“Freeze the males!”

Justin’s rating: One cow does die in the making of this movie

Justin’s review: The “atomic scourge” has somehow wiped out every single male on an alien planet, leaving only a bunch of loosely dressed women and rocket ships with the problem of how to preserve their way of life. The answer? An interstellar man hunt, baby!

The Ship of Monsters was Mexico’s response to the scifi B-movie craze of the ’50s, giving us a delightful genre blend that wasn’t afraid to get silly. The very notion of a cruise ship snapping up male representatives of various races in the hopes of cross-breeding a new future is goofy, especially when you see some of these amazing outfits.

The two female crewmembers (and their know-it-all robot Tor) abduct a fire cyclops, a brainy Martian prince, a spider-beast, and a skeleton before making an emergency landing on Earth for repairs. There, as might be expected, they bump into an amorous Mexican cowboy who starts making advances on both of them. This is honestly how most Tinder dates went in the ’60s.

As this galactic love triangle takes shape, the monsters escape and enjoy a furlough on our planet. Actually, they not so much “escape” as they are “let loose as a diversion because one of the women is a secret vampire.”

Oh, and did I mention that there are musical numbers? Because categorizing this as scifi, horror, comedy, and western was a little too limiting to these filmmakers.

My private theory is that this movie is solely made of scenes that keep saying to the previous scene, “You think that’s ridiculous? Hold my Mexican beer.”

Easily the best part of this film are the titular monsters themselves. They’re so strange and creepy and decidedly alien, and I really wanted them to form a supergroup that would travel the galaxy on kooky adventures. They readily accept a mission to conquer earth, which does seem quite ambitious for only four dudes, but they give it an honest try.

At best, they kill a cow. I was hoping for more, like “rivers of blood and the smoking crater of Paris,” but a skeletonized cow is the best this movie can offer.

Did I like Ship of Monsters? Sometimes yes, sometimes I was a little bit bored. I suspect this would be a whole lot more fun viewing with friends to drink in the absurdity with you. The subtitles make it a little arduous (as tends to be the case for me, at least), but the costumes and craziness make up for the lulls.

Intermission!

• Lets start our comedy scifi movie on a weirdly serious note about atomic bombs!
• When you’re heading off on an interstellar journey, make sure your hair is perfectly coiffed
• Why’s there a guy on the outside of the ship?
• Oh goodie, a musical number
• Take at least 10 steps away from your ship before determining if there’s breathable atmosphere
• French bear
• Their robot works as a Wikipedia
• Tor the robot makes really annoying noises as he moves
• The monsters are rightfully upset at being abducted
• Tor is a wind-up robot
• “He likes children!” “Raw or cooked?”
• “Chuy! Go see if the pig gave birth!” is the line you use to get the kid out of the room so you can smooch a girl.
• The robot hitting on the jukebox!
• VAMPIRE ATTACK
• The worst crime in the entire galaxy is drinking human blood
• She wants to make a vampire race, that sounds pretty cool
• Skeletonized cows can keep standing up, probably because they have a huge metal frame running through them