“Everything was going hot plastic. Until…”

Drake’s rating: Woggos. Like Mercan weps.

Drake’s review: The following is the transcript of an audio recording of the developmental meeting of America 3000. The names have been hidden to protect the guilty.

PRODUCER #1: Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a new movie!

PRODUCER #2: Does it have ninjas? Kids love the ninjas.

PRODUCER #1: No, no ninjas. It takes place after the apocalypse. All the ninjas are dead.

PRODUCER #2: Oh, no. I’ve told you before: No post-apocalypse movies. I swear, ever since you saw those Mad Max movies you won’t shut up about them. Look, car stunts are expensive. They cost money.

PRODUCER #1 (grumbling): So do strippers, but you always have money for those.

PRODUCER #2: What was that?

PRODUCER #1: Nothing! Look, I got an idea to get rid of the cars. I already have a writer working on it. Let me call him in.

PRODUCER #2: A writer?! Those cost money, too!

PRODUCER #1: Not the ones we hire.

(There’s a timid knock at the door)

PRODUCER #2: Hey, is that the strippers I ordered? Let ‘em in!

PRODUCER #1 (opening the door): No, it’s the writer I was telling you about.

WRITER: Hi, sirs!

PRODUCER #2: What is he, twelve? He looks like he’s twelve!

WRITER: I’m nineteen, sir.

PRODUCER #2: Twelve, nineteen, what’s the difference?

PRODUCER #1: Well, a lack of applicable child labor laws, for one thing.

PRODUCER #2: You’re hired! Now tell me about this ninja movie ya got.

PRODUCER #1: Post-apocalypse movie.

PRODUCER #2 (making sniffing sounds): Whatever.

WRITER: Well, I know you don’t want cars in your movie…

PRODUCER #2: Cars are expensive!

WRITER: So I put the movie way into the future. Way, way into the future. I’m talking the year 3000.

PRODUCER #2: Whoa! That is way into the future! Almost 100 years!

PRODUCER #1: Or even a thousand years.

PRODUCER #2 (making more sniffing sounds): Whatever.

WRITER: And, see, there are no cars in the year 3000. They’ve all fallen apart and are just piles of junk by then.

PRODUCER #2: I love it! Now get out, I’ve got strippers on the way.

PRODUCER #1: Could you let him finish?

WRITER: So, anyway, everything’s in ruin, and humanity is split into tribes of men and women. The women are more organized, though, and they really run things.

PRODUCER #2: Fraus.

WRITER: Excuse me, sir?

PRODUCER #2: Call ‘em Fraus. The women’s tribe. It’s future slang. Kids love that!

PRODUCER #1: Go along with it. He just hired a German nanny a month ago.

WRITER: Okay… So the…Fraus…they capture the men…

PRODUCER #2: Plugots!

PRODUCER #1: Gesundheit.

PRODUCER #2: No, the men are Plugots! It’s more future slang.

WRITER: Right, well the Plugots are slaves, but a couple of them get free and start to learn about what things were like before the apocalypse. Then they start to organize the other men, and even free a bunch of…Plugots…from the, uh, Fraus.

PRODUCER #1: And a gorilla.

WRITER: Sir, we’ve talked about this. I’m not sure we can fit a gorilla into this movie.

PRODUCER #1: Why not? Everyone loves gorillas! My lawyer even has one!

PRODUCER #2: Nah, no gorillas.

WRITER: Thank goodness…

PRODUCER #2: Make it a Bigfoot. Kids love Bigfoots.

WRITER: That’s really not any better…

PRODUCER #2: Look, you wanna get paid, or you wanna be pushing a mop?

PRODUCER #1: Don’t go there. We actually pay our janitors.

WRITER: OK, I’ll put in a Bigfoot. But the leader of the Plugots gets separated from the others and ends up in the presidential bunker, which amazingly still has working computers and video game machines.

PRODUCER #2: And a boombox. A big one that the Bigfoot can lug around. It can play the heavy metal music. Kids love that stuff.

WRITER: Umm, OK. So there’s also a boombox with magic batteries that have lasted a thousand years. And he also finds some cool weapons…

PRODUCER #2: Weps. And make one of ‘em a laser gun, like in those Star Trek Wars movies.

WRITER (sounding defeated): Right. Sure. And then the leader of the men hooks up with the leader of the women…

PRODUCER #1: A Tiara!

WRITER: Sir?

PRODUCER #1: That’s what I’ll get for my daughter. Sweet sixteen coming up, y’know.

PRODUCER #2: And then there’s a big brawl, with fistfights between the Plugots and Fraus and a bunch of explosions and stuff!

PRODUCER #1: Just like your second divorce! And then the Fraus and the Plugots throw down their weps and get all kissy!

PRODUCER #2: Just like the party after my second divorce! And then the Bigfoot jumps into the scene, holding up the boombox and we freeze frame and fade out with more of the heavy metal music! I love it!

WRITER: Um…sure…?

PRODUCER #1: See, I told you this kid was brilliant!

PRODUCER #2: And make sure the Fraus all have big hair. Big, BIG hair. Like they just walked out of a salon on Sunset Boulevard.

WRITER (making sniffing sounds): Whatever…

End transcript.

Intermission!

• No, seriously. The leader of the Fraus is called a Tiara.
• This is a Cannon Film, and you know what that means: It’s either a director’s passion project that wouldn’t get made at any other studio, or a schlocky action flick. America 3000 is one of the latter.
• Aside from the introduction of technology and advanced “weps” in the second half of the film, this one relies as much on the sword & sorcery movies of the day as it does on the post-apocalypse films. Overall, that gives it an uneven tone, and the antics of Aargh (the Bigfoot creature) border on slapstick. It’s not a terrible movie, but it really is an odd one.
• Coincidentally, the year 3000 is when I’ll finally be eligible for Mutant Benefits.