“The tip of this arrow explodes three seconds after penetration.”

Drake’s rating: Needed more toilet snakes

Drake’s review: Andy Sidaris had quite the career. He was the first director for ABC’s Wide World of Sports, won an Emmy for his coverage of the 1968 Olympics, and was well-known for pointing the camera towards cheerleaders and female fans in the stands during sports events. That last bit is unsurprising when you also realize that, in 1985, after directing a spate of low-budget movies and a few television episodes, Sidaris embraced his inner 13-year-old and launched what would eventually come to be known as the “L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies” series of movies. Sporting titles such as Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, and Savage Beach, these movies featured Playboy Playmates wielding a variety of firearms as they fought international criminal masterminds in service of The Agency, a government operation shrouded in secrecy.

Now granted, these movies were low-budget affairs, relying primarily on beautiful women running around in bikinis against tropical backdrops in exotic locales. Things like plot, dialogue, and general narrative cohesion were often relegated to the backseat or, at times, just left in the trunk and completely forgotten. Still, Sidaris’ films had a certain joyful exuberance to them which could be infectious. They were cheap and just a bit trashy, but were otherwise fairly harmless kitsch.

By the mid-90s, though, the formula had run dry. While the earlier Sidaris movies had at least the potential to be entertaining diversions, Enemy Gold is just bad. While a case can be made that this is not a true Sidaris movie, as he merely produces while his son Drew directs, make no mistake: This is a Sidaris flick through and through. All the elements are here, including a lovely blonde agent named Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson), her beefcake partners Chris Cannon and Mark Austin (Bruce Penhall and Mark Barriere, respectively), Santiago the drug dealer (Rodrigo Obergon) and his hired assassin Jewel Panther (Julie Strain). And if the character names alone don’t tell you what kind of movie this is, then you find out quickly when Becky meets up with the Beefcake Bros and immediately changes from her tube dress into cutoffs and a sports bra, all while the camera happily follows along.

And again, it’s a Sidaris movie. This is why they existed in the first place, and packed the shelves of video rental stores for years. Unfortunately, that’s all Enemy Gold has to offer, as this is such a low-budget affair that even the occasional explosions looks tired and sad. As does the cast. Suzi Simpson tries to bring a spark to the proceedings and summon up some of the Dona Speir/Hope Marie Carlton energy of the earlier features, but everyone else is just going through the motions, reading their lines and then cashing their checks at the end of the day.

If you want a quick rundown of the plot, I’ll give it a shot. Some Civil War reenactors bury stolen gold and then 130 years go by and Becky, Mark and Chris go hot tubbing and The Agency fires them because Suit Guy (and these guys are always trouble in a Sidaris flick) goes rogue and is working with the horribly stereotypical drug dealer who lost a whole shipment when our trio of good guys busted his operation and now he wants revenge so he brings in Jewel Panther to kill them and she wears a leopard-print bikini with knee-high leather boots but then changes into a peekaboo leather outfit (but keeps the boots) and plays with a sword by a campfire and then there’s a showdown and the bad guys are killed when their helicopter is blown up by a crossbow and everyone goes back to the hot tub. The End.

Oh, and Chris Cannon is introduced wearing a leather vest but no shirt, which seems like it would be uncomfortably sticky in humid climes.

Look, my Mutant Contract forces me to watch these films so you don’t have to, and I’m emphasizing that with this film. It’s a low-energy affair with all of the T&A but none of the cheesy charm of the early Sidaris flicks. There’s absolutely no reason to be digging around for Enemy Gold when you could be getting a Hard Ticket to Hawaii and delighting in skateboard assassins and toxic toilet snakes.

Intermission!

• That’s not an arrow, it’s a bolt. Know your weapons, Chris.
• Men loading guns. Big guns. A Sidaris cinematic staple.
• Fun fact: Julie Strain was married to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles creator Kevin Eastman.
• Becky uses her feminine-type wiles to distract them thar country boys.
• Firefight at the farm! Which would have been a good alternate title for this movie.
• Might just be me, but I’d take cover during a firefight. But I don’t have plot armor.
• Uh-oh! Men in suits! Never a good sign in a Sidaris movie. They’re all kinds of trouble. If they’re not wearing cut-offs, crop tops or leather vests, they’re trouble.
• Aaaand… Suit Guy is in league with Santiago. Who’da thunk it? Told you suit guys were trouble.
• He also has bad hair, a criminal offense in the Sidarisverse.
• The acting is bad. B-A-D. Stilted delivery combined with leaden dialogue and…never mind, they’re naked again.
• Aaaand…another shower scene. This is the cleanest cast in movies.
• Oh, good grief! They can’t even run convincingly!