“All right, let’s get out of here. I can’t stand to hear a grown man scream.”

Drake’s rating: Rated “O” for Oily

Drake’s review: So this is the movie where Nicolas Cage beats up a bunch of animatronic characters.

No, that’s it. That’s the movie. Look, I was hoping there’d be more to it as well, but it is what it is. And what it is is around ninety minutes of Nic Cage smacking around murderous animatronics that have come to life. Sure, there’s a tiny bit of background to the Cage-fueled mayhem, but honestly it’s fairly incidental. Something about a serial killer and his followers, and a suicide ritual.

So their souls went into the animatronics, which hardly seems like the ideal place to be if you’re a murderous psychopath, but there you go. Willy the Weasel and his goofy friends become bloodthirsty killers who prey on strangers that come to town and get locked into Willy’s Wonderland (think Chuck E. Cheese, but less evil) by the local sheriff. Nicolas Cage is the latest drifter to show up and, after his car is damaged, he agrees to clean up the restaurant to pay for the repairs.

But of course Cage is no mere vagabond to be preyed upon by a robotic weasel and its mechanized cohorts. Instead he’s the literal Man with No Name, a taciturn man of action who is not only unfazed by the sudden appearance of living animatronics bent on his death, but ready, willing and quite able to beat them into messy piles of fake fur, polyester padding and machine oil.

And then Cage changes his shirt and starts conscientiously cleaning up again, until the next attack. And occasionally he takes a break to indulge in pinball and slam energy drinks. That’s the extent of his characterization, though. If you’re looking for answers as to how and why he’s able to destroy mechanized terrors while being patently unfazed by their very existence, you’re going to have to supply them yourself. Willy’s Wonderland is far more interested in breaking stuff than building it.

Along the way some teens/young adults, who know things are fishy in Willy’s Wonderland, get locked into the building as well since the movie needs a body count. The animatronics make short work of them, even though a man easily thirty years their senior is able to destroy a mechanized ostrich while armed with nothing more dangerous than a mop. That’s the magic of movies, for you!

Now it’s hard to be disappointed in “the movie where Nicolas Cage beats up a bunch of animatronic characters” since it does star Nicolas Cage and he does in fact indulge in bouts of mayhem against the mechanical mascots of a kid-themed restaurant. But the unfortunate part is that anyone could have played the role. Cage’s character doesn’t have any real personality, and his dialogue is so scant that one wonders if he was being paid by the word.

And that’s a shame, since Nicolas Cage’s unique line delivery is often what makes an otherwise mediocre film into what at the very least is a memorable and quotable watch. Instead we get wordless beatdowns of animatronic animals that come across as hilariously one-sided, since the mechanized characters appear to be barely mobile most of the time, much less able to engage in a frantic melee.

There’s no doubt some fun to be had here, with a loquacious group of friends, lots of beer and plenty of popcorn. But you’re going to have to get creative and ad-lib your own dialogue whenever Cage is brutalizing yet another animatronic animal. And bonus points to any Face/Off fans who can pull off their Cage impersonations in John Travolta’s voice.

Intermission!

• “That G.D.S.O.B.” OK, that was pretty funny.
• This movie had money to spend on “Freebird?” HOW???
• Let’s face it, the Super Happy Fun Room is an evil place. It couldn’t be more obvious.
• How much does Nicolas Cage spend on hair & beard dye? And where can I get some?
• CGI explosions suck. That is all.