“She’s got a laser-proof vest!”

Justin’s rating: Uncle Phil, we’ll follow you anywhere! But why did it have to be here?

Justin’s review: Looking back at the ’80s, people then put way too much pressure on “1999” to be vastly more advanced and astounding than it ended up being. I mean, we got the internet, TRL with Carson Daily, and Phantom Menace, to be sure, but the flying cars, mutant outlaws, and supermodel androids were stuck on back order.

Condor was part of that crowd that put high expectations on what ended up being the Y2K year. This TV movie was fashioned from a series that was never picked up, which is a shame because I would’ve loved to see more of this grand vision of the turn of the century.

Twin Peaks’ Ray Wise is Christopher Proctor, a cop who works for an organization called Condor. Because irony always comes back to bite you in the tuckus, the robot-hating Proctor is partnered up with Lisa Hampton (Wendy Kilbourne), an advanced android. Cue so many scenes where the two bicker and bicker because she says “poh-tay-toe” and he says “poh-tah-toe.”

You see, this is why I never joined futuristic police forces — I’d be paired up with a wacky opposite and have to squabble with him/her/it/your royal highness as we solved cases together. I don’t need that kind of stress.

The two of them will have to work out their differences quickly, because crime’s afoot! The Black Widow (Carolyn Seymour, Congo) threatens to hold Los Angeles hostage with advanced military hardware and a surprisingly well-coordinated gang.

There’s a lot going for Condor despite its not getting the series greenlight. For starters, it really goes all-in on the world-building of this alternate cyberpunk 1999. Outfits, vehicles, tech, and (especially) robots are packed into these 72 minutes as if the budget was no object. And speaking of that runtime, this is a snappy story that starts with a prison break and quickly escalates from there.

Yet don’t mistake this for high art; Condor slums with every cop movie trope it can find and then some. Wise’s Proctor is the amalgamation of all of those stuck-in-the-past, lone wolf, emotions-before-brains street detectives that litter the genre. He comes off as extra unhinged next to Hampton, who’s tough, smart, and willing to poke back against any sexist or anti-robot sentiment on her new partner’s behalf.

And oh my goodness, Kilbourne is an absolute stunner. If geeky younger Justin had watched this back in the mid-1980s, I may have never recovered from that crush. Her android is far more emotional and nuanced than, say, Star Trek TNG’s Data, although she does share his penchant for breaking out into dictionary mode from time to time.

I get what they were going for with the Proctor-Hampton relationship, but this movie can never find the right balance and is all over the place with it. Within the same scene, Proctor might insult her robotic makeup, show attraction to her, be snidely sexist, and manhandle her. There’s also way too much pointless arm wrestling as a form of flirtation/dominance.

You know what really impressed me? There are a lot of really good premonitions about future developments that actually ended up happening, like mobile app food ordering, video chat, self-driving cars, and killer drones. Oh, and certain people being fondly nostalgic for the past.

Boorish behavior and ridiculous three-wheeled buggies aside, Condor felt like a concentrated dose of everything that made ’80s action TV amazing. It goes full throttle from start to finish, a vision of a Knight Rider-like series that never was but should’ve been. Just, y’know, with less sexism.

Intermission!

• Those sick beats of the opening song, it’s all I ever wanted
• It’s the Ghostbuster PKG meter!
• Prisons had laser barriers in 1999
• I mean, the super-baggy clothes were pretty spot-on if you remember JNCO jeans
• That’s a pretty dorky jetpack
• Monorails are pretty futuristic
• Ordering food and paying from an app (in this case, a car console) is another nice premonition come true. Also, self-driving cars.
• Pirate Pete’s has buxom robot servers
• Garbage cans that zap your trash
• It’s Uncle Phil/Shredder actor James Avery!
• Future vans require you to enter and exit through windows
• Lisa challenging Christopher to arm wrestling
• Android with a bacteria brain?
• “24 hours? You never mentioned that.” “You never mentioned you were a computer in drag.”
• The South American War happened in this universe
• Androids can self-repair
• Holographic projectors doing Wagner
• “Don’t you underestimate our computer.” OK there nerd.
• Police drones! That’s forward-thinking.
• Those are nice chunky 3D computer graphics
• The world only has one password. You know, to the important stuff.
• That is one huge setting display on the rifle. Also, if you had your rifle on stun, why not stun them all instead of making them freeze and raise their hands?
• Uncle Phil blasting a lock with a laser pistol is the nadir of this movie’s action
• Three-wheeled buggies look very unstable
• This is some weird last-minute flirting