“We’ll incubate you honey.”

Justin’s rating: It’s a turkey! It’s a hot air balloon! It’s a guy with a rental costume!

Justin’s review: Yes, it’s time for another one of those wacky foreign movies that shamelessly ripped off an American classic without any regard to legality! Turkish Superman — more accurately known as Süpermen Dönüyor or The Return of Superman — jumped right on board of the huge success of the 1978 smash hit by filming some army guy on his week off-duty wearing the iconic spandex.

Tayfun, the owner of the most ’70s eyewear that was ever constructed, is told by his parents that he’s actually an alien from the planet Krypton. This comes as a huge shock to him despite — as he admits — that Tayfun can read people’s minds. Maybe his adopted parents didn’t really care to think about the situation for the past 20 years? Anyway, he’s bequeathed a green crystal that came from his home planet that sends him into a packing frenzy. Super-packing, one might say.

He then heads to a cave, throws the crystal, and has a heart-to-heart with his real dad (who wears a S-logo turtleneck). Tayfun is informed that he’s the last of the Supermen, a guy bestowed with all of King Solomon’s wisdom, Hercules’ might, Atlas’ patience, Zeus’ health, Achilles’ courage, Mercury’s speed (SHAZAM!), and presumably the entire range of Care Bear stares.

I loved that his dad immediately informs him that if he misuses these powers, “the curse of Krypton will fall on you.” What curse? Y’all are dead. That’s kind of an empty threat there.

Tayfun’s dad then gives him a costume makeover, turns him into a doll, and sends him flying over a rear projection screen for a while.

But with just a shade over an hour of runtime, Turkish Superman doesn’t have the luxury of dilly-dallying. As Tayfun becomes a star reporter, some evil James Bond-style villains seek his crystal to power a device that turns stuff into gold. Oh, and that crystal will take Tayfun’s powers away from him, so that’s probably not a good idea for all involved.

Cue Tayfun taking up his destiny in a not-half-bad costume, rescuing a Lois Lane substitute (who is genuinely more beautiful than Margot Kidder):

I mean, seriously, she is gorgeous — if a little naive about working in the same cramped office space with a super-powered alien and not realizing it.

Superman then goes on fighting bad guys who are likely exchange students from a different film genre. Don’t act shocked when this version of Superman has no problem using his powers to kill as well as rescue, though. Oh, and he likes to creep on women by using his X-ray vision to peek under their clothes, which is not how X-rays work at all.

I’ve gone on record, as have many others, that Superman movies have a habit of being dull and uninspired. I can honestly say that’s not something that you can accuse of Turkish Superman. Sure, it makes no sense, boasts abysmal production design, rips off copyrighted material all over the place, and has a soundtrack that can be a substitute for chemotherapy in some poorer nations, but it’s not boring.

In fact, it’s perfect for viewers who appreciate some extremely low-budget rip-offs and want to snicker their way through the fun. The phrase “so-bad-it’s-good” was invented for movies such as this. I also liked how Tayfun’s Superman actually brings it with the fight scenes. He postures well, throws powerful punches, and sometimes gets knocked out for dramatic tension.

It’s fascinating to me the ingenuity and brazen thievery that led to movies like these. I can’t help but admire Turkish Superman — even if I don’t condone it.

Intermission!

• Outer space can be adequately represented by hanging Christmas ornaments
• John Williams’ stolen score played over a cardboard title screen
• Those eyeglasses are something else
• GREEN CRYSTAL REVEAL
• This soundtrack wants to drill a hole in my head and kill me with shrill notes
• Krypton has a horrible dental program
• Tayfun, don’t invite yourself along to protect the pretty lady. You stink of desperation.
• “That old lubricant story?” I don’t want to know.
• Maybe don’t drive your car into a truck if you don’t want to be kidnapped?
• Tayfun fainting when he looks at a woman’s swimsuit (?) underneath her work clothes
• This Superman doesn’t pull his punches… and he catches bullets!
• The three guys jumping on Superman look like they’re hugging him: “We love you, Superman!”
• Yeah let’s not watch him to see if he actually dies by… guillotine?
• If you are to talk like Superman, you HAVE to take off your glasses
• Now the bad guys are going to destroy Krypton? The planet that’s already destroyed?
• And now the James Bond theme done extremely poorly
• Random dudes hiding in your trunk will probably shoot your tires out while you’re driving
• Superman driving to Giorgio Moroder’s “Chase”
• Superman punches the guy so hard he leisurely flies up into a tree and grabs a branch
• Fake Lois runs so weird and ineffectively
• Everyone in this movie has the smallest pistols
• I don’t know if I’d jump off a cliff into a moving convertible, but then again, I’m not a bad guy in this movie