“I call it my Canine Home Protection System; C.H.O.M.P.S. for short.”

Justin’s rating: Brought to you by the funkiest score this side of Shaft (can you dig it?)

Justin’s review: While it might be very tempting for us modern enlightened souls in the ’20s to mock the naive ignorance of scifi prognosticators in the ’70s, I have to salute their spirit. Everyone back then had such high hopes and aspirations for computers and robots, and while it certainly didn’t all happen as quickly or in those exact ways, some of what they envisioned wasn’t that far off from the actual future.

Such as robotic dogs. Now, yes, it’s absolutely laughable that an inventor from 1979 kids movie might be able to use that era’s technology to create an artificial canine with what amounts to be superpowers, but the overall concept is something that those zany roboticists are realizing today.

It’s entirely probable that C.H.O.M.P.S. overshot what the future may hold, but undersold what the ’70s could do for witty canine comedy.

In response to a cartoonish crime spree starring two guys in brightly colored ski masks, security systems genius Brian (Wesley Eure) devises a robot dog that’s even better than Krypto. C.H.O.M.P.S. has robotic strength, x-ray vision, super hearing, super speed, an invincible shell, a sound machine (via cassette!), and crime detection — perfect for thwarting mostly incompetent criminals.

But once a rival security firm gets wind of this invention, C.H.O.M.P.S. finds himself the target of a — hold your hat, folks — dognapping! What happens next shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s seen Home Alone, because the town’s only two criminals are going to get thrashed by an unstoppable terminator of a dog.

C.H.O.M.P.S. looks and feels a bit like an unhinged Disney movie, but it’s actually a Hanna-Barbara production, a fact that makes sense when you hear the nonstop “komedy” soundtrack that assaults your ears with a sweaty desperation. It’s a clear attempt to jump on board the whole ’70s dog craze that Benji popularized, just with a scifi twist. With some goofy sound effects, a well-trained little pooch, and some cutting-edge special effects, you too will believe that a dog can push a tree down and sound like a lion!

I’ll give it this: C.H.O.M.P.S. isn’t boring with a whole lot of padding. Scene after scene, something absolutely insane is happening while that dog actor works hard for its dinner. You could close your eyes and easily imagine that this is an old cartoon by how it sounds.

The surreal strangeness that runs through this film is aided by another dog named Monster who is there to walk around and think rude comments that only the audience can hear. I don’t understand why this dog can “talk” but the other animals in this film don’t, so I’m guessing it was a last-minute addition to add more humor — and earn a PG rating.

While this movie is clearly made for kids who lived several decades ago, I got a weird kick out of seeing a karate-kicking, wall-busting super dog frantically run through ’70s suburbia while the soundtrack has a stroke. It didn’t make me laugh (not intentionally, at least), but it is so gosh-dang outré that it has to be seen at least once in order to live a fulfilled life. And you’re going to need that, because this film will also take at least three years off of that life.

Intermission!

• OH YEAH cartoon opening titles with a funky theme song? Bring it on, movie!
• “Hand over that bone, turkey!”
• “Up your poop, granny!”
• Fiance won’t stop arguing with you? A bit of forced kissing will shut that down!
• Casey’s face when Brian twists the dog’s head off
• Rival businessmen like to boast to each other over the phone
• CHOMPS goes ballistic on two guys for… lurking in bushes?
• “100” triggers his karate jump
• Burger King product placement
• Robot dogs know how to operate car crushers without crushing people to death
• “What happened between yesterday and this morning?”
• A good use of a test is to make a dog knock an innocent guy off a ladder