“Gargoyles are a scientific fact. And they’re no more dangerous than a high school drop-out on a motorcycle.”

Justin’s rating: Another good warning against excavating bones from Indian burial grounds, I’m afraid

Justin’s review: If we rank the entire roster of popular movie creature types, there ain’t nobody in the world who would put gargoyles above a “D” tier — and only that for the underground hit 1994 cartoon that dared to defy expectations by being pretty awesome. But usually ugly stonework dudes lurking on the sides of cathedrals doesn’t get Pacific Northwest teen girls revved up, apparently. So while vampires and werewolves rule the roost, our misshapen friends are cast deep down into the abyss of pop culture.

And according to the 1972 TV movie Gargoyles, they kind of prefer it down there anyway. Made for a CBS Tuesday night movie, this film has the distinction of being the launch pad for creature effects legend Stan Winston (which earned him an Emmy). It’s also got Silence of the Lambs’ Scott Glenn as a dirt bikin’ teenager (!), so it’s not bereft of star power either.

Demonologist and author Mercer Boley (Cornel Wilde) is on the hunt for a new monster to headline his next book. He and his daughter get more than a photogenic centerfold when they come under attack at a tourist trap by mysterious underground creatures who are — of course — C.H.U.Ds.

No, actually they’re Satan’s spawn, AKA gargoyles. These aren’t the genial, singing stone men of Hunchback of Notre Dame. Rather, they’re demonic critters who have a beef against humanity. As the legend of the opening credits goes, every 600 years they’re reborn for another assault against those surface dwellers for making an almighty racket as they’re trying to sleep.

And wouldn’t you know it, the gargoyles are gearing up for a big battle right now with a local law enforcement understandably dubious that Lucifer’s day care is about to invade. Thus, it’s up to the two Boleys to keep the monsters from heading out to college or — heaven forbid — the unemployment office.

With just 74 minutes and your unnatural pauses for commercial breaks, Gargoyles doesn’t have a whole lot of time to dip deep into mythology and plot. Instead, it wisely elects to be a simple, no-nonsense creature feature with some surprisingly tense attack scenes, hints of a possible interspecies romance, a diverse assortment of F/X creations, and a memorable showdown in a cave. It did let me down, however, in revealing that the diverse gargoyle culture is really just a lot of cosplay dudes hanging out in a nondescript cave and twiddling their thumbs for 599 years.

In a way, Gargoyles can be seen as a prototype for the later and more successful Jeepers Creepers. It’s not a crowded field for ugly monsters hiding in the shadows and re-emerging every eon or so, thus we must appreciate what little we get.

While Gargoyles has some genuine cult cred and some highly effective moments of creepiness (usually thanks to the expressive soundtrack and hints of the monsters), its TV movie roots show through too often. And while Stan Winston did a solid job for a first time around, he definitely went up in the world afterward. So if you’re to see this, just keep your expectations on the lower side and you’ll probably have a pretty good time.

Intermission!

• Gargoyles are reborn every 600 years
• Remember when you could drive your car right up to an airplane as it landed?
• The gargoyle shadow as it flies over the car is pretty effective
• “Uncle Willy’s Tales of the Desert” sounds like a best-seller
• That’s one fake-looking gargoyle skeleton
• Willie gets conked on the head… eh, he’s dead, just leave him to burn.
• This dirt bike chase feels like Dukes of Hazzard
• Every time I go into the bathroom, there a gargoyle be
• Gargoyles generally like to attack in slow motion
• Could you be any more of a mouth-breathing creep as you fawn all over the unconscious girl?