“No plan. Just bigger guns.”

Justin’s rating: This would be an easy cosplay outfit if anyone would recognize you

Justin’s review: I can’t be the only geek who had no idea who Dylan Dog was. My first thought when seeing the poster wasn’t, “Oh boy, they made those comics into a movie!” so much as “I’m glad to see Brandon Routh getting some solid work.”

But upon some light research (read: I went to Wikipedia once), I was educated as to the fact that this movie was drawn from a long-running Italian horror comic series that spans all the way back to 1986. I also had the delightful shock to discover that Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is the second movie adapted from this material — 1994’s Cemetery Man was actually considered the first. My ignorance and shame know no bounds.

In any case, this 2010 adaptation got quickly bulldozed at the box office and disowned by fans of the comic. But that’s not going to stop me from watching a movie about a P.I. who investigates the supernatural, is it?

Dylan Dog (Routh) is a hunky detective with eyebrows of steel who gets reluctantly dragged back into his former role of monster hunter when his lackey Marcus (Sam Huntington) is murdered by an absolute unit of a werewolf. And where there are werewolves, you know that there’s going to be vampires, because these frenemies can never go anywhere without each other. And why not throw in some zombies as well?

And speaking of the undead, Dylan’s former assistant comes back as a helpful zombie, which may be the only spark of imagination that this movie shows. The two of them and a generic love interest putter around New Orleans to stir the pot until the true reason behind the murders is revealed.

As they do that, we get treated to this secret world. While this roster of monsters have been seen many times before, it’s admittedly fun to witness them in their natural habitat. Werewolves work in a meat-packing plant, for example. Zombies in morgues and “body shops.” Vampires love a good rave.

Dylan Dog has a pretty good hand of cards that could’ve been spun into something truly worthwhile. The atmospheric New Orleans setting and monster detecting made me instantly think of the amazing Gabriel Knight adventure game from the ’90s, and Dylan as a world-weary, supernatural-savvy antihero puts him in the same category of Constantine.

But boy does this movie fail to strike the right tone that it needs. For starters, it’s a horror-themed neo-noir that tried to soft-pedal those elements to get a PG-13 rating, so you know nothing’s going to be actually scary or graphic here.

What’s worse, however, are the abundance of familiar noir tropes that are rushed and fumbled. Routh’s unconvincing voice-over narration is a prime example of how off-center all of this ends up being. I lost track of how many times he monotoned how there really are monsters in the world living among us, and I’m like, “Duh, I’ve seen Buffy. That’s not quite as shocking as you may think it is.”

I couldn’t take it seriously for what it was trying to present itself to be. Routh certainly looks the part but it’s clear his heart isn’t in it. He mumbles through explanations and looks haunted that Superman never came calling for a sequel. I like the guy, and it’s nice to see him and Huntington team up again, but Routh isn’t right for the part of a grizzled, disenfranchised former monster hunter.

Dylan Dog is neither excellent nor terrible. If its genres — monsters, supernatural investigations, film noir, black comedy — check any boxes for you, then you might have an OK time, especially once you get past the awkward first half-hour or so. But with a better fit for a lead and an R-rating, it could’ve had a true bite.

Intermission!

• Loving the high music energy of this opening
• Blood dripping from your ceiling is never a good sign
• Oh no this voice over narration is not good
• Don’t cock your gun too early
• “Calm down, big baby, it’s not broken.”
• Playing a clarinet is an interesting character trait
• “Can I help you?” “No, that’s what I do.”
•  Vampire blood makes for an interesting drug
• Werewolves like to hang out in trees and work in meat packing plants
• “I stayed away. It’s your world that came calling.”
• The zombie body shop is pretty cool
• You don’t get refunds at zombie body shops
• 20 year time-out for bad vampires
• The zombie beauty regimen and the zombie buffet
• “I look like a dead hooker!”
• Vampire coffins come equipped with entertainment systems
• “Not hot dogs! Not hot dogs!”
• Zombie support group
• And now for your mid-movie exposition slide show (yawn)