“What is this, the Dark Ages? I wouldn’t know, they don’t teach history any more.”

Justin’s rating: Go Winston go!

Justin’s review: It’s 1998 (naturally) and the world is recovering from the TAPEX virus and dealing with the lawless quarantine zones that remain. The roving gangs that come standard in any post-apocalyptic scenario make life hell for the suburbs — and a poor kid named Steve (Devin Hoelscher) whose family finds themselves on the brutal end of a home invasion.

It should be noted that the animalistic gang is led by none other than Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’s Merritt Butrick. The guy who takes a Klingon knife in the gut is supposed to be the big bad here? I don’t buy it. And it’s never clear why this group gets fixated on Steve’s family, but boys do they really have it out for these people.

The meek may inherit the earth, but Steve and his girlfriend Rebecca (Emily Longstreth) are taking the extra step to fight to take it back from these hooligans. To aid in that endeavor, Steve enlists the help of his robot buddy Winston (a flimsy looking remote-controlled bot with a claw) and some MacGuyver gadgets to get the upper hand. Also, he keeps sending Rebecca out to do his dirty work, as he’s mostly confined to a wheelchair following the gang attack.

At one point, he orders her to head out as an undercover hooker… and she goes along without complaint. She’s probably not very thrilled with whatever dating service matched her up with this goober. But what are her other options? Date a normie?

Meanwhile, the movie frequently breaks to show us what’s going on with the gang. It’s not as if they are progressing the story; it’s just to show that they’re CAH-RAY-ZEE and savage and whatnot. You can actually hear the film grind to a halt during these scenes.

Wired to Kill (AKA Booby Trap in some countries) is yet another low-budget movie with aspirations far above what it can feasibly deliver. There are some stabs at some intriguing dystopian world-building here that reminded me of some of the satirical elements of RoboCop, some Mad Max vehicular combat, and a bit of that ’80s love for computers, synth, and robots.

The problem is that this movie is aiming in about six different directions and can’t commit to any single one. You can’t have roving bands of hellscape-bred gangs wielding honest-to-God torches in the same universe as an otherwise normal ’80s suburban scene and trips to Radio Shack. It ends up feeling like there are two or three bad movies from different genres tag-teaming.

If there is one thing that I learned from this movie, it’s that people obsessed with revenge — both on the good and bad side of the law — go to stupid extremes to get relatively minor results. Every idea Steve has takes a long time to set up and then kills only one guy… out of about 50 gang members. Even Winston the robot is a disappointment, a prop that this movie wants you to think is cool but can’t do much other than whirl and roll around.

So why keep watching? Perhaps you, like myself, like to dig out those oddly intriguing nuggets and enjoy them in isolation. Another good reason is if you like your revenge stories laced with booby traps and people who prove that brains can triumph over brawn. I also liked the bubbly synth score that often pops up to make Wired to Kill sound a lot more lively than it actually is.

But maybe there really isn’t a reason to push through this. It’s scattershot, poorly paced, and lacking any good characters from start to finish. I know that I’d never watch it again, so why should you?

Intermission!

• A blaring sax on the soundtrack? It must be an ’80s action flick!
• Steve’s robot keeps breaking glasses with his claw
• In this world, you can use yard sprayers to hose down invaders with caustic chemicals
• Steve’s amazing synth concert and wargames video game
• “You just blew up the whole world!” “Sorry.”
• Laser scanners at the police station
• Eating money proves that you’re an anarchist, I guess
• Grandma gets thwacked with a morning flail?
• So they force her car onto a dump truck, move her to another area, unload her car, let her drive around for a while, herd her in front of another truck, and then finally crash her? That seems elaborate.
• Maybe stop calling “killing people” as “popping” them if you want to be taken seriously as a gang
• Winston is very noticeable… and nobody notices him
• Bright flashlights on a robot scare away gang members
• Props to this guy who’s burning alive and not making a peep
• When your boyfriend tells you to go undercover as a hooker, don’t even question it
• Oh no, he was killed by an overdose of Alka Seltzer tablets!
• If there’s no law enforcement anywhere, why does the gun store owner balk at selling guns without a waiting period?
• “I got him by the balls! Literally!”
• Those are some big bug eyes
• Oh wait, NOW the police show up?