“Do your interrogations always end up like this, or are you just trying to impress me?”

Justin’s rating: I don’t know what the driving laws are in Europe, but I think this movie broke all of them

Justin’s review: Yes, you frat boys are all aware that there’s this somewhat popular crime-meets-cars franchise called The Fast and the Furious. Some of you have sacrificed your loved ones on a fiery altar to that series while ironically screaming, “FAMILY!” But have you ever paused in your drooling, slavering subservience to Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson to indulge in a similar long-running series that just so happens to be 100% high-octane French?

Oh that’s right, we’re going to put the pedal to the metal with 1998’s Taxi — the first of five movies all about fast cars that have a really hard time keeping their wheels on the road, if the posters are any indication. Taxi was cranked out in the writer’s room by The Fifth Element’s Luc Besson, and it quickly became one of the most fantastic French film franchises (say that without spraying people with spittle) of all time.

(And no, this isn’t the awful Queen Latifah/Jimmy Fallon remake, so if that’s what you hoped to discover here, kindly show yourself out and then into a nest of honey badgers.)

Pizza delivery driver Daniel (Samy Naceri) finally gets to trade up his scooter for a taxi cab, which is all the better to meet his insanely talented skills behind the wheel. And that talent is about to be tested to the utmost. Driving impaired police inspector Émilien (Frédéric Diefenthal) needs Daniel to help ferry him around to thwart some bank robbers, and that’s all the legal fiction our hero needs to go super duper fast and break every traffic law on the books.

Will he prevail without wrecking his shocks? Will he impress his long-suffering girlfriend who happens to be The Dark Knight Rise’s Marion Cotillard? Will Daniel and Émilien forge the most amazing bromance of the ’90s?

Right from the get-go, it’s obvious that Taxi doesn’t ask us to take any of its world seriously. There are hundreds of stunt scooters doing parades, a transforming taxi cab, gung ho snipers, an over-the-top street shootout where nobody gets hurt, a firefight where Daniel keeps picking up his partner and moving him around, and a German policewoman who goes into action wearing the tightest, shortest skirt possible for manufacture.

Everything here is very much tongue in cheek, especially Daniel and his cavalier attitude toward everything except his cars. Oh, he’s deadly serious about his ride, and he knows his stuff. In a way, the movie parallels Daniel’s automotive obsession — it’s slightly goofy until it’s time to ride and ride hard. Then it’s tight stunts and zippy driving across the city landscape with no CGI fakery.

As for Émilien, he may be a complete loser in many respects, but his desire to prove himself prompts a lot of on-his-feet inspirations. He seems to be the only cop really thinking, and once he pairs up with Daniel to cover his weaknesses, Émilien starts to thrive.

But it was the car chases — set to an energetic soundtrack — that sealed the deal. Every time Daniel swapped out his steering wheel for a racing one, I got a mad grin on my face in anticipation of the crazy speed to come.

Between the goofy partnership of these two doofuses and the amazing chase sequences, Taxi earned my attention and then some. I was laughing pretty hard even with the subtitle barrier with the bantering and ridiculous situations (which, happily, don’t descend into outright Pink Panther-style slapstick).

Intermission!

• Scooters driven recklessly spark a whole lot
• French pizza companies put on an insane parade for retirees
• “We prepared the terrain well, now it’s time to build on it.”
• “Hey girlies! Still wearing that mustache?”
• Well, that’s one way to fail a driving test.
• Working at the police is a mixture of a circus, zoo, and CIA
• The taxi cab TRANSFORMS?!
• The g-forces in the backseat
• Maybe stop staring at her breasts?
• You know you’re on the loser team when your code name is “Grass Snake”
• Way to get out of the car there man
• Save the dog!
• “Grass Snake here, we had a small problem with the door…”
• That’s a whooooole lot of tupperware meals
• “Pigs don’t like changes, they’re always feeding in the same places.”
• “Profession, should I write ‘crazy taxi driver’ or ‘roadhog?'”
• Daniel is a tad bit of a car savant
• Sleeping in the trunk of the car so a taxi can run two drivers
• Don’t hide in the trunk of a car when the robbers are buying new tires to put in said trunk
• “Let’s be pals, that’ll make life easier.”
• Daniel moving Émilien around during the firefight
• “You’re playing with Smurfs now?”
• Mom guilt is a powerful force
• “If you’re not back in two hours I’ll burn grandma.”
• Daniel taking the time to tick off the bad guys by betting on a race with them
• Knocking a lady’s door down and forcibly kissing her is a 50/50 proposition
• The rollout of the cops vs pizza delivery drivers
• The Germans who get stuck on a segment of unfinished bridge