“You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.”

Justin’s rating: Manifest hilarity

Justin’s review: The world was deprived of a great comedy legend in 1997 when Chris Farley died at the age of 33. This Saturday Night Live comedian was a mainstay of many college movie favorites of mine, including Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, so when Farley passed away, it felt like a real end to something special. But this plus-sized funny man left us one parting gift, his final starring role in a goofy western comedy.

Haven’t we been here before?

Almost Heroes feels like a shot across the bows of many boring history classes. While we learned the names and dates of so many historical figures, they never felt “real” when laid out in dull textbooks like that. So why not have two dorks come along and tweak history’s nose while making us look at one of the most important moments of human exploration in a new way?

The idea here is mildly clever: As Lewis and Clarke set out on their famed expedition across the American continent in 1804, a second group is commissioned to do the same. Kind of like a back-up with inferior, off-brand parts. These C-tier heroes include drunken tracker Bartholomew (Farley) and fancy lad Leslie (Matthew Perry), who try to out-race Lewis and Clarke to the Pacific. They also pick up a Frenchman interpreter (Eugene Levy), a super-old dude, a bagpiper who only knows one tune, and a gorgeous native.

Within minutes of the opening credits, you can make accurate assumptions about how the entire movie’s going to go. Perry’s character is going to be stuffy and outraged at everything Farley’s character does, there will be an odd couple buddy road trip with lowbrow slapstick, and at least three major racial slurs will be put onto celluloid to haunt the filmmakers for years to come.

You know that part of Tommy Boy when Farley went nuts at the dealership and started screaming about a scenario involving a car crash? That’s pretty much this whole movie. Farley loves to go unhinged and start screaming and slapping his face around. That works pretty well for scenes like when he’s got to summit a mighty tree to get an eagle egg from a rather protective mama.

It’s not a complicated set up, nor does it need to be. The frills of the 1800s — the outfits and settings — give the juvenile humor even more bite, and everyone here just wants to get silly in way that makes history teachers violently roll their eyes. It’s silly, it’s got a guy who keeps losing body parts, and it’s the sort of thing that the ’90s loved to make and we loved to consume. Yet it also takes us across some breathtakingly beautiful stretches of country with some of the top comedy voices of the decade. That’s not a waste of time.

Sure, Almost Heroes was dragged through the mud upon its release (and that was with people being sensitive to Farley’s memory, mind you). And while I can’t claim that these criticisms were completely out of bounds, time has allowed its humor to simmer and bubble to the surface. While the critics have moved on, less discerning consumers have come along to sup at Farley’s last meal.

And as we all well know, I am not a discerning man. If something makes me laugh and isn’t wildly offensive, then I’m not going to sit in great judgment upon it. I got more good laughs out of this movie than I have at any so-called “comedy” that’s come out in the past five years, so why harp on its flaws?

Intermission!

• “I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones!” “Good God, lady!”
• If you force an officer to waltz with you through a mess hall, it’s the death penalty for you.
• That’s the fakest hanging I’ve ever seen
• “Fear will be our breakfast, and stark raving terror our luncheon.”
• “I’ve, uh, seen the forks.”
• $150 for a hard year’s work
• “Of course there, the pigs were dressed like the king and queen of France.”
• “I can’t, I’m an old man” is the perfect excuse to get out of anything you don’t want to do
• Everyone trying to get the expedition to go New Orleans — “The food alone is worth the trip!”
• Bagpipe music makes every boat trip go by quickly
• Badgers will rip your face right off
• “WE CAN’T KILL IT! WE’RE ALL DEAD MEN!” “It’s only a squirrel.”
• “You there, fingering your stomach wound, stand up and tell us about yourself.”
• “His name is Bent Twig, he’s not right in the head.” OK I laughed.
• “The Iowas would never have killed us.” “I know that, I’m just not carrying that junk this whole trip.”
• “Look at me! I’m going to make an experiment!”
• Teaching Bartholomew to read: “Enough? Do you want my head to EXPLODE?”
• Lugging a ship over land looks tough
• What’s worse, a bear or an itchy nose?
• The straw women brothel
• Taxidermy + dentistry = frightful creations
• “Now this should dull your senses” HAMMER HIT TO THE HEAD
• “You’re not like these other men. You’re softer. More delicate.”
• “A river can’t flow up and over anything.”
• EAGLE ATTACK!
• Bacon is never good without eggs
• The gauntlet! Of corn!
• Severed heads often look grim
• The elderly braves needing to be carried into the battle
• Conquistadors wear wigs and corsets
• Revenge of the eagle
• Eagles make good hang gliders for the portly gentleman
• “They even carved steps!”