“Never date a woman who pays her rent in singles.”

Justin’s rating: Doggoneit!

Justin’s review: You kind of wonder what it would’ve been like if Chris Farley had lived — would he and David Spade have continued on as a comedic duo in films? Your guess is as good as mine, but I don’t feel too bad for Spade. For a short, weird guy who is best known for being a sarcastic side character, he’s done pretty well for himself in movies and TV since the ’90s.

But a romcom leading man? With that gorgeous lady from Braveheart? That’s so improbable of a situation that I knew I had to see it.

Spade is Dylan, an amoral womanizer who’s also — why not? — a struggling restaurant owner. When he falls for the Sophie Marceau next door and realizes that he’s a 3 against her 9.5, Dylan decides to crack open the book of Implausible Sitcom Scenarios. Page 65, Paragraph 10: “Steal your crush’s dog and ‘help’ her look for it.”

As we’ve all learned from movies and TV, all great and long-lasting relationships are founded by ridiculous deceptions.

Of course, this doesn’t go to plan at all. Lila (Marceau) reconnects with an ex, Dylan ends up struggling with his kidnapped hell-dog, there’s a side plot to secure a much-needed loan for the restaurant, and the dog eats his best friend’s anniversary ring. The dog itself ends up absorbing many additional humiliating moments, including tripping out on chemicals and going on a trip in a dryer.

The problem here is apparent from the very first scene. Heck, the problem is clear from the poster featuring David Spade. Some actors have no business taking certain roles, and you can’t be this snarky condescending man-child who is also asked to be a romantic interest of a girl who’s taller and boasts more muscles than he.

Listen, I like Spade’s snark. It’s what makes him so quotable. And a movie full of slapstick situations with a bunch of characters for him to bounce off of is not a terrible idea. It just shouldn’t have been a romance, and it shouldn’t have hinged on a plot this dumb.

What was surprising was that Sophie Marceau is pretty snarky herself. She manages to wing several funny quips in quiet asides that always caught me off-guard. Jon Lovitz shows up as a “dog whisperer,” to my great delight.

Less surprising is Artie Lange, who steps into Chris Farley’s shoes to fill the “fat idiot best friend” role as he Single White Females David Spade’s character. He just made me miss Farley all the more.

Maybe we can chalk up Lost & Found to Spade’s late-90s attempt to find his niche. Or, more likely, a leap aboard the There’s Something About Mary express train. But it’s really not the worst thing I’ve ever seen and even delivered a few well-earned laughs.

Intermission!

• Don’t date a girl if they don’t like Caddyshack or AC/DC
• “You don’t want to end up like me. Skinny and dumb. Not the way to go.”
• Don’t open your new copy of Victoria’s Secret and start talking to it while you’re out in the open
• Old ladies love to talk about farting
• Don’t play strip poker with elderly hustlers
• If you’re nude, really don’t go spying through windows into the neighbor’s apartment
• “We all know you haven’t been laid since the shuttle explosion, Ray, and that was for the wrong reasons.”
• OK I got a chuckle out of Lila calling Dylan out on his double entendre
• You really can’t hide a ring in an entire house so you have to give it to your best friend to hold?
• WHAT IS UP WITH THAT HAT. TAKE IT OFF. TAKE IT OFF NOW.
• “You don’t need my credit card, I own the place, remember?”
• Wally single white femaling Dylan
• Could’ve done without the dog poop dissection scene
• “I’ll go make the bed!” *slap*
• “How could I say no?” “I’ll coach you.”
• The dog tripping out
• So he’s hiding a dog he’s kidnapped and keeps taking him out in the open… and a supermarket?
• OK the dog in the dryer was pretty funny
• It’s Frankie Muniz in Old Yeller
• Haha keep replaying the doggie death scene
• Ray is a bit of a hugger
• Wally taking all of the old ladies’ clothes
• Martin Sheen showed up for an easy paycheck, eh?
• “It’s Pepe le Puke!”
• OK this Neil Diamond bit is so cringy
• He was doing well until he threw the wife through the table there
• They’d really do a newspaper article about a cello player joining an orchestra
• Ah yes, this was the era where every comedy had to end with the whole cast and crew singing a song