“He told them I was valiant, and that became my name.”

Justin’s rating: I want to know how Merlin died. Dude was a legend.

Justin’s review: Back when I was part of a family that actually subscribed to a Sunday morning newspaper — and back when we knew what “newspapers” were — you best believe that my brothers and I fought like mongrels over who got the comics section first. And whoever got it would milk his reading of the funnies for as long as possible, which is the only scenario that I can envision where someone would voluntarily read Prince Valiant.

This strip, man. This strip was like someone from 1940 decided to send a rather dull King Arthur-ish story ahead in time for the sole purpose of wasting valuable comics page space. We didn’t care about it, I can tell you that. The lead character’s foppish hairstyle wasn’t doing any favors, nor was the ancient art style. But I guess it impressed someone, somewhere, because in 1997, they decided to make a movie of it.

A flop of a movie that — like the comic strip — nobody voluntarily watched.

When King Arthur’s sole excuse to rule, his sword Excalibur, is stolen by the evil Morgan le Fay (Joanna Lumley) and a bunch of Vikings, you’d think that it would be Game Over for the good guys. But hilariously, the Vikings sail back home and promptly drop Excalibur point-down into the stone of their castle where it gets staunchly stuck. According to legend, it needs a proper king to draw it. And le Fay’s magic mirror, which comes standard with all evil sorcerers’ kits, shows them that an an up-jumped squire named Valiant (Stephen Moyer) is the only guy to do it.

So they sail all the way back to try to kidnap Valiant. But he’s busy, as he’s posing as his boss Sir Gawain and escorting the Princess Ilene (Katherine Heigl) on a trip home to her father’s castle in Wales. Ilene is pretty taken with Valiant, hoping that he might be her smoochie partner and train her to be a female knight in her own right.

In addition to macking on Ilene and thwarting Viking ambushes, Valiant must also help to redirect England’s war effort away from the Scots (who Arthur thinks stole Excalibur), enlist the help of Wales, head to the Viking homeland, and generally figure out this whole “knight” thing along the way.

I think this is what charmed me most about Prince Valiant, as it’s an unapologetic fan of the romantic notion of knighthood. Valiant may not automatically be the best fighter or most powerful person in the room, but his unwavering devotion to doing the right thing and living up to the code of chivalry makes him admirable. Plus, he’s a pretty nice guy who’s packing a tiny crossbow in his armor (no, that’s not a metaphor) and doesn’t back down from a good fight. Nor from a flying alligator, but that comes later.

Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork II) brings some fun, Sam Raimi-lite flair to the affair, but allegedly he lost control over the project when a group of German editors swooped in over a weekend, cut up the film, and released it as that. This $20M sword-and-sorcery flick bombed incredibly hard, but maybe it wasn’t the right time for an old-fashioned Arthurian tale. I like that it doesn’t go the “gritty reboot” direction (as was growing popular at the time) but has fun with its comic strip origins while spinning a tale of high adventure.

I’ll admit that I came into this viewing with the expectation that I’d be dunking all over it… and I came out of it kind loving it. Hickox makes some fun flicks, and the actors here — including Ron Pearlman as a bandit and Warwick Davis as a pirate squire — add a lot of personality and energy. While at times the action is muddled and the overall plot a little too complicated, Prince Valiant grabs the hilt of this ancient legend and pulls out a very entertaining romp.

Intermission!

• Don’t make me look at the comic strip during the credits! Why would you do that!
• Always be buried with a giant book that has your name on it so that when people exhume your corpse, it’s clear who they’ve uncovered
• The animation transition from Merlin’s corpse to a poorly done map of England
• The rapid shots of suiting up, that’s totally Sam Raimi
• I like how they show the crane that lowered knights onto their horses
• The joust scene is pretty intense
• When armor locks up at inopportune times
• Dang, he speared that guy so hard he lifted him off the ground
• All throne rooms should have a small retractable drawbridge over a moat
• Girls notice when sweat runs out of your ankles in your armor
• Jabberwocky attack!
• That’s a lot of flaming balls of fire
• “Not sorcery, debauchery!”
• “Squire, knight, doctor… is there no end to your talents?”
• Watch those hands, mister
• What’s cooler: A guy using a corpse as a puppet prop, or a knight with a built-in arm crossbow?
• The shot of Valiant in armor walking across the river floor is either stupid or amazing. I can’t decide which.
• It’s never awkward when your dad catches you making out with a knight
• “Can I borrow some armor? I think this is beginning to rust.”
• Sir Gawain has the worst hair/moustache combo
• The fight through the tent walls is pretty inventive
• “Any rules?” [guy shakes his head no] “Good.”
• “Who the hell is harem?”
• Haha Gawain tries to pull out the sword and fails
• You can be impaled on the hilt of a sword? OK.
• Drinking melted wax is not a good time
• Neither is getting dunked into a giant boiling cauldron
• Did her skull just hiss, “I’ll get you for this?”
• Catapults are best for tossing Warwick Davises
• Armored alligators!
• You can get a drawbridge to come down by firing a small flaming arrow at the winch, which will OF COURSE explode
• Haha that woman just got turned into a cast-iron collectible figure
• GIANT FLYING ALLIGATOR AND FIREWORKS
• Dude, the princess just got impaled
• Trying to blackmail God to bring your girl back to life is certainly a choice