I wouldn’t say what I do is criticism. What I think doing is basically talking about how movies make me feel. Do I enjoy it, does it enhance my life, does it give me something to think about, etc.? When you criticize something, it implies that you think something should have been done differently, yet anybody who has worked on any kind of creative project understands that at a certain point those projects take on a life of their own. Whatever you or anybody else creates it will never be perfect. Perfection is overrated anyway. It’s just, sometimes I feel like there are missed opportunities.

All that being said I want to talk about the three John Carpenter movies that left me with a feeling of disappointment.

The Fog: The Fog is absolutely number one on this list. It is a genuinely creepy movie with some truly spooky scenes. What’s more, we are totally unaware of what’s going and were pulled into the mystery along with the characters in the movie. The Fog has everything going for it… until it doesn’t. So spoilers, the movie is about ghosts who want their gold back along with a little bit of revenge. It’s okay but could’ve been more. I feel like if they had done some kind of Cthulhu-esk ancient sea creature who from time to time messes with the town. It could’ve been a little better is my point. Neither one of the two endings really work all that well and it kind of just feels like it’s over. This one is the top of my list because this movie had the most potential to be as epic as The Thing.

They Live: This movie could’ve been awesome in so many ways. It’s incredibly iconic and truly represents John Carpenter’s style, yet it never really gets going. The basic story is aliens are here, and they’re messing with us for some reason. They don’t really do much other than just kind of operate behind the scenes. Seriously, what the f**k are they doing?! Why are they doing it?! It is okay if we don’t know these things but, in the end, just left me unsatisfied.

Imagine if you’re sitting at home one night and without any warning whatsoever a kangaroo and a clown burst through your front door, fighting each other with deadly intent and you can’t really tell who’s winning. You and your family are terrified as they trash your entire house then fly out the back door into the night. To make matters worse you never get any answers as to where they came from, why they were fighting, or where did they go. You’re just left with that spectacle of that memory. That is They Live.

Escape from L.A.: What can I possibly say about this? It really does have everything you think it should have, weird Los Angeles type stuff, gangs, earthquakes, and surfing. Yeah, it probably could’ve done without surfing. But seriously, think about it for a second, if you were going to do the movie as it is wouldn’t it basically have all the same stuff that it already has? To make matters worse, it has a really good cast who do a fine job with the material. The real problem with this movie is that it’s the same movie as Escape From New York. Which brings us full circle as to, “what would you do differently?”

There’s no way that you’re ever going to get me to say anything bad about John Carpenter. He has directed several of favorite films. It isn’t just me either, The Thing is consistently on lists of the best sci-fi horror films ever made. Just think that movie is coming up on a half-century old at this point. That’s how good it is! I would like to see some behind-the-scenes footage of the studio executives backing a dump truck full of cash up to John Carpenter’s door asking him to direct this movie. It’s like the final seasons of Lost. They just ran out of steam.

Put all my complaining aside, heat up a bunch of popcorn, grab some friends and booze, then sit back and watch his movies in order. It will be an awesome night I guarantee it.