“Peace, brothers! No more war.”

Drake’s rating: Why do I always end up reviewing Crown International flicks?

Drake’s review: Are you a fan of stilted dialogue, wooden acting and crappy cinematography? Then you, my friend, are the perfect audience for The Hellcats, a late ‘60s biker flick starring none other than Ross Hagen (Action U.S.A.) as an army sergeant who returns home from the war so that he can infiltrate the biker gang that he suspects had something to do with his brother’s death. Note that the gang really had nothing to do with his brother’s death, but Hagen’s gonna go undercover (even though he’s not a cop) and find out who killed his brother (again, not the bikers) if it’s the last thing he does (it’s not)!

The Hellcats was a product of Crown International Pictures, those legendary purveyors of schlock who would be inflicting the psychotic and deranged Bobby upon audiences a decade hence with The Van. Here the hero is a much-more straight-forward sort: clean-cut and forthright, Monte (Hagen) never once terrorizes his girlfriend and threatens to crash his van unless she listens to him.

Instead he shows up at the biker’s clubhouse and instantly bonds with the gang, his winning smile and instant affability warming their drug-dealing hearts. Sure, they stretch him out between two bikes, but that’s just fun and games! It’s a bonding experience and Monte comes through with flying colors, earning himself a date night with Sheila (Sharyn Kinzie), the de facto leader of the gang.

Unsurprisingly, it’s the women who get things done in the Hellcats. While the men swill beer and indulge in biker chain fights*, Sheila is the one who’s setting up the heroin pipeline with the local mobsters. Alas, it was the mob who killed both the Hellcats’ previous leader, who was turning snitch for the cops, and Monte’s brother, who was the cop being snitched to. This results in double-crosses galore, and it’s the swastika-clad, heroin-pushing Hellcats who we’re supposed to be rooting for as they rumble to the rescue after Monte gets captured.

Yeah, no. I don’t think I’ll be doing that.

The Hellcats was co-written and directed by Robert Slatzer, and boy is he a piece of work. A writer and literary critic, Slatzer used his press credentials to meet Marilyn Monroe on the set of Niagra in 1952, where he had a few pictures taken with her. Monroe had pictures taken with thousands of people, but Slatzer took this one encounter and, when he was desperate to sell a book in the early ‘70s, fabricated an entire long-term relationship with the actress, including a fictional two-day marriage. Slatzer turned these imaginings into a pair of highly-sensationalized books about Monroe that were filled with all sorts of fictitious nonsense and conspiracy theories, which were subsequently gobbled up by gullible fans in search of more stories about the starlet.

In essence, Slatzer was an opportunistic stalker of the late actress, using her name and considerable fame for his own crass ends.

As directed by Slatzer, who would also go on to direct the abysmal Bigfoot a few years later, and shot on 16mm short ends, which are partial film rolls left over after a day’s shoot, The Hellcats is as cheap as they come. It was an attempt to cash in on the biker movies that were doing some business on the drive-in circuits of the day, but a poor one at best. There’s little craftsmanship and no energy here, and even B-movie regular Ross Hagen looks like he can’t wait to get off of this flick.

Crown International never went whole hog** on the biker film genre, but did sprinkle a few such flicks into their release schedule in the late ‘60s. Which overall is a good thing, since this movie, as well as The Wild Rebels and The Sidehackers, became Mystery Science Theater 3000 favorites.

And take it from me, that’s the only way to watch them.

*Far less exciting than it sounds.

** Sorry.

Intermission!

• The undercover cop was killed while getting cigarettes from his car. Maybe the sniper was just trying to save him from a future of hacking coughs and emphysema.
• I’m not sure if the bikers are dancing or having seizures.
• And the rapid zoom isn’t helping! I’ll give Gil Hubbs some slack here, though. It was his first gig as director of photography, and in a few years he’d go on to DP Enter the Dragon.
• Another music sequence? This movie ran out of ideas about ten minutes in.
• Everyone in this flick spends 90% of their screen time looking confused.
• We kidnapped Ross Hagen, now what do we do with him? I’ve got it! Sign him to a three-picture deal!
• By all means, end this misery with a fight scene that makes as little sense as anything else in this movie. Slatzer should’ve spent less time making imaginary wedding plans with Marilyn Monroe and more time on this script.