“The guy on TV’s an idiot.”

Drake’s rating: Auntie Em! It’s a twister!

Drake’s review: Admittedly, I did complain in Merry Friggin’ Christmas about mixing genres in movies, and yet here I am reviewing a holiday disaster flick. But I will defend myself with two words: Christmas Twister. I mean, c’mon, do you really expect me to come across this movie and then not watch it? With visions of holiday tornadoes dancing in my head?

Granted, this is not a very good movie. One might even say it’s kind of bad. And I have to say my confidence was shaken right off the bat, as I encountered the opening credit sequence. Here, take a look for yourself:

Yes, you’re reading it right. That definitely says “Christams Twister.” And no, I did not indulge in a bit of PhotoShop tomfoolery. That is seriously the title credit for Christmas Twister. It’s kind of hard to have much faith in a movie that can’t even spell its own name right.

Still, Christmas Twister could be worse. The general premise is that tornadoes are menacing a Texas community during the holidays. Which, yes, you could well infer from the title. Well, the correct title, at least. But these tornadoes are the result of climate change, with the warming weather conditions causing ever more dangerous twisters. Our hero, Ethan Walker (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder and also Starship Troopers: Traitors of Mars) is a meteorologist who recognizes the worsening conditions and asks his wife Addison (Victoria Pratt, House of the Dead 2 and holy crap, they made a sequel?!), who is a television anchorperson, to warn the general public.

Addison wants to help, of course, since her husband is not only a brilliant scientist but also the handsomest man in the Lone Star State. Seriously, Ethan’s hair is perfect, even in high-wind conditions. But the Evil News Producer and her sniveling sidekick, TV Weather Guy, put the kibosh on Addison’s plan to let everyone know that deadly masses of swirling air are headed their way because (Gasp!) Ethan was wrong about a weather event one time.

They also refuse to believe in climate science, which is actually the most realistic part of the movie.

But regardless of the local blackout regarding Christmas twisters, those pesky tornadoes show up anyway, in all their CGI glory. CGI winds turn over CGI cars, CGI fires break out and CGI glass cracks. Because cracking a pane of glass as a practical effect is evidently a lost art. And in the midst of all of this CGI mayhem, Ethan must rescue his and Addison’s son and daughter before the twister can play Wizard of Oz with them, with nary a stray hair blowing out of place.

Again, this is not a good movie, but on the other hand, it could certainly be much worse. The fact that it isn’t is a credit to the actors taking the material seriously. There are no Sharknado tongue-in-cheek moments here, and Van Dien in particular plays the movie straight, puts it on his shoulders and lifts it above your average straight-to-video disaster movie release. Just a tad above, but still, he puts in the effort.

Christmas Twister reminds me of nothing so much as an old ABC Movie of the Week from the early ‘70s. The cast has a few “Hey, that guy” moments, the effects were made on the cheap, and the runtime is fairly brisk. But that’s OK. It’s not aspiring to be anything better, and it keeps the cast pared down to a few key characters and sets rather than attempting to make the film look bigger than it is. You’re not going to find a holiday classic here, but if you want to watch Johnny Rico battle computer-generated twisters in a small town Texas that looks suspiciously like sunny Southern California, then you’ve come to the right place.

Intermission!

• Writer Hanz Wasserburger has written a good half-dozen or so Christmas TV movies. As far as I can tell, this is the only one with tornadoes.
• Keep an eye out for Steven Williams of 21 Jump Street and Jason Goes to Hell fame.
• Victoria Pratt also starred in the Mutant X TV series as Shalimar Fox, which is a ridiculously good character name.
• Speaking of cool character names, Casper Van Dien was recently in a new version of The Most Dangerous Game as Baron von Wolf. It also stars Judd Nelson, Tom Berenger and Bruce Dern and how have I not seen this yet?