“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, war stories and monster movies are educational. They’re survival-oriented.”

Justin’s rating: Weird Al’s UHF station would definitely play this

Justin’s review: If you find yourself frequently visiting the intersection of Scifi Blvd and Horror Avenue, you will no doubt be subjected to — and adore — the creature feature. The idea is that outer space isn’t filled with benevolent E.T.s ready to come touch our hearts; it’s stocked with big space cockroaches and slimy tentacled nightmares that are looking for lunch plans.

And if we’re to be laughing while screaming, who’s to say that these are bad visitations anyway?

TerrorVision is a clear love letter to the creature feature B-movies of the ’50s, albeit with more spandex and new wave tunes. It’s deliberate cheesy camp right from the minds of Albert and Charles Band and directed by Subspecies’ Ted Nicolaou, so you know that nothing here is going to be played straight and true. I think everyone’s sole acting note was to end every delivery with an exclamation mark and try to outdo the person standing next to them.

A rather eclectic family named the Puttermans find themselves the unwanted recipient of an interstellar transmission. While they enjoy a new radar dish getting cable TV, a mutant creature from “Planet Pluton” manifests itself to the young ‘uns of the clan. And what a clan it is, including a fitness-obsessed mom, a punk daughter who’s dating a heavy metal enthusiast named O.D., a gadget-crazed dad, a grandpa who sees conspiracies around every corner, and a little boy who wants to grow up to a one-man militia.

The slimy, bug-eyed monster — whose grunts are supplied by the legendary Frank Welker — starts gobbling up unfortunate victims from around the homestead while the survivors lurch into action. They even enlist the help of horror marathon host Medusa (an obvious Elvira knock-off). Will they prevail, or will Earth be subjugated (and gradually eaten) by the Beast?

You can’t really talk about TerrorVision without discussing its tone, because this is a make-or-break factor for this viewing experience. It’s unrelentingly goofball and slapstick, with an overly enthusiastic soundtrack skipping right along with every scene’s developments. It’s trying so hard to be silly that you’d think you tuned into a kids’ comedy… except for the occasional moments of suggested parental guidance. Trust me, you’ll know within the first two minutes if you can get into the groove of what they’re laying down or if this movie is as grating to you as chewing on aluminum foil.

For those who remain, this film offers some unapologetic creature mayhem. Characters are slurped from the inside-out, tentacles wave about, a talking head is put on a tongue, and terrible special effects are employed without restraint. It’s also a classic exhibit of late-stage ’80s materialism, boasting set and outfit designs that we most often think of when we look back at the decade, not to mention a rarely seen subplot containing the parents being swingers. But mostly it’s just an excuse to be ridiculous and have characters try to get laughs — or at least pity chuckles — by casting their dignity to the wind.

Like a lot of genre mix-ups, TerrorVision isn’t that great as either a horror or a comedy (or even as scifi), yet this bizarre cocktail that might satisfy the discerning weirdo.

Intermission!

• “Planet Pluton sanitation department mutant creature disposal unit” seems like quite the title to put on a business card
• Oh man that opening theme smacked me in the face… and I asked for more
• The daughter’s hairstyle is vertically impressive
• This is the most ’80s house I’ve ever seen with all these Patrick Nagel prints and the longest couch ever made
• “This is grungy!”
• Alice Cooper!
• Her new boyfriend is named “O.D.”
• Lizard tails are a great source of regenerating food, apparently
• Always good to have a survival bunker if your home is the landing pad for an alien invasion
• The backyard is so clearly an indoor set
• The alien slurped up all of grandpa’s innards
• “That’s what grandpa was!”
• Who would put a hot tub in a room with art? Seems unwise. But that’s the pleasure dome for you.
• Head on a tongue
• Locking your kid in a bunker with an alien is great parenting
• That’s a very confusing adult movie
• “It’s a perfect 98.6 — like floating in your mother’s womb!”