“Are you out of your mind?” “No. Just out of bullets.”

Justin’s rating: Did you know that there was a 1994 sequel that had absolutely nothing to do with this movie? Thanks, ’90s!

Justin’s review: Growing up in the ’80s, I was mostly aware of Russia as a convenient foe in movies and on TV. We knew we weren’t supposed to like Russians, yet we had a respect for them and their unique style, what with all those crazy backwards Cyrillic letters. At least it was an enemy that we could understand, unlike the War on Drugs, and it gave both Rambo and the Wolverines someone to fight.

But what happens when a Russian becomes the hero of your action B-movie? That’s going to require some finesse to pull off in a way that makes us want to cheer him on.

Lundgren is Lt. Nikolai Rachenko, a Soviet Spetsnaz who’s sent on an infiltration mission to take out an African warlord and help turn this fictional country fully communist. Despite his muscles and trendy blond mohawk, it doesn’t go according to plan and he’s left for dead.

From the get-go, there are hints that Rachenko doesn’t like to be manipulated and manhandled by his superiors — a rebellion in the making. When his own side leaves him to be tortured and killed, Rachenko decides that it’s time to try out the other side and kick some Soviet butt for a change. Also, he makes reluctant friends with M. Emmet Walsh’s American journalist so as to learn English swear words and be that much more adorable to us.

Red Scorpion certainly starts on a strong note with a great chase sequence (involving, among other things, tanks, golden oldies, that Hind gunship from Rambo III, and Walsh swearing up a storm). The problem is that the movie downshifts somewhat so he can make good friends and feel conflicted and be tortured and decide that maybe Russia didn’t have everyone’s best interests at heart.

Also, he gets a scorpion tattoo, so you know it’s getting serious.

Over the years, I’ve developed a growing affection for Dolph Lundgren. He’s never the most nuanced actor, but he carries himself well, doesn’t seem like a jerk, and has a nice assortment of decent action movies. He does quiet and stoic well, emoting in small ways while pulling off some pretty impressive stunts (which he did himself, I should emphasize). And he’s never been a pretentious actor trying to gun for an award; he’s simply an entertainer with a whole lot of oily muscles doing what he does best.

By the end, Rachenko goes bananas on evil commies who are gassing natives and burning down their villages. It’s quite the explosive finale, worthy of your patience to get there. It’s here that the movie shifts from being a more pensive First Blood to an all-out First Blood Part II.

Red Scorpion is a surprisingly tasty action movie with great fight scenes, some fun stunt work, and really pretty cinematography (it was shot on location in Africa). Tom Savini also lends his skills to bloodying up some of the scenes.

All in all, this is a cut above a generic action flick and falls about $20 million short of being a Stallone or Schwarzenegger blockbuster.

Intermission!

• “Lloyd Kaufman presents” or “Troma” is always a scary sign
• This dude can take.a punch… and give one back
• I like it when the guy in prison takes a look at him and labels him “King f’ing Kong”
• If you’re in the middle of a military chase scene, blast that toe-tapping oldies
• That truck survives a head-on shot from a tank?
• The giraffe herd galloping in the background of a scene
• Why are you swimming in a full suit?
• I did not expect Rachenko to almost get blown up taking off his pants to go swimming
• I like that he chews gum and blows bubbles
• Don’t approach the bars of a guy who can bench press two of you unless you want to get body slammed into oblivion
• The guy lighting his cigar in the total darkness is a great visually arresting moment
• Brion James! With weird eyebrows!
• If you fail in one mission for the Soviets, you’re stripped of your status and handed over to another nation’s torturers to be executed
• “Take a memo to General Vortek. Subject escape. Message. I am still Spetsnaz.”