“I think it’s time I start paying back this country for some of the good things it’s given me.”

Justin’s rating: Someone took out this movie’s funny bone

Justin’s review: If Parts: The Clonus Horror is remembered today, it’s usually for one of two external factors: a rather well-liked MST3K episode featuring the movie or a lawsuit against the makers of 2005’s The Island for stealing its whole plot (which was subsequently settled before it went to court). But the question I wanted to answer for myself today was if Parts as a medical thriller is worthy of viewing solely in its own context.

I mean, who hasn’t dreamed of the day when they’d get to open up their very own cloning compound to farm humans for their organs? I’ve been trying to get mine going in the garage, but so far all of my clones are surly and sit there hunched watching Fox’s Animation Domination. If I meekly ask them for a particular organ, they’ll cut it out of themselves and then shove it into an office shredder while looking at me in spite. It’s not going well.

The Clonus corporation is faring somewhat better in this movie, what with an expansive and lush isolated compound full of young kids advertising the crud out of Adidas trackwear. The lobotomized child-minded clones are put through endless physical conditioning as if it’s all fun and games — which it is, of course, until they get called to donate a good chunk of their innards to a rich goon somewhere.

For some reason, this immoral corporation has two clones that they haven’t diddled their minds and thus remain normally intelligent. The guy, a hairy geek named Richard, meets and falls in love with his counterpart, Lena. He then goes on the run one day and finds himself in normal society where they don’t carve you up for spare parts. Unless you’ve got a really terrible health plan or live in the Ozarks, but that’s just common sense.

The key problem as I see it is that Parts completely reveals the “mystery” that the main characters are trying to figure out from the first few minutes. We already know about 90% of what’s going on, which makes the subsequent hour-and-a-half more of an exercise in patience while we wait for our principles to catch up. Then again, maybe knowing the truth of the clones’ horrid situation ratchets up the tension as we hope they make it out with all of their limbs — and organs — intact.

If you like conspiracy-minded movies with bummer endings, there was no better decade to get your cinematic depression than the ’70s. Not one movie in 10 had a happy ending. Rumor is that even Star Wars originally concluded with Chewbacca ripping off the arms of a yeoman during the award ceremony. So don’t act surprised when things go south here.

Unfortunately, between the interesting opening portion in the Clonus compound and the shocking conclusion, this movie gets bogged down in the “real” world with a lot of philosophical talk about cloning and politics and making a devil’s bargain to live forever. This was begging to be a chase movie, but I suppose those conversation pits made audiences expect lengthy chat sessions in their film entertainment.

There aren’t a lot of occasions where I would be caught saying, “I’d rather be watching the Michael Bay adaptation,” but that’s the case here. This is a little too old, too creaky, and too full of Peter Graves wearing plaid.

Intermission!

• Frozen bodies in bags like to whisper a lot
• I’d vote for Peter Graves for president
• “Never mind, put your helmet on” is what I tell my kids whenever they ask me to explain anything
• Watching kids with those ear tags in 2024 make me think they’re wearing air pods
• “I’ve… grown accustomed to you. I like having you touch me.”
• He’s way too excited to count backwards from 100
• That guy’s death is pretty horrific
• The question booth — er, “Confessional”
• “What must be must be.”
• “Unanswered questions have to be answered.”
• If you get shot in the shoulder, your arm is immediately usable, especially for climbing
• The word “clone” was pretty unfamiliar in the ’70s
• The newspaper reporter has a really dapper hat
• Stop showing us your ugly matching birthmarks!
• “Clones are not human, they’re things!”
• We’re just killing everyone now, aren’t we?