“It’s a .50 caliber. They used to use it to hunt buffalo with… up close! It’s only legal in two states. And this isn’t one of them.”

Justin’s rating: Control your urges and find something better

Justin’s review: Despite being an active actor since 1971, Eugene Levy didn’t pop up onto my radar until 1999’s American Pie. And you know how it goes when you finally make an actor connection — I started seeing him everywhere.

Maybe if I had seen Armed and Dangerous back in the ’80s, I would’ve known of Levy, his legendary eyebrows, and his witty mullet ahead of time. And I would’ve also been treated to a stealth Harold Ramis movie starring John Candy and Meg Ryan.

Ex-cop Frank (Candy) and ex-lawyer Norman (Levy) become besties at a security guard firm where they join the ranks of a whole lot of other misfits and screw-ups. Honestly, I don’t think the ’80s ever showed competent people in any profession. It wasn’t allowed by movie law — only misfits and screw-ups who would use their quirky skills to ultimately save the day.

Thanks to their previous work together on SCTV, Candy and Levy gel well enough as a bromance in the making. Frank has better instincts and street smarts, while Norman wields a slightly larger brain. When they’re not insulting each other, they’re watching each other’s backs as they navigate bad bosses, pushy unions, comically bad work environments, the principal from Back to the Future, and a criminal thievery ring that’s been running rings around the security firm.

The only way that these underdogs might end up winning the day is through a combination of sarcasm, sheer persistence, and a willingness to bend the rules and be hooligans. I don’t think I’ve ever seen John Candy be quite this unhinged, and it’s certainly interesting to behold.

Armed and Dangerous was originally written for John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd — kind of a Blues Brothers spiritual sequel — but got delayed after Belushi’s death, recast with Candy and Levy, and ended up disappointing Harold Ramis so much that he lobbied to get his name stricken as executive producer. It subsequently flopped at the box office and that… was that.

But does Armed and Dangerous deserve a second life as a cult film? While I’ve seen people purport to be fans of this flick, it hasn’t really gained a great amount of traction as some sort of undiscovered ’80s gem. And I can see why. It’s got its moments, but the laughs are very uneven and the plot feels like something we saw way too much that decade.

This movie feels saddled with a whole lot of crime solving that unfortunately pushes the comedy aside. I got the sense that this is trying to be a C-list Beverly Hills Cop with all sorts of frantic running and shooting and car chases. I was really hoping for more of a goofballs-vs-the-establishment struggle, but sadly, that’s not what this is.

There are too many misplaced jokes and underutilized talent to dust this off and present it to viewers today as anything other than a useless relic. Even Meg Ryan in a before-she-was-famous role wasn’t enough to keep me entertained. It’s a bit tasteless and boring, which sentences this to the bottom tier of John Candy’s filmography.

Intermission!

• This is the best theme song they could come up with? It sounds like Late Nite FM with Jazzy Pete.
• Maybe don’t bite your lawyer?
• “The police found rugs in his apartment made out of human hair.”
• The union doesn’t like people asking them questions
• When you pull the trigger, the bullets come out very, very fast
• This is a whole lot of undisciplined gun training. I think a bird got knocked out of the sky.
• Make sure you clearly mark your lunch while on the job
• The dog on the guy’s back: “Come on, we’ll pet them.”
• “Ski masks? Come on guys, it’s not that cold tonight.”
• “He let us off with a fine and some very bad breath.”
• “We’re actually guarding garbage.”
• That toxic waste dump is amazing
• “Hey guys, how’s it going?” “Lost two more teeth today.”
• So much exercise spandex
• Sharks don’t like being caught by fishing lines
• *fires a gun into the water at a shark* “NOW THAT’S FISHING!”
• The bad lip reading
• Eugene Levy has quite the chest of hair
• Can someone explain why John Candy dresses up like an aviator for the final act?