“Give ’em hell, Indiana Jones!”

Justin’s rating: I have not been through many bug caves in my life, and I am not looking forward to finding one

Justin’s review: Believe you me, I love the spirit of defying age and expectations for one more glorious ride into a favorite IP. Yes, sometimes we should let things go, but I get the appeal of taking a victory lap — especially if your star is close to the end of his acting days. If not now, then when?

This brings us to the curious case of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, the fifth and most likely final Indiana Jones big screen adventure. When last we saw Harrison Ford pick up the whip for Crystal Skull, it was 2008 and he was a respectable (if pushing it) 65 years old and Spielberg was still at the helm. That felt like a daunting challenge. Now? Now he’s in his 80s, Spielberg is out, and Disney is pushing this as it milks every other franchise in its domain. That’s not a daunting challenge to climb; that’s an accursed skyscraper coated in WD-40.

Can it be done? Should it be done? Probably not on both counts.

This time around, a continually depressed Indy teams up with his impulsive goddaughter Helena (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) and a youth named Teddy to find Archimedes’ Dial — a device that could possibly allow for time travel. But first they have to piece together the two segments, and that’s going to take some more stamps on the ol’ international passport. Oh, and an ex-Nazi (Mads Mikkelsen) and his cronies are quite hot for the Dial as well, and it seems that they have the CIA’s support.

Indiana Jones is definitely slower and more worn than before, weighed down more by his past and broken relationships than his age. Before you know it, he’s dragged along to Tangier, Athens, and Sicily, trying to find the Dial and clear his name.

So what does this movie have going for it? For starters, that opening sequence felt like real solid classic Indiana Jones, thanks to the World War II setting, a terrific setpiece on a train barreling through a winter storm, and a computer de-aged Ford. It’s one of the best starting sequences in an Indy flick, perhaps second after the original.

Then you have some welcome legacy elements: John Williams’ possible-maybe-final turn at composing, Sellah (John Rhys-Davies) and Marion (Karen Allen) cameos making Harrison Ford look positively robust in comparison, and director James Mangold bringing his considerable talent to bear. On occasion, the lengthy action scenes manage to recreate the thrills and humor of its predecessors — at least until the CGI puppet master starts making the plausible look ridiculous.

I mean, seriously, if there was ever a modern blockbuster where the studio and director should’ve taken a stand against any use of CGI in favor of all practical stunts and effects, it’s this.

It’s also a bit strange how much the bad guys are very murder-happy — except when it comes to Helena, Indy, and Teddy, who all get a pass. They’re never killed when cornered, just “eh take them along with us for vague reasons until they escape again!” That got a bit ridiculous after a while. And while Harrison Ford is nuanced in this role at times, there are a few unfortunate moment where he acts like “angry man yells at clouds” and starts yelling like he’s baffled, old, and hoping to win the argument if he just keeps talking.

I could nitpick a lot of other things about the visuals and goofy plot beats, but I’d rather spend my precious gripe time aimed at the Helena character. Right from the start, she’s an arrogant and selfish character who spends all her time (a) putting Indy in extreme danger for her own needs, (b) insulting Indy, and (c) smirking nonstop. She’s a human-shaped pile of Smug.

I think it’s safe to say that I greatly disliked Helena from her first scene to her last, and that’s something I’ve never thought about any of Indy’s other companions. You don’t toss a new character into a storied franchise and have her put down the lead character in an attempt to make her look amazing. Who is this girl? Who does she think she is? Get out of here with that.

That character aside, Dial of Destiny isn’t a half-bad Indiana Jones flick (it’s not a half-good one, either). There’s a smattering of old-fashioned tomb crawling, some creepy-crawlies, a few jokes that land well, and that iconic John Williams score keeping the film afloat. Your mileage may vary on a lot of it, including a third act that virtually benches Indy and veers into the scifi.

I didn’t hate it — I didn’t really feel much about it at all. It was stuff happening on the screen that elicited no emotional reaction from me whatsoever. It’s an OK way to wrap up the series and perhaps one or two respectable notches above Crystal Skull, yet it’s also a film that I don’t ever think I’ll see again.

Intermission!

• The warning label for this movie included “Contains tobacco depictions” and now I don’t know if I’m ready for this
• Way to use that old school Indiana Jones title font
• John Williams is peppy right out of the gate
• Close call with a bomb in the best of ways
• Wilhelm scream right off the train
• “Tell me, have you ever MET HITLER?”
• The ol’ hat-punch trick
• The AA gun shooting the crap out of the train is so cool
• Indy giving away his trophy to a random stranger
• “You didn’t win the war. Hitler lost it.”
• There’s a whole lot of casual murder… and police horse stealing
• Indy riding the horse through the subway reminds me of Arnold in True Lies riding his horse into a hotel elevator
• “You should’ve stayed in New York.” “You should’ve stayed out of Poland.”
• Don’t bring a whip to a gun fight.
• “See you in the past, Doctor Jones.”
• Three-wheeled cars are quite agile and zippy
• Antonio Banderas is quite welcome as the ship captain
• Indy’s speech about Mutt enlisting is such a gut-punch
• Three minutes!
• Eels: “They look like snakes.” “No they don’t!” that got a chuckle out of me
• Lots of very intact underwater skeletons
• “My friend was just murdered” so yeah maybe don’t laugh
• Indy was shot nine times over the course of his career
• Handcuffed underwater is a nightmarish way to go
• Ancient skeletons with modern wristwatches
• Even Nazis like to cosplay when they do time travel
• “You’re German, Voller, don’t try to be funny.”
• Romans vs. Nazis, like nature intended