“I don’t speak English — I’m a bloody Australian.”

Justin’s rating: I mean, could the makers of this movie sue Apple? Should they have?

Justin’s review: I can’t blame Paul Hogan for making a run at a wider movie career than merely Crocodile Dundee. But in my opinion, he dithered around too much and didn’t end up landing any movies that would prove he was more than a one-note actor.

Maybe Lightning Jack was his best hope of that follow-up. I mean, it makes sense: Australians had a natural tie to the western film genre, it came out during the brief revival of westerns in the ’90s, and it played to his strengths as a comedy actor with a smidge of physicality. Plus, this snagged Cuba Gooding Jr. during his own hot streak.

On loan from Down Under, Lightning Jack Kane (Hogan) is the nicest, fastest gunslinger in the west. He joins up with bank robbery gangs mostly for the publicity, hoping to become a famous figure, but he’s on a bad string of luck.

During a solo job, he ends up taking a mute named Ben (Gooding Jr.) hostage, but since Ben takes a liking to him, the two end up forging a mentor/mentee relationship as Kane trains Ben to become an ace robber. Also Beverly D’Angelo is here as Jack’s girlfriend and zzzzz…

There’s no argument that Paul Hogan is as likable as can be. He’s got an easygoing charisma that worked well in the role of a sly Outback guide, but he seems a lot more lost in this role where very little plays to his comedic strengths. In fact, I’d be hesitant calling this a “comedy” at all. It’s not at all quotable — especially when 50% of your leads don’t talk — and the gags are more tired than your dad’s favorite bad jokes told for the hundredth time.

I didn’t laugh at all. I didn’t even smile. This movie hopes you’ll find Cuba Gooding Jr.’s aghast mugging at the prospect of sucking snake venom from Hogan’s butt or Lightning Jack’s need for glasses to read the height of hilarity. For the most part, however, too many scenes go by without even an attempt of a joke.

What’s left is a rather bland western that keeps reusing the same town sets and making me rue the decision to tackle this. It made me think back to when I’d get so bored and hungry in school that I filled up time chewing on a wad of paper. Not very nutritious, not that productive, but it was something to run out the clock.

Intermission!

• Oh no, all the extras are walking off the set!
• And the black guy died first
• All the people who keep coming in during the robbery and Jack’s exasperated looks
• Snake charms don’t work very well
• Arizona Chicken = vulture