has a bike helmet that has been altered so as not to mess up the ‘do. Unfortunately, he is short-lived in the film, but those head spikes will live on in infamy.

Justin: When you think you’ve seen all the “good” ’80s comedies there are and are in mourning, I’m here to drop the award for Best Unknown ’80s Comedy right in your lap. And the winner is… Big Man on Campus!

Seriously, nobody knows about this movie, yet it’s got the full package you’d want out of an ’80s comedy: Lots of laughs, colorful figures, ridiculous situations, memorable quotes, and a feel-good ending. As a plus, it’s also a college film and a remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame!

Drake: Gosh, I’m so nervous! It’s been such a momentous night at the Mutant Awards, especially with [insert actor’s name] having that surprise win for [insert award category]! Can you believe that they beat [insert losing actor’s name]? It’s just wild!

Well, I’m just excited to be here with all you Mutants, and I couldn’t be more excited to announce the winner…or maybe loser…for (squints eyes, reads tiny writing on the envelope)…”Most Unnecessary Mutant Writer?” OK, hold on, here. That doesn’t sound right (peeking inside envelope). Oh, very funny, guys. You’re hilarious. And you could’ve at least spelled my name right. Fine, if you want to play that way…(wades into Mutant throng, snatches envelope from blue tentacle)…Ha! Hope you have a backup award to give out, because this one’s mine, now! And it’s for… “Best Performance by a Stuffed Animal.”

Wow! This is a tough one! After all, we’ve got Sarah’s stolen bear from Labyrinth, Ted from Ted, and of course the Muppets from everything Muppet-related. But the winner is… Oh, my gosh! What an upset! The winner is Con Air Bunny!

That’s right, the bunny toted across the country by Nicolas Cage and famously menaced by John Malkovich will go down in history as the recipient of a prestigious Mutant Award, and I don’t think anyone deserves it more. Starting the film as a wide-eyed bundle of fluff, the Con Air Bunny was crammed into a box, roughly manhandled on several occasions, held at gunpoint and ended the film dirty, disheveled and in serious need of therapy. There are some who compare the travails of the Con Air Bunny to those of the actors in The Abyss, but the bunny came through it like a champ, never once complaining about the hazardous working conditions or the difficult shoot.

Way to go, Con Air Bunny! Never let ‘em put you back in the box!

Sitting Duck: I’m here to present for the Most Terrifying Movie Drill Instructor.

You thought the winner was going to be Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, didn’t you? Well we of the Annual Mutant Awards voting membership don’t go for the obvious candidates. Which is why this brass-plated statuette is being presented to Regimental Sergeant Major Sandy Young (Jack Watson) from The Wild Geese.

We first meet him when Faulkner needs a drill instructor to prep the mercenaries under his command for an upcoming op. Since Young regards his current civvie existence as a living hell, he readily signs on. Young greets the recruits by declaring that he will be running the most hardcore training regimen any of them will hope to never experience again. How hardcore? When one of the trainees collapses in exhaustion during a run and declares he can’t go any further, Young draws his sidearm and fires, missing by mere inches. Our slacker suddenly decides that he’s not that exhausted.

In spite of this harsh demeanor, Young is doing it because he cares, and even sees it through by participating in the op. While R. Lee Ermey tried to convey the same thing with Hartman, he was hindered by a director who regarded the character as a sadistic bully and a target audience that wasn’t receptive to the premise. So we salute you, Sandy Young. May you enjoy your blaze of glory as you shall no longer have to experience the Gehenna that is suburban London.

Thomas: Our final award goes to 1987’s Withnail and I!

A lot of cinematic storytelling is fuelled by the spirit of adventure. We watch so many characters leave the safety of their homes, tumble head first into new environments, meet new people and learn important lessons. But let’s be real… sometimes, the lesson to be learned is “you should’ve stayed home.”

As a bit of a holiday sceptic, sometimes all I want to see is a realistic, cynical depiction of what might happen if you go somewhere. Which is nowhere better depicted than in Withnail and I, in which a pair of unemployed actors escape dreary London to a country cottage, only to find that everything’s awful there too. Cold, wet and tragically sober, Richard E Grant’s Withnail pleads to a passing farmer with the immortal line: “We’ve gone on holiday by mistake!”

Words to live by.

Special thanks to Drake for working up this year’s award graphics! And about 17 other variations because he’s a weird perfectionist.