“I’ve managed to upset a mass murderer”

Justin’s rating: It’s no surprise that all the audience relates to Matthew Perry’s character

Justin’s review: Let me go on record by saying that the only reason I ever admit to having watched Friends is for Matthew Perry. He’s sarcastic and funny and makes a case for an actual human being, a likable candidate for a Mutant Reviewer if I ever saw one. Other than him, my mostly good soul strongly desires to see the other characters, particularly whiny snobby self-pitying brat Rachel, strung up with piano wire and used for Marine basic target practice.

When I rented The Whole Nine Yards, I wasn’t expecting anything more than a dark comedy lacking in laughs and full of pratfalls. I’ve never been a fan of mob movies, particularly the “comedies” in which half of the cast ends up dead. They tend to be more violent than humorous, and I just don’t get the fascination for the mafia lifestyle that mainstream America has acquired. AND you always know basically what’s going to happen, AND there’s always a finger-chopping scene, AND I just like typing in all caps.

Despite of my prejudice, The Whole 9 Yerds had me laughing in unexpected places (my bedroom closet). Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry have a lot to do with it — both excelling in the field of comedy — but they are also flanked by a terrific supporting cast.

This film centers around the conflict imposed by Americans brushing up against the Canadian lifestyle. Jimmy “The Tulip” (Willis) is a Chicago mob hitman on the run from his own, which lands him in Montreal. He ends up next door to Oz (Perry), an American dentist married to the most unholy French-Canadian shrew ever unleashed upon man (Rosanna Arquette, giving such an over-the-top snooty performance that she got me to snicker quite often). It becomes obvious that Arquette’s Sophie sees herself as a manipulator (her attempts at seducing a policeman were both funny and pitiful), but she’s way out of her league with everyone else.

Fast friends Jimmy and Oz are soon plunged into tense conflict when crosses, double-crosses, and more hit contracts than you can shake a stick at are dumped on peaceful ol’ Canada. In one of the film’s best jokes, Oz orders a burger specifically “without mayonnaise,” and is shunned for his efforts. I’m sure there are tons of Canadian in-jokes that I didn’t get, but I did get more than my fair share due to my own friendship with Poolman.

Oz also gets the unfortunate role of being the fall guy. You know, the straight-laced person who has everything bad happen to him while he is mostly powerless to stop it. All sides play tug-o-war with his body, and though he complains and acts shocked a lot, Oz also has depths of intellect that surprises both the characters and we the audience. I was proud that Perry could pull off such a role without seeming pitiful, and he never gets too moody that he ceases his quips and habit of running into things.

As his counterpart, Willis’ Jimmy plays the hitman with the heart of… well, at least silver. He’s an affable kind of guy, at least until he kills you, and his morals are strong if questionable (he kills for a living and cheats on his wife, yet believes in the sanctity of marriage?). Willis takes what could have been a one-note character and makes him wonderfully ambiguous. Is Jimmy good on the outside and bad within… or vice versa? As with nearly every character except for Oz, Jimmy’s loyalties are secret until the end.

While shrill Sophie gets my most favorite secondary character, we must pay homage to Amanda Peet, who absolutely shines as Jill St. Claire. She’s Oz’s receptionist who isn’t quite who she seems. She’s the exact opposite of Oz, as the twists and turns of the hitman’s world don’t faze her a bit. In fact, she shows a cheeky earnestness that won me over in a big hurry.

The Whole Nine Yards is not flashy, not anything new, not even mostly in America. It’s just goodness wrapped in a movie and given to us with a flower and a kiss. A kiss of death, muhahahaha!

PoolMan’s rating: Is this a bad time to admit I like mayonnaise on my fries?

PoolMan’s review: “Ho ho ho! Look at me! I’m Justin! I bet if this movie’s set in Canada, Sean will love it, and get all the jokes!” Sheesh. (Although he is right.)

Ah, I’m just kidding, Big J (ladies, there’s a reason everyone calls him that!). I’m honestly so glad Justin brought this film to my attention, because it rocked. Yet again, another movie that, if not for the Head Mutant, I never would have seen. Seriously, how do people even breathe without us?

As the years go by and Bruce Willis is used less and less for action movies and more and more for different, sometimes funny, roles, I grow increasingly more impressed by him. The boy’s got serious comedic chops, as does everyone else in this flick. Matthew Perry as the terminally nervous dentist must have been the writer’s choice for the role of Oz the whole time, because I can’t picture anyone else short of Dick Van Dyke playing such a quirky guy (or maybe French Stewart?). Amanda Peet is really funny here too, although I’m baffled as to why Kevin Pollak was included as Janni. Whoever heard of this guy’s accent before?

Moving right along, I’m not doing a good job of conveying just how hard this movie made me laugh. I was sick at home when I watched it, so every time I started laughing, I started coughing really hard, and had to rewind constantly to go back and see what I missed, which made me laugh again, etc. This is a tremendously good thing. When a movie lightens your spirit to the point of making you forget your second bedridden illness in a month, you know you’ve got a keeper.

I see you hesitating. You were waiting for PoolMan’s vote, weren’t you? That’s sweet of you. You can go rent it now. Have a nice day!

DnaError’s rating: It’s a Canadian thing.

DnaError’s review: I don’t hate this movie. Thats a plus. But I don’t like it.

Sure, it has some funny parts, alots of wacky goings-on and kooky Canadian one-liners and zingers. But it can’t seem to justify it’s own existence. It’s not the performances; they’re all fine and for once Amanda Peat isn’t in a movie that makes me want to vomit in terror.

It’s just that the plot seems nice and weird enough while not working. I’m reminded of Mystery Men, where all the right stuff was there but it ended up *off* somehow. Maybe it’s me, I’m just too American to get hip to the wacky north of the border vibes, and I associate Matthew Perry with that odious TV trash which is “Friends” too much, but… still.

Anyway, I recommend watching it like I did, which is on HBO while doing menial tasks.