“Is it just you three, or is your entire gender mentally deficient?”

Justin’s rating: I can neither confirm nor deny a previous crush that may have existed toward a particular actress on the grounds that it might cause my wife to hit me over the head with a heavy pillow.

Justin’s review: The other day I asked myself an important question. I said, “Justin, are there any good ’90s comedies you still haven’t seen?” And that one query sent me on a multi-day research binge through many forums, reddits, and websites to scoop up suggestions. I wanted to bing on the lighter side of my favorite decade, and I kicked things off with this completely unknown teen comedy.

In Trojan War, Brad (Will Friedle of Boy Meets World fame) is insanely obsessed with cheerleader Brooke (Marley Shelton) while completely overlooking the fact that his best friend Leah is madly in love with him.

One night, Brad gets permission to go all the way with Brooke, as long as he’s able to track down a condom. But he can’t manage to procure one, because he lives in a comedy world without cellphones. So Brad’s going to go on a highly improbable romp around town for the one thing he thinks he needs while ignoring what would be best for him.

This is not only a recycled plot from other movies and sitcoms, but it’s so predictable that my brief description up there is enough for all of us movie veterans to fill in the full hour-and-a-half of plot. And it stars a guy who’s a shallow idiot only interested in shallow idiotic things. As one of his friends says early on, “Dude, you’re very creepy.” Agreed.

What is hardest to swallow is the setup that his best friend — for no believable reason — is a highly intelligent and extremely expressive Jennifer Love Hewitt. It’s impossible to buy that Brad just casually has one of the cutest girls from the ’90s as his loyal platonic partner. He doesn’t deserve her, but the script demands they eventually come together instead of Leah becoming disgusted with this moron, so that’s what we’re going with.

In a way, Trojan War is a prototype of two better movies that came shortly thereafter: Can’t Hardly Wait and American Pie. (Oh, and toss in some License to Drive heritage as well, why not.) It’s got the guy obsessively crushing on an unattainable girl over the course of a wAcKY night from the former, and teenage misconceptions about sex from the latter. This being a PG-13 effort, it’s not going to be that gross or offensive (or revealing, for that matter).

But is it funny and likable? Yeah on both counts. Hewitt is magnetic to watch with her mixture of snark, vulnerability, and those heart-melting smiles. And I got the sense that the movie acknowledges and plays with Brad’s blind obsession, putting him through the wringer until he grows up… somewhat.

Brad’s crucible involves losing his dad’s car (and wallet), an angry dog, a graffiti road trip, a janitor who’s had too much, salsa dancing, a convenience store robbery, and a psychotic bus driver driving THAT bus from Speed (seriously). It honestly feels like karma giving him a good, well-deserved spanking that keeps us entertained from afar. Of course, it all ends at a party where several threads end up coming together.

Toss in some cameos from Anthony Michael Hall, Lee Majors, Danny Trejo, Kathy Griffin, and several other you-know-that-guy actors, and I can see why this might be considered an underrated madcap romcom. It’s a teen sex comedy without actual sex but a whole lot of laughs and gags, and I had a pretty good time in the end.

Intermission!

• This movie was released on only two screens for a single week and earned a total of $309 (against a budget of $15M)
• Girls get to walk in slow-motion with a wind machine on their faces
• Science class hands out free condoms
• “Brad, Brad, she’s a wench.”
• The car/sex talk was a great mislead
• Leah’s got a cool jeep
• If you want to preserve a phone number on your hand, you have to wrap it in a bag while you shower
• “We’ve been best friends since, like, sperm” is not a sentence any teenager would ever say in the history of reality. Also, “I am not so much chattel.”
• “Took me six months to memorize that!”
• A ring on your index finger, guys? Was this a trend that I missed?
• Stop smelling and spitting on my car, man
• That’s the biggest condom display ever
• MOVIEFONE! I remember that!
• “Pop a stress tab, why don’t ya!”
• Best bus scene since Speed. Actually it IS the same bus — #2525!
• Don’t try your one year of Spanish at a Spanish-speaking bar
• Repeated line: “What the hell was that?”
• OK the janitor scene is worth your time
• Using an electric saw to get the bucket off the janitor’s head
• I like his line delivery of “There’s a shocker.”
• That is one huge truck
• “Good doggie.”